My first poetry i am sharing on 7 cups XD
My patience in my heart has dwindled
The ghee in my diya has evaporated
My tears on my face have dried
The flowers in the garland are wilted
I am standing by the doorstep
Still in hope of welcoming you
I am happy to die once
I sight your view
My life was mine
But I have given it to you
In return you just return
And that return is still due
The nights have passed in the absence of your words
The day I longed are never coming back
The flowers that were bloomed when you were here
Now they died and the beauty, they had
Now I have three people present to talk to
They are me myself and I
Although I want instead of this
‘You you and you’ I cried
After some years the ghee will go extinct
The flowers will be ashes
My patience would be no more
My tears will be stored in hundreds of glasses
(tell me if u need a explaination XD)
@Ankush1509
A really nice and tightly written piece. The ABCB rhyme scheme fitted so nicely with the poems content, melodic but subtle. I liked the bookending of the first and last stanza as it made it feel very complete, and your choice of six equal stanzas gave it a really nice symmetry. Your use of imagery really sets off the emotional pull of the poem. For me, the penultimate stanza feels like the the outpouring of all those built up emotions; the sense of loneliness and the pining need. All this coming to the front before settling back down into the last stanza where we are left with the forecast that such loss will not be remedied. It has an inevitability about it that is both poetic and melancholic.
Good job.
@BastionKnight
First of all i wanna say thank you for the feedback <3 <3 <3
Wow, reading your reply honestly made me tear up. I can’t even put into words how much your thoughts mean to me. This poem came from a place of so many feelings—loneliness, longing, hope, and surrender. Your insight into the structure and the emotional flow really made me see the poem in a new light. It’s like you understood exactly what I was trying to say without me needing to explain. Thank you for taking the time to read it so carefully. Your words will stay with me for a long time. It feels like a little piece of my heart was shared and appreciated, and that means everything to me.
@Ankush1509 hi my fellow Indian friend. i absolutely loved your poem, cherished it to depths, resonated with it deeply. and after reading it, im sure. im sure that all of this came straight from of your heart, the agonized pain and suffering, you're a strong one to express yourself this way. i could see how deeply you feel things, how deeply you adhere to connections. all my hugs to you. good going poet sahab. 🌷🩷
@Ankush1509 This is beautifully aching, woven with a deep sense of longing and quiet sorrow. I love the imagery of the ghee in the diya and wilted flowers—they mirror the slow fading of hope with such delicate poignancy. And that final line—"My tears will be stored in hundreds of glasses"—is haunting, as if grief itself has been carefully preserved. A truly moving reflection on love, waiting, and loss.
...One of my best friends is Indian , and his name is Rahul, which is pretty funny if you think about it - he made me watch a ton of SRK movies ! When I saw the diyas, it reminded me of this scene where SRK lands from a helicopter and runs to his house. His mom greets him with diyas, welcoming him home. That's a very heavy scene emotionally (I don't know if you understood the reference but I am ashamed to say that I do not remember the title. But I do know it is not "Kal ho na ho.") Anyway, that’s kind of what I pictured when I read the first two stanzas. Not that you were referring to your son, but I find the idea of welcoming people with light really fascinating—almost as if you're equating that person with light. I find that act to be so pure like ghee. But hey, ignore me if my interpretation is way off!