Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
  1. Forum
  2. Young People of Color
  3. Boyfriend and I don't agree

Boyfriend and I don't agree
CourageousLion123 April 26th, 2022
.

Hello! I'm an Asian Indian girl dating my half white/half Filipino bf. Sometimes it feels like we butt heads when it comes to race. For me personally, I think racist jokes, as long as its about your own race is fine. I know that isn't okay with others but I generally find this alright when it comes to making jokes with close friends who also take a crack at their own race. But it feels like sometimes my boyfriend takes it a step too far when he posts on his snapchat about his jokes regarding me.


Sometimes he calls me curry muncher(privately) but in a joking manner. Tbh, I'm fine with this as I sometimes call him rice paddy boy to take a jab back at him. The problem is that he posts these cute pictures of us on snapchat with captions like "My curry muncher" For me, I don't know if it's a good idea since his non poc friends (who I am not close with) see these posts and laugh. I'm worried I might be showing myself as someone who doesn't have respect for herself. I had initially wanted these kinds of jokes to be said just between me and him since we are both Asian but for a while I simply didn't care that he posted those kinds of jokes online since I thought it would be harmless until one incident.


When I got into a discord call with his white friends one of them asked "hey (bf's name), so is this your curry muncher?" I don't even know this person and he didn't even ask for my name yet he asked my bf who I was. It felt very uncomfortable and told his friend that he can't say that.


After that incident, I'm starting to think I encouraged my bf to write these racist remarks which unfortunately, now make me feel bad about myself since I feel like his friends think I'm okay with them being racist to me.


What's worse is that my boyfriend posted a video of me rock climbing and wrote in the caption "look at my monkey go" i can't help but feel this is just making it worse.


I have told my bf that it is making me uncomfortable when he posts captions like that and he says its not that deep. And that if any of his friends do try to say something racist he's like "come on man..." That means his friends do try to say racist things about my race. I appreciate my bf does tell his friends to knock it off if they attempt a joke about Asians but, I'm worried the problem will get worse.


What should I do in this situation? And am I overreacting?

Apologies for the lack of cohesiveness.

2
xuchristina April 28th, 2022
.

@CourageousLion123 As an Asian myself, I totally understand your issues. My brother lets his friends call racist things and I find it disrespectful and dehumanizing. I can only imagine what you have to go through. Personally, I don't think your boyfriend respects you enough to listen to your opinions. As you said, his friends have called you racist remarks which makes me think about what he says when you're not there. I have had friends who said the n-word and once I confronted them about it, they just stopped saying it in from of me. I'm afraid this might be the same with your situation but of course, I don't know the whole of your relationship. I think you should talk about your concerns to him one more time because it is a very serious issue and if he doesn't respect that, respect you, then well, he doesn't deserve a girlfriend. This may be dramatic but frankly, I can't stand Asians who let non-Asians say shit that is disgusting because it affects not just them, but Asians as a whole. I believe whatever you end up doing will be the best choice. Good Luck.

chrysalisburst July 16th, 2022
.

@CourageousLion123....hi, my name is Gwen. I don't think that you are overreacting. It sounds like you feel as though your bf could do better by listening to your feelings and respecting them.....that it is okay for the two of you to joke with each other, but you are uncomfortable with him sharing that with others. I agree with you that it is reasonable to expect that from him. As you pointed out, when he makes your private jokes public, it leaves it open for other people to respond in ways that are inappropriate and racist. I am sorry that you have experienced the totally inappropriate and racist responses from other people.....not okay.

*Support Forum Disclaimer
My communities
Community guidelines
Report an issue
Talk to an expert therapist
Crystal is great at listen and asking the right questions for me to open up...
Reviewed Jun 11, 2024
Talk to Crystal Now