Obsessed and Paranoid
I love the idea of getting to love someone for the rest of my life because I feel completely empty when I don't have a relationship. Please don't tell me any advice like finding oneself or enjoying being single because I'm tired and I know enough about myself, I'm just desperately lonely all of the time.
Friends are great but nothing compares to having someone love me romantically even though I never believe they really love me to begin with. I really wish I could trust someone enough to know they love me but I don't believe anyone loves as much as I do, especially not romantically, when all my exes have moved on incredibly fast.
I wish i was already married but also I'm completely repulsed by relationships because I expect everyone to lie to me and not care about me regardless of how long I date them or how much I trust them. I expect to be cheated on and I expect to be completely devalued and forgotten even though I wish someone loved me as obsessively and painfully as I love them....
I want to throw up when I think about a relationship but I also would do anything to get to have a healthy one.... Again, I really don't want to be alone so any advice to enjoy being single is a dead end that I don't want to hear right now because I'm having mood swings.