Ignoring my shadows? Emotions are like farts - Spiritual vomit.

One of the lessons I'm learning in the School of Consciousness is about the Lies you tell yourself. I was quite afraid to think about that. As if I would not know when I'm honest with myself or not. As if I cannot trust myself. It triggered an existential self-doubt. And with that a roller-coaster of emotions I could not put my finger on. Until now. Shame is the emotion I wasn't quite honest with myself with.
The school gave examples of lies you could be telling yourself often: like I'm totally fine and feeling good when actually you feel like ***. That is something I don't do often anymore. But I felt there was something I was still hiding for myself to be seen. So I let it rest and the moments I was alone and silent I would ask the Universe to tell me where my hidden spots are, what are the shadow sides of my Ego that I still cannot see, what are the lies I tell myself?
Because I felt lost. Doubting about every step I took and of what is good and bad. Something I was struggling with some years ago almost every day.

Something new in my life since a couple of years is that I feel connection with something bigger than myself. And that bigger part is always there, and tries to guide me. And that something bigger is also giving answers when I ask questions with an open heart and conscious way, and it can be very specific.

This is my secret I don't tell people often, because believing in "something bigger", you can also call it 'God', 'Inner Intelligence', 'The Soul of the World', 'The Quantum Field', 'The Unconscious', ... Whatever you call it, when you talk about it you don't know what kind of reaction you'll get. So I am feeling shame sometimes about believing in this bigger essence or reason of why existence exists. My upbringing was not religious nor spiritual, but we also live in a period of time where Faith and Mystery are subjects that cannot be talked about easily. Science, facts and prove are the new dogma's lately. Which can certainly be discussed about.

But that discussion is not what I want to talk about now. Although it's an interesting one too.When I ask for some questions to be answered, I also ask the Universe to give the answers to me in that way that I cannot doubt about them. It's like a wonder to me how I get these answers. It's mostly always in a way that I can experience it in situations where I'm actually getting the answers by living them. To be more specific. I got what I wanted to know, by some discussions I've had with my significant other.

He told me without hesitation that he got frustrated when I could not handle his critics or advises politely. That I felt attacked by it, while not needed, cause he said those things out of love and care and not to embarrass or correct me in a bad way. And it was an unsettling moment because with that specific critic he was giving me, said in a really authentic, peaceful manner, I felt attacked and wanted to defend myself in an aggressive way. So by telling me this, it was shown in the moment itself what he meant by it. So I felt embarrassed. And I did not want to talk with him in an aggressive way although I felt really the urge to be like that. So instead of the Fight- or Flight- reaction (the automatic reaction of the reptile part of the human brain when having great negative emotions), I Freezed, and got back into my childhood experiences. Where the causes of my Ego construction were built and where just that happened: Freezing.

Freezing happens when you feel like you can't Fight nor Flight, while feeling really unsettled, scared, and unsafe. I started crying, and explained him I could see and understand what he was telling me, although that I still felt attacked by it and if he could reassure me he was not laughing at me. He said: '' I'm not laughing with you, I'm just being honest. Do you want a hug? ''
I did, but I couldn't just lay down next to him and hug him. Not because I didn't want to, but because I felt a feeling of shame and not being worthy of his love and acceptance. That feeling stayed the whole evening, and that is why I asked extra reassurances accompanied with negative emotional drama. He handled it respectfully and after it we had a cozy evening next to each other in the couch. It wasn't until the next days, where I got the help of my cognitive mind again to link the new information and experiences we've went through.

With the help of some online informational coincidences ( everything has a reason though!) I've got the answers of the hidden parts of my Ego I wasn't aware of. And I'm so happy now that I can write about it!

I was quite aware of my other negative emotions already. What I'm angry about, what can make me cry like a baby, what I'm scared of, what gives me feelings of guilt,... But a much deeper feeling then guilt, which is when you are aware of the bad things you've done, is shame!

The feeling of being 'bad' in it's intercity. It is shame what makes people incapable of looking in the mental mirror. In it's extreme it is what gives people narcissistic behaviors. Because it is shame that blocks self-reflection and thus the capability of taking responsibility of our actions. To not blame others for our emotions and to be able to make connection with yourself and others in an honest and authentic way. And shame is something so deep that it goes beyond our own Ego. We can feel ashamed for others. In my case I can feel quite ashamed to be a human being in general. We are not at all doing great on a lot of ethical questions. We make big mistakes. We are bad at a lot of things. We do bad things to each other and other living beings. Every time I could have helped someone but I didn't because I couldn't or I wasn't aware of my capabilities or possibilities in that moment, I feel shame of being me. Of being imperfect, unconscious and thus making bad choices, hurting others, the planet or myself.

But that is normal. We are learning. Like Jesus said: ''Paradise is a seed becoming a tree.''

It's like dancing. It's not the end of the dance that counts, it's the dance in it's whole. That is why the Bible talks about the shame after eating of the apple from the tree of knowledge of good and bad. When we are little, we are innocent happy beings. Like Adam and Eve in the beginning in the garden of Eden. But when we grow up we learn what is good or bad behavior. We eat from the apple.
Because we take steps into adulthood where free will is being a property of human existence. And with that there comes shame. And to go back to paradise, to find our connection to God, is to see that bad and good, is like light and darkness, it's inextricably linked, without the one the other cannot exist. It's what makes life so full of experiences. With a great Scala of emotions and situations. That is why we can grow and learn into an even greater experience and have Higher Consciousness.

The Ultimate Goal of Life is to become Light and Love again, even with knowing what is Good and Bad, and to accept it all. Just To Be in the Now, Alert of what Is, and send your Heart and Conscious into the moment. Love and accept. But you cannot skip the steps of being aware of your own negativity, Ego-traps and the whole range of negative emotions trapped inside your being. It is with experiencing them that the awareness and Higher Consciousness develops. So be open to them.

Emotions are like farts. When you hold them in a little hidden box, they can smell bad for the years to come. But if you give them all the space they need, when you let a fart on a mountain top, the smell floats away in seconds. And we can laugh with it. So don't feel ashamed for your inner stinks. Let it all out. Give it space and time and look at it with love and compassion. That is how we grow in Light and Love. Cause all what receives attention, grows.
Let us grow a garden of Eden! Where everything is just okay as it is. As we are.