Dating and BPD

@selfconfidentNectarine8016 Hi! I hope you are doing well. I am really sorry that things have been difficult with your girlfriend and the BPD. Have you tried expressing to her when she is calm how you've been feeling and that you aren't sure how to handle it at times? Sometimes it's best to just ask outright what you can do and what they need so everyone is happiest and prepared when the situation arises. If this continues even after you guys have talked, it's important that you set those boundaries because you shouldn't have to deal with this constantly without a plan. I am wishing you lots of luck and I hope things work out! ❤️

@selfconfidentNectarine8016

Hi Nectarine! I think you are very noble (and also brave!) for giving a chance to someone who is struggling with BPD.

What you need to know though is that, in being in this relationship, you will be faced with lots of challenges. It is up to you to decide whether you are ready, willing and strong enough to devote your time and energy to someone who won't always be able to give back to you the love you need as well. Not all of us are really built for dealing with these issues, and that is also totally fine. Of course, in relationships we need to support each other as best as we can, but while keeping in mind also that we are no mental health institution - and most likely, her issues won't (nor do they have to) be solved by you.

In your particular situation, it could be the case that by telling you that she wants space, she actually thought: "Try harder." This is very common, not only in people struggling with BPD but also in very "normal" folks. Maybe she wants you to chase her a little bit, but that is just a guessing. You will need to go by your gut feeling.

I wish you and your girl the best of luck and sending you lots of support ❤️

hey!

i relate to this entirely too much. i’m gonna give some advice first and my story is down below incase you want to read to see what i’m facing and how i’m handing the situation :).

for one, if you truly love her.. stay with her. she’s probably dealing with a lot right now and facing a ton of confusion, so she’s likely unable to understand herself the way she’s feeling and a way to handle it. of course, if she’s struggling she can’t give you a solidified answer. just try your best to consider her side of the situation and but continue to communicate with her (let her know you love her, support her, are there for her.. speak about important parts of your day as it’s happening, say gn/gm, etc). in the time she’s not responding to you, try to engage in activities you like. maybe think of ways you could be a better boyfriend to her in terms of after things get back to normal. do things that you enjoy. try to better yourself.

second, ask questions but not too many. ask her how she’s feeling everyday so you know how the day is going to progress. if she says “it’s okay” try to push her into talking to you more, if she says she still doesn’t feel right, then continue with the maintaining communication. try to slide in a few questions about ways to deal with the situation, but also don’t overwhelm her as she may not know herself.

third, do not read older messages. i did this and it hurt me even more. just don’t do it. focus on the present and the future.. ways you can handle this situation if/when it happens in the future.

fourth, make a list of things that you want to speak to her about after things start to get back to how they were. write down all the questions you have, any plan that you decide to make to handle this situation so you can tweak it with her, any hurtful situations that bothered you but you couldn’t address in the moment, any reassurance you want her to give you, etc.

fifth, do not take the things she does to heart. she may do things that you asked her not to do. for example, i begged my bf who has BPD to tell me when he went out and where/with who (bc of my trust issues from the past), and he ended up not doing it for 1+ month when he was facing an empty swing. i initially took it to heart but i realized i couldn’t since he’s dealing with a lot (in his case, not having any emotions) that is making him not wanna associate with anyone. obviously if it’s something like cheating/abuse, you will take it to heart and decide what to do from there. but for other stuff like that, do your best to not take it to heart. address that what happened hurt you and ask why it happened, try to be understanding/deal with the situation on your own, and readdress the whole thing after things seem to get back to normal so you can heal all the way.

sixth, stick by her side. let it be known that you aren’t going to abandon her. reassure her that you’re there. follow all the other advice and always know that things will end up okay. if you love her and put in the effort to be by her side through tough times (including this), you and her will be okay.

also it would help me so much if we could somehow both talk about our experiences together or something while they’re happening. i’ve never met anyone else in a relationship with someone who has BPD, so it would help me sm to know i’m not alone.

my long distance boyfriend of four years has BPD. he’s dealing with an emotional swing, but during these swings all he feels is complete emptiness for everything in his life. the swing initially started off with him telling me he felt empty and not expressing his feelings as much and it progressed to him barely even communicating with me (like 3-4 super dry messages a day). initially i thought it was my fault and that he was singling me out in doing this and i started to take out my frustration on him. but i did end up doing a lot of research on bpd and realized he experiences these swings/episodes of chronic emptiness. he just feels really empty and has no feeling for anything, including me. this + some identity issues/having different types of personalities in different situations (like being more excited when partying or being calm when helping someone out) were the only bpd characteristics he experienced.

eventually, i did confess to some things within our relationship because it was eating up at me and i hated the distance between us and i told him that one of my ex’s was a fictional person who i created to make him jealous and what not (made him up at 12 when i first started dating my bf & literally just kept it going). he ended up not speaking to me for 3+ days and i was worried. he came back & told me he’d been doing bad things in order to feel like drinking or adrenaline evoking activities like reckless driving and jumping trains. i was extremely worried about him, but we both agreed that he would stop if i also stopped self harming.

