Desperately Seeking Suggestions
TRIGGER WARNINGS: self harm, grief, loss, physical attack
Two years ago I couldn't have comprehended how much worse things would get. Two years ago I made self harm act....I was on life support a week and still wonder, did I really survive???
I had given up after losing my brothers, friends, home to flood, my business to my health. Even both my dogs passed in the same 3 years. Then after I was severely injured from being attacked, I did give up.
15% chance of survival, but the critical care staff refused to let me die.....and I truly tried to live and give again. I hardly caught my breath before tragedy struck. My dad died of a gunshot to his chest. Was ruled self inflicted. I'll leave it at that.
My sister then got the control she always sought. For a year now, she's kept my mom from me. I tried to see her once(living w sister since dad's death) and wS arrested for trespassing!!!. I talked to my mom one time in July and was told my sister threatened to stop helping her if she had anything to do with me!!!! My mom and I cried but that was it. I've been homeless since December. Paid a mortgage 24 years and I'm homeless! My sister convinced our mom to put 4 homes and properties in her name. Believing she would be fair, my mom did that soon after our dads death.( they Had him cremated without giving me the chance to say goodbye). My sister then had me and sons evicted from our home that was once my brothers. I invested money and repaired it after flood(his had far less damage).sold all our belongings,trashed the sentimental things. Things my brothers, Grandmother, dad, friends, my son's all gave me. Made me. Things I collected. Cherished. Gone.
I'm disabled now. The attack and my suicide attempt both caused damage. Stress is blamed for so much too.
I can rarely write about this. I have to be in a certain mood.. I can NEVER speak about it. I get so overwhelmed I feel I'll explode. I feel hopeless about making new friends, cause w BPD, it rarely happens. Never see my sons cause of homelessness. We do talk , text, chat.
When I'm at my lowest, I don't know what to do anymore. Hotlines ask what would you like to talk about, chat about, text about?! Then the questions....I can never do it. My anxiety goes straight to 10. How am I feeling? I can't allow those either. My mind goes straight to wanting the pain to stop!
My doctor appointed A RN and social worker who call me and have helped get through last few months...w physical needs, but at a loss about the rest. Transportation, expenses are issues now....I'm Starting completely over but in poor health this time.
When I "feel" , I go from zero to overwhelming in seconds. Any suggestions ???? ...... Relaxation meditation etc do the opposite of calming me. So far, only distractions help but I can't constantly do that.
Desperately Seeking Suggestions.,..........................
@kindTurtle3738 Hi. The loses you have experienced are really a lot to deal with. There have been times where I’ve reached out to crisis lines and found more frustration than relief. I found meditation helpful in the past, but there is a level of pain that won’t sit still for meditation, so I totally understand when you say it works opposite of what’s advertised. I don’t have suggestions except say I’ve heard your pain, and I think you are so brave to keep pushing forward - that was the one thing I could hold on to at the darkest times, knowing that in the past I kept pushing forward - that it was the one thing I could count on. What also helped was knowing that my predictions for my future during those dark times was way off the mark. Continuing to push forward eventually had its rewards. Keep reaching out here. You don’t have to repeat the details of your story if you don’t want. Sometimes we just need someone to “be with” us. Maybe some of on 7 Cups can be here for you. May you be blessed.
I think that is why I push on..... So there is still an amount of hope in me that maybe what I see from where I am is not the future I'll have. Maybe that small miracle will change this path.
It would be nice to have someone I never have to repeat anything to. To just be in the moment with because that's hard enough many times. My only contact is my phone so I'm not sure what that would look like.
Thank you for relaying to my post. You helped me see I must have a little hope.
@kindTurtle3738 Wow I'm so sorry for all the pain you've gone through. It sounds awful. To be homeless after paying mortgage for so many years... to have your kids taken away... to have lost everything. No wonder your life is in shambles. How you feel makes perfect sense to me.
@kindTurtle3738 I think your first step is to grieve the loss of your health, grieve the loss of your loved ones. Grieve the loss of the life you used to live. There is a saying: funerals are held to comfort the living. Allow yourself that comfort. Hold a small ceremony: either by yourself or with a few close friends. Write down your losses on paper and then dispose of them in the ceremony. For example: you can write down "my home" or "my old way of life". And then burn the piece of paper in a fire pit. Watch the flames devour it. And let it serve as a sense of closure. Cry about the loss. Allow yourself to reminisce about the old times.
Find a photograph of your father (if you have one to spare or make a copy.) Give it a burial in a park or some plot of land. Put down some flowers. Read a poem out loud to commemorate your father's life. Read something he would enjoy, or something he used to read to you. Light a candle. Let it burn out. Allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to feel angry. Allow yourself to scream "it's not fair." Allow yourself to feel the grief and go through the process.
@kindTurtle3738 After you have allowed yourself to grieve the losses you experienced, here are my thoughts for some possible next steps. (Please think of this as a menu of options)
- Enroll in a "PROS" program near you. Personalized Recovery Oriented Services (PROS) is a program focused on recovery for individuals with mental health conditions. This is more focused on achieving your health goals, career goals and general wellness.
- OR- -
Enroll in an IOP program near you. The typical IOP program offers a lot of group therapy, and some individual therapy. This adds up to about 10 hours per week. This is more focused on stabilizing symptoms.
- Talk to a conflict mediator about your situation with your sister.
- OR - -
Talk to a lawyer about your situation with your sister.
I have tried several times to reply and it's so hard to focus on one thing. One day I will grieve the loss of my dad. That is complicated. There is so much surrounding what happened to him.
If our loved ones still can see us after they pass, then my dad is not too happy. I owe it to my self, my dad. my son's. My sister AND mom had no problem enjoying themselves this past year. The worst year of my life. I do not care to reunite with my mom except in court. And my sister is not worth stepping on. I'll grieve later. I like your suggestion on how to do it. I'll involve my son's and their dad. At that point I'll know he will be able to find the peace he earned.