Introspection Thread!
Hi everyone. I thought this would be a good place to make a thread all about introspection. It's a place to process our thoughts and delve deeper into why we do what we do. Here you can talk about emotions, self discovery, repeated habits, past-and-future connections, etc. Even if you just need to sit down and process some thoughts, you can do that here. Sometimes you need to organize and listen to your thoughts before delving deeper into yourself.
I know this probably won't be for everyone! Analyzing yourself can become obsessive and even harmful if you're someone who can't let it go. Often, my mind will start analyzing itself in the background, becoming so cluttered that I become even more frustrated or unable to get things done. I get stuck on figuring something out, and my brain cannot stop until I do. Of course, the more cluttered my brain gets, the further I get from figuring it out. Sometimes, when that happens (at least for me), sitting down and typing everything I'm thinking can help my mind quiet down--even if I don't reach any new conclusions. Maybe it'll be helpful to others, too!
So this is supposed to be a safe place to do that. Let me know if you have any questions or concerns. And remember, we're all different. If this doesn't work for you, you're not required to respond to anyone or stay here! If someone already made a thread like this, let me know, and I can take this one down (if that's possible).
...annnnd I think that's it! Feel free to post here if you feel up to it.
I'll something I wrote tonight to start this thread off. You do not have to read this! I recommend that you don't if reading something negative might make you feel worse. Feel free to post and not read others' posts if that's safer for you!
I feel nauseas. Something doesn't feel right. I think I recently got upset about something but can't even remember what it was. Maybe that's a good thing.
I really need to sleep, but I just don't want to. Something feels really, really off, and it's like I need some sort of distraction. But it's 3:40AM. What happens at 3:40AM? I guess a lot can happen at this time, especially since I live in a family that doesn't get to sleep until it's very late. But, right now, it's quiet. So quiet.
I don't even know what I'm thinking or what I'll end up typing here--if anything. There's just this strong need for something to happen, even when I'm pretty sure that it'll be uneventful for the rest of the night. It's like there's a child in my head saying, "I don't want to go to bed," and I know I can't make it. My body has felt achy and flu-like for the past few days, yet I can't stop pushing it because rest is scary. It's like sitting in a quiet empty room--all alone with my thoughts. What even are my thoughts? I can't notice them crossing my mind for some reason. Maybe that's why having nothing happening is so scary. When "nothing" is happening around you or in your mind, what's left? What is your existance?
I know I'm using extreme words, nothing being one of them. It's just how I feel right now. If I'm not living in a moment with something unusual happening, the emptiness in my mind can spread to the future, reminding me that there's a high chance that nothing will change. And I think the possibility of life being different in the future--me being a different person especially--is what I live for now. So I don't deal with it. I guess I feel really stuck and helpless. If I start trying to improve myself, though, I quickly give up, which causes me to have even less faith in my ability to change. So I continue to zone out and not deal with anything. I think that makes me even less likely to follow through with something and not give up. It seems like there always ends up being a negative cycle in my thoughts and behavior, and I'm not strong enough to break it.
At times like this, all I want to do is run out of the house in a random direction--no destination and nothing to worry about. Nothing sounds better than sitting in the middle of the woods... alone. Forgetting everyone and everything that exists and only having to worry about myself--no one to run after me or try to find me. I want to hear the chirping of crickets in almost pitch-black darkness, and if something walks behind me, being able to feel the comfort of not having to care what happens next.
I guess a lot of this comes from feeling responsibility for others, even though I don't notice myself feeling that responsible. But, if I think about it, nothing ever seems to feel more comforting than being in a situation where I'm unable to take responsibility for others. Maybe it's a bigger problem for me than I thought. Also, I've never been good at helping others. I'll quickly switch into survival mode and won't hesitate to put my needs first... to the point of invading others' boundaries. I can be manipulative, hateful, and ready to put someone down to pull myself up. But in the end, I end up covered in guilt anyway. The number of people I have to "make it up to" just keeps growing. Maybe that's why ideas like being alone in the woods and being the only one that exists sound so appealing. There's no one to "make it up to."
That's probably enough for tonight. I didn't expect to write that much, but maybe it's a good thing that I did. I think I feel a little calmer and more understanding of myself now. I'm sorry to anyone that I've hurt.
Nothing you write here has to be this long or in-depth. Feel free to write whatever... even if it's just a sentence or two. 
