BPD emptiness
what happens after bpd emptiness goes away and you feel again? my bf has bpd & he only experiences chronic emptiness. he keeps saying that he doesn’t know what’s going to happen after his emptiness goes away. he says that he will have a mental breakdown when all the emotions hit & that after, his personality might change completely/things might not go back to normal. i feel confused. can someone explain this?
Thank you so much for supporting him first! I had partners or "partner-to-be"s in my life who thought I was too "negative", selfish or scary and pushed me away. I actually understand the reason but still feel sick, and I appreciate at least you are trying to support as much as you can 🙏🏻
I totally got what your boyfriend said because we worried about getting hurt again in the future - everybody is going to leave me, everybody is going to hurt me, there is no one to trust, no matter what we do we will get hurt or abandoned again, etc. I also can tell he has tried his best to cope, because this is our one major coping mechanism to assume everything bad and we are afraid what would happen if we lose it, and he's at least trying and this is why he feels lost. I am in a transitional period and I literally feel the same way. One important thing my therapist told me is you have to accept yourself as how it is in this moment, and accept all the imperfections in your life no matter what happened. It's extremely hard for us because our problem is the mis-wired neural pathways we developed earlier, which force us to think in an extremely destructive way and it's almost impossible for you to get rid of that voice. I even take medications but there is only limited help, because we have to change our core beliefs of thinking first.
I firstly thank you again for your support for him and one thing will really help is to be gentle to us and show your support - we are extremely sensitive to harsh words and abandonment, because it gives us a feeling worse than death. I understand you have also gone through a lot accompanying him and have taken a lot of pressure, and I thank you again and again for your dedication 🙏🏻 Trust us that we are trying our best to live a new pattern of life and create new neural pathways, and I believe even though his symptoms will not completely improve, he will deeply appreciate you in the future as you have given him hope to trust❤️
@wojiaozly123
hi! yes of course. i don’t plan on leaving him anytime. we’ve gone through some rough things and i’ve said some really harsh things to him, so he told me there’s a chance that he won’t feel anything & break up with me to be by himself for a while (after he felt again). he also told me he would most likely eventually come back to work things out with me, so i’ll be there waiting for him. i think when he first started feeling this way, i blaming a lot on myself and thinking everything was my fault when it wasn’t. i had to realize that he couldn’t control it and that it was a biological/psychological thing causing this — not me. he’s never experienced the other symptoms such as mood swings and outbursts. but he does experience these phases of chronic emptiness. he also experiences smaller episodes where he feels insecure/sad and tries to shut himself out when he starts to feel that way. we’ve gotten through those as they last 1-2 weeks for him and he still talks to me and loves me. but this is the first time he’s felt completely empty and felt nothing for anything (in terms of his time with me). he experienced this before but not while we were dating so it was a first for me. i didn’t know how to handle it except blame it all on myself and get mad at him constantly. i know that when he feels again, all those build up emotions are gonna hit him at once. and after what i said initially and told him some truths, the worst case scenario is him leaving me and coming back (as he told me he would even tho he can’t feel anything right now.. so that’s gotta mean something). so i’ll be here waiting for him whether that’s by his side or not. i’m gonna show him that he can trust me again and that i won’t hurt him and that when this happens, i’m there for him. i was initially scared that in his time away from me, he would end up finding another person but after knowing him for the last four years, i know he wouldn’t especially if he’s that emotionally hurt. but just incase, when he makes a decision after he feels, i do plan on making him promise me that he wouldn’t find someone else or date/drink/smoke/do drugs/dangerous things so i myself am reassured. and i’ll ask him if he’s going to come back (since he can give me a more straightforward yes at that time). and i’ll be set to be there for him and let him know he can talk to me whenever he’s ready and stuff and that i love him/am sorry/am there for him. but before he potentially breaks up with me, i am gonna ask him to reconsider so we can avoid talking about all that and figure it out together (which would be a better case scenario). i guess i need a lot of reassurance so after things go back to normal, i do plan on asking him a lot of questions about these empty feelings and us. i’m also gonna talk to him about stuff we both can do better as partners, what i’ve been up to, what he’s been up to, some things he needs to tell me (like whether he’s safe) and therapy options. he told me that he can’t go to therapy now because he would put on a facade in front of the therapist like he’s okay when he’s not. so i’m gonna push him to go after he feels again so that way he’s gets into the routine of therapy & he has better coping mechanisms and we can maintain communication together (& hopefully this could be prevented) and improved. and his therapist would recognize when he’s pretending to be okay and stuff too. i was thinking that when we started to be near each other in person rather than long distance that we both get the same therapist and go at different sessions so that way the therapist knows about the relationship i’m in and can also help me handle these situations better (since they would know him/what he’s going through & help me get through it better by giving me reassurance that he still cares and loves me even tho he feels empty now). so yeah, i feel confident that moving forward we can have a stronger relationship together and have more communication, better coping resources, and more reassurance (for me to feel okay and to reassure him). i’m just gonna focus on me for now since there’s not much i can do especially since he’s not texting me and i can’t stop his empty feelings. ofc i still reassure him everyday that i love him, i’m sorry, and i’m there for him no matter what and i tell him what i’m doing, goodmorning/goodnight, where i’m at, etc. i’m open with him and (i know it’s hard) but i’ve been pushing him to be open with me too. if something makes me sad when he says something, i know he doesn’t mean it and i don’t take it to heart. but yeah that’s pretty much my plan for our future. i wanna be there for him more than anything. and i want him to stop suffering because i know what he’s dealing with is much worse than what i’m dealing with. so i am gonna make sure he gets the help he needs and we’re better moving forward. this situation taught me a lot about the toxic relationship we were having and how things were going bad between us, especially with me treating him badly and his mistakes too. so i think we can come out stronger (especially since i realized my mistakes and since i’m gonna talk to him about things he can improve too).
@inventivePond7320
Dear InventivePond, thank you for supporting a person with BPD <3 His condition will not only be a challenge for him, but for you as well. It is very important that you don't connect the states he is experiencig with your self, as most likely they have nothing to do with you and are not a reflection of things that are going on in your relationship. They are more a reflection of his own inner demons and there are times in which you will have to give him the space he needs so he can work things out on his own (if he does not want support from you when he is in such a state). What you can do is remain as understanding and supporting as you possibly can. He doesn't always have to take your help, but just offering yourself and making sure that he knows that he can talk to you is powerful in itself. There will be many ups and downs with your relationship and you can expect that you will feel mistreaten without reason - the only question is - are you willing to live with that and accept that? Not everyone is capable of having a relationship with someone with BPD and that is okay. We all have different capacities and need to know our limitations. Therefore, you will really have to think through whether this relationship works for you and whether also your needs get met! That is most important! I hope that this post helps. I wish your boyfriend and you the best of luck <3
