Module 4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: (Discussion #3) Communication Styles
DBTuesday is a series of posts where we explore skills and concepts from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
This is one of several posts focusing on interpersonal effectiveness, which is the fourth module of DBT skills training. See this post for general info about DBT and this post for more info about interpersonal effectiveness.
Four communication styles
There are four main communication styles:
- 1) Passive style: respectful of others’ needs but tends to sacrifice own needs
- 2) Aggressive style: respects own needs but in a way that disrespects others’ needs
- 3) Passive-aggressive style: tends to express needs indirectly
- 4) Assertive style: able to balance respect for own needs with respect for others’ needs
The assertive style is considered optimal since it represents a middle ground between the passive and aggressive styles.
The DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills in general can be understood as strategies for putting assertive communication into practice.
Quiz: what communication style are you?
To get a quick sense of which style fits you best, count the number of statements below that you agree with for each style:
1) Passive style
- “If I express my feelings, other people will either get angry at me or reject me”
- “I tend to stay quiet to avoid upsetting people”
- “I try to ignore my feelings instead of communicating them to other people”
- “If something matters to me, I have a hard time expressing that clearly to other people”
- “I prefer to avoid expressing different opinions that others might not agree with”
2) Aggressive style
- “Sometimes my friends find me intimidating”
- “I always put my own needs and goals first”
- “If there’s a conflict with someone else, my way is always the right way”
- “I often swear, yell, or am verbally aggressive with people”
- “I don’t care if the needs of the people around me are met”
3) Passive-aggressive style
- “When I’m angry with someone, I will ignore them and stay silent with them”
- “I tend to do what other people want me to do even if I want something different”
- “I mock people when I’m feeling angry with them”
- “I don’t express anger to people clearly but I’ll show that I’m upset in other ways”
- “I try to express my anger in a toned-down way to avoid having my feelings rejected”
4) Assertive style
- “I feel that I’m allowed to express my thoughts and feelings to other people”
- “I pay attention to both my own needs and others’ needs and am able to find compromises between the two”
- “I try to listen carefully to what other people are telling me and make sure they feel heard”
- “I’m able to express my thoughts and feelings in a clear and honest way if I’m in an argument with someone”
- “I treat myself and others with respect while communicating with them”
Reflection
Which communication style feels like it fits you best and why?
Sources:
https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/interpersonal-effectiveness/communication-styles/
https://www.uky.edu/hr/sites/www.uky.edu.hr/files/wellness/images/Conf14_FourCommStyles.pdf
https://umatter.princeton.edu/respect/tools/communication-styles
@QuietMagic
I'd say I'm normally of the passive style, cause I prefer to keep things to myself and avoid conflict. I could relate to a lot of those example sentences.
Tho, during mood swings, I switch easily to the aggressive style and those close to me definitely have to suffer that. BPD and all.
@OneErased
That makes sense, sort of like there are different states/moods and most of the time the passive style feels like it fits best but other times the aggressive style fits more closely.
@QuietMagic I am 1, 3, and 4 regularly. I have resorted to 2 aggressive a few times in my life when I felt backed into a corner or provoked continually. I do this when I’ve decided after a lot to end a relationship, so essentially I blow up and say all the things I normally desire to be gentle and understanding with people about. When I get like that, I have felt that way for so long and am so resentful that I don’t like to admit I do not care about the person’s feelings in that moment. I regret it afterwards every time. That’s not the way I want to treat anyone, no matter the circumstances. It feels justified at the time, even if I sleep on it and think about it for months. I think it’s okay to want to stand up for myself when assertive techniques don’t help, but alternative thoughts don’t help me feel better. I should just say goodbye quietly and wish them well, and if they continue to do things I need to let it go. The focus is always selfish on myself and my feelings. It doesn’t feel good in the moment or long term.