BPD during COVID-19 (TW: SH mentions)
I'm sure anyone who is borderline understands the huge impact that lockdown measures can have on your mental and emotional stability- but I'm not sure my friends and family do completely. When I try to talk about it I am frequently told to read a book, exercise or that 'everyone's in the same boat, everyone's depressed'. I just want to feel heard. I don't expec them to be able to solve my issues in any way, I'm just tired of pouring my heart out and feeling dismissed.
I'm experiencing loneliness uncontrollable fear of being forgotten, which are causing me to swing between dissociation and painful anxiety (sore chest/ hands symptoms). I'm terrified that the man I'm dating, my friends and others will lose interest in me when they can't meet up with me. I scare myself stupid every time I don't get a text or call back, and convince myself that I've been abandoned because I'm not worth their effort/ not interesting enough to be worth their time. As soon as I hang up the phone after speaking to someone, I immediately begin torturing myself over not entertaining them enough during the call.
On top of it all, huge levels of stress are causing painful herpes flare-ups (HSV-2) and it now takes longer to get ahold of the antiviral medicine. My self-image is unstable and I keep shifting between short bursts of wanting to show off on social media, and then hating my body wholly and wanting to change my diet and appearance. The frustration is bringing up desperate SH urges which I have not felt or acted on in 3 years.
I have been very in control of my anger since completing two courses of DBT three years ago, although for some reason people still expect me to have an outburst and that it is more likely when I'm stuck indoors. Truthfully- the lockdown hasn't made me feel any more anger than usual but has sent me in the complete opposite direction. I feel really overwhelmed by empathy for those affected by the virus, and each death feels like a personal blow and breaks my heart. I'm greiving for thousands I've never met.
I have progressed to a point where I can effectively observe, moderate and control my emotions, but I'm scared that this situation will take that control away.
I just want to know that I'm not alone, and that others who are borderline may be experiencing the same things/ have some advice