I think i have bpd

i don't want to self diagnose my self, but I have been doing a lot of research on bpd and the like effects/signals of it. So, im turning to 7 cups to help me and ill actually get a doctor to help me. At the age of 7 my family and I figured out my dad had cancer at the age of 8 he died. I was so young i didn’t really understand that it was stage 4. when i was 12 i really was done with stuff and started self harming stayed sober for a year then started again. At the age of 13 i got groomed by a 17 year old and at that time i tried to od on allergy medicine (horrible idea it would just make you sleepy) when i turned 14 i couldn’t stay sober from self harm and weed it was just on and off. i am still 14 i am 2 months sober from self harm and 1 month sober from weed, But There’s this feeling where i just wanna scream it out, but I just don’t know how to word it correctly, i haven't been going to school much to the point where the school had threatened to send us to court, my mom has wasted like 500$ so u can be on a club volleyball team with the most rudest girls on my team and all they do is just leave me out. My mom in the last 4-5 months wasted 1,000 dollars so i can learn how to ride horses english style. I really appreciate her for all this and trying to make me happy because no friends want to make plans with me and she wants me to be happy. For 2nd semester im going to a different school, but all their enrollments are full, so were waiting to get accepted. I honestly never know how to properly express my emotions when i get stressed out too much i get mad to the point I just start crying, Or when im trying to explain my emotions to someone they don’t understand because I explain it too much their brain can’t comprehend it or i just don't know how to properly explain that one emotion. This is my first day on 7 cups and the future is my biggest worry. im so glad im on winter break because all my mom does is just stress me out about my grades, and it feels like my mom is just favoriting my older sister because my sister is more open about her emotions to my mom and my mom thinks im just a happy child that has no mental health issues. It’s really hard to open up to my mom, I don't see her as like my mom i just see her as a strong independent women that graduated a good college with 4 children and the love of her life. My self esteem has been destroyed by people at my school so many times but i seem to not understand that i should not hang out with them. I go to a very small school, so its hard to not ignore them when you walk by them everyday in the hall. ( sorry this seems more like a rant)