Trying to take responsibility of how I react/or do not react when my wife is having a really hard time
My wife (we were married in June) has BPD, and she gets very anxious, depressed, and angry towards me specifically. She says I took away her job, her ability to function, and everything she loves about herself. While this is hard to hear and my brain knows I did not single-handedly steal anything away like a thief in the night, what if this is her reality? "Do I deserve this?", my heart questions.
She has gotten to the point of slamming the door so aggressively and repeatedly in our place, that the cops have come at least three times now and today I have replaced the moldings once more to the doorways that have flown off. A therapist said that I may be used to grandiose behavior due to trauma and the past, so I may not be seeing it as dangerous. HELP. My wife is the most kind, sweet, soft human being you will ever meet and when she is upset then the switch flips. It is breaking my heart, and I am worried for the future.
- I do not know what to do
- I do not have anyone to talk about this with
- Is there a support group for loved ones of those with BPD?
I feel like I am only scratching the surface here, and I support her wholeheartedly and I really honestly mean it when I say she is the sweetest and best person--It really pains me when this happens, but these outbursts and proclamations of hating "being here" are becoming more frequent.
Thank you for the read
@Tehwolf
Hi, it's clear that you really care for your wife and want the best for her. 💜 It sounds like when she's upset in the moment, she says and does things are hurtful, scary, and pretty unfair. (I doubt that you've single-handedly ruined her life. Even if you had, destroying the house and telling you what an awful person you are doesn't sound like a great solution.) I'm sure it's also painful for you to see her suffering and not be sure how to help or show your support.
In terms of figuring out what to do, I really like some of the tips in this link, especially the last three sections on communication, boundary-setting, and how to help a loved one with BPD get support.
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/helping-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder.htm
Also a fan of the sentiment of "it's not me vs. you but let's try to work together and try to solve this problem together if we can".
https://theeverygirl.com/us-vs-the-problem/
Is your wife in therapy, or do you think she'd be open to the idea of reflecting on her BPD and trying to work together with you to figure out how to make things work?