Sometimes I feel like

I should just throw out all of my electronics (laptop/phone) and quit the internet (I've already quit "reality") because my BPD is effecting even my online life.. It did only effect my real life but it just keeps getting worse and screwing every aspect of my life up now

I try to apologize to people whenever I'm done having a mood swing but they just don't get it, I've just "spat the dummie" to them and when I say I can't control it (believe me, I try) they say you can't blame your illness for your behaviour/personality.. but it's a PERSONALITY disorder that affects your behaviour!

I'm sick of hearing the words 'lazy', 'selfish', 'manipulative', etc.

I'm just embarrassed to be alive and sick of having no control over my emotions/behaviour and everywhere I reach out for help I just get turned down.. I've gone to the crisis center at the hospital twice and they just treat you like you're a waste of space/time/energy.. especially with the BPD stigma.. I beg my mom to help me and she says work is more important/she needs money..

BPD gets better as you get older.. so they say.. but how do you "get older" with BPD? How do you wake up everyday and face these things we're forced to face and keep on living? I'm just... lost