I hate myself.
I've always known that I need medical / therapeutical attention but I avoided it. Seeking self validation from there's and then ruining their lives. I hate myself so much and I am currently struggling with
A lot of mental health illness that I never wanted to accept have been present. I tried so much to cry but Instead, I just became emotionally numb. I caused people so much pain but not anymore. I deleted all my socials except my WhatsApp ofc because of my studies. And I'm not sure if I'm able to keep up with these studies. Now I desperately need to see a therapist but I'm broke and therapy costs a lot especially as I'm a student and my allowances doesn't add to much and from a backwater country like Nigeria.
I hate every single thing about me.
I don't know what to feel any longer and despite everything that's been going on in my life I still want to hold on to that 1% hope 🙏🏾. But why? From whom? From what and from whom?
All I have now is God.
And yeah I think I've been self harming myself but I never noticed.
It's awful.
@sincerely2025
Hi, appreciate you reaching out. 💜 I imagine it's challenging when:
- There isn't much feeling of hope that it'll improve anything
- There's this broader sense of "I'm someone who causes people pain and ruins people's lives by being connected with them". (And maybe based on the self-hatred you mentioned, there's also a feeling of "anybody who gets to know me will dislike me as much as I do and won't want anything to do with me"?)
Understandable as well that maybe your options are limited as far as seeking help if you're not able to see a therapist due to not having the money for it.
***
Will pass along a couple links. And if you just want someone to chat with periodically or share about things that are happening, feel free to message me. (Or you're welcome to post here in the forum like you're doing.) 💜 I'd be interested to hear more about what happened that led to things being where they are now.
Page with some resources for BPD:
https://www.7cups.com/forum/personalitydisorders/BorderlinePersonalityDisorder_326/ResourcesforBPD_268269/
List of experienced 7 Cups listeners who accept chats on BPD:
https://www.7cups.com/BrowseListeners/?badge=0&find=&sort=&category=44&ageGroup=&listType=&gender=&religion=&country=&language=&verifiedlistener=on