The Car Wreck of Happiness

With BPD, it is not only the negative emotions that are intense and long lasting, but the positive ones as well. And this can be dangerous at times.

It's like I'm driving on a clear highway on a moonlit night. All of a sudden, something grand happens; good news, a call from an old friend, an unexpected gift, a special event, or an accomplished achievement. Then I'm sailing down the open road at what feels like Mach speed. The gauge keeps going up. It's exhilarating, and it feels like it will last forever.

Except nothing lasts forever.

I start to lose control, as the feeling, the high of all this happiness, eventually begins to fade into the horizon. I'm swerving now, unable to regain control of the steering wheel. All of a sudden, I see twin lights coming at me faster and faster. This other vehicle on the road, spreading dust and gravel, is all the other emotions and thoughts racing through my mind. Collision is unavoidable.

Then there's the crash. Except I'm the only victim, because this crash isn't real. Although it's very real to me. The metal digs into my flesh, and I bleed. The seat belt is tight around my neck and chest. I'm sore, moving is painful, and I feel so, so tired.

The crash after the high of such positive emotions... I've experienced it quite a few times. The biggest one was after my college grad day back in March. I fell into a car wreck of sadness, fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. It was not a good place to be, trapped in that wreckage. No one to help me as much as I tried to reach my arm out of that cracked window.

Eventually I managed to climb out, beaten, bloodied, and scarred. Limping along the side of the road. Why couldn't that day, that feeling last forever? Why did it have to come to this? It didn't have to come to this...