we were struggling… i was struggling because i really missed my boyfriend but he didn’t care to text me at all, and in the very small occasions that he did, his responses were extremely dry. i hated having to deal with the distance and i was super depressed for the last month. i turned to self harm and my panic attacks were getting worse. but i knew the only way i could deal with it was by pushing myself to focus on me (like exercising and doing activities i liked) so i could better myself as a person and as a girlfriend for him. it was taking a lot in me to start because i spent my nights staying awake, but i did find watching netflix and going out with friends to be a good distraction. over the last week, since thursday ish.. he said that he’s been able to feel just a little and he’s been calling me. it was the first time we called since the first week of february (so 1+ month)

currently i’m a bit bothered because he dumped a LOT of information onto me like how he went out partying, drank with friends in the past, was climbing trees with friends, and just going out with friends in general. i felt like he was putting his friends above me, but he did explain that they forced him out because they noticed he was isolating himself. i guess i couldn’t help but feel that he was ignoring me/singling me out in front of his friends but i realized that it wasn’t the case. he was really trying to avoid everything, but they just forced him out (which i am happy about).

but when we call thursday and he dumped all this onto me, i was struggling to take in all the information because i was under the impression that he was treating everyone the way he was treating me (dry responses, no calling, no texting, no associating, etc) but he showed me pics of him partying and hanging out with his friends and it really really really stung. and i also noticed a huge change in his lingo, body language, his interests and it hurt really bad because we both are the closest people to each other, yet it felt that i knew nothing about him. in the time we didn’t speak, i made sure to text him about my day and about me so he was updated on my life and wasn’t shocked in the way that i was. but because he didn’t do the same, it really hurt and hit me all at once.

i’m still hurting really bad and i’m doing my best to cope but it’s hard. we talked about this today & he told me that when he feels empty, he doesn’t care to notify me of his life or text anyone/what not. he explained that he did things like drink/turn to bad coping in order to try and feel. he said he went out bc his friends forced him out and he was faking a lot of emotions in front of them (i’m glad he is his true self with me even if it hurts super bad). obviously in terms of his changing, once things go back to normal we can work on bringing it back to how it was. but when i heard it all at once it stung bad. i know that there is a huge chance that him not telling me things/not texting me will happen again in the future if/when he feels empty again, so all i can do is address the situation and my pain, try my best to deal with the pain i feel and handle all the situations that come at us, and eventually talk about them once things are back to normal. either way, i know things will go back to normal and it’s just that right now he’s not able to feel the emotions that he usually feels so it’s difficult for him to care when he feels nothing.

i know this may happen in the future, and i’m willing to stick by his side through it. i know deep down, he’s struggling a lot more than i am because while i am able to feel a TON of emotions right now, he’s not able to feel anything and all of his emotions are building up inside him. one day they will release and affect him really bad, and i’m going to be there for him that day. i know that i love him no matter what and i’m not leaving him. i cant take things to heart right now (excluding cheating/abuse), but i can simply address them, deal with the pain, and address them once things are okay again so i can fully heal. as of now, i try to be more me focused when he’s not responding, and more us focused when i do see his messages/he’s calling me. and i’m trying my best to not stop activities just so i can speak to him on one of the rare occasions he’s able to talk. i’m also trying my best to be a supportive girlfriend while also addressing issues that hurt me without 100% expecting him to comfort me/be there for me when i know that he cannot (that’s why i’m saving it for when he feels again). and i’m doing my best to cope in healthy ways. yes days where all i do is cry and miss him happen, but i cant change the situation and i know it will get better through time so i just cry and let it pass. i made a list of questions and situations to speak to him about in my notes app so that way i’m able to address everything in terms of reassurance for the next time that he experiences a swing, especially so we can both move past things that hurt us and come out stronger as a better bf/gf to each other.

as long as he doesn’t hurt me while he’s swinging and while he’s not swinging, i know that we both will be okay. i also know that we both have certain boundaries (like not cheating/abuse or our something getting to a point where we can’t take it or it’s not recoverable) for our relationship in general and cheating/abuse as a no for while he’s experiencing a swing. we both won’t do those things to each other and stick together to push through the challenges the universe decides to throw at us. but yes, i do have to be a bit more understanding during the periods where he’s dealing with a swing since he’s not able to feel. but during those times, he’s also going to have to try his best to do the things that i ask him to do (like letting me know when he’s out, with who, etc so i’m not as shocked with i find out and better communication with me/prioritizing me) — and i plan to speak about this with him once things are normal. for now, i can only address the issue and deal with it on my own and readdress when things are normal. but yes, i know that him and i are going to be okay in the end. i know that during these periods we both are going to have to try our best and push through to come out of it stronger.

i really hope this helps!

I struggle with bpd and I have always ended up wrecking any relationship I got into. I always wanted someone to stay even when I told them to leave thinking I would just bring them down or they would end up leaving me anyway. I’d push everyone away thinking it was for their own good and end up hurting myself because I was convinced they would end up ditching me and would pre-empt it to try to have some control over the hurt and pain. I’ve always wished someone would choose me and refuse to leave. I’ve also always had a self destructive streak like probably everyone else who struggles with bpd. I end up hating myself for destroying relationships I wanted to keep together but couldn’t. She probably needs support but doesn’t know how to accept it. I know I’m that way and I’d give anything to change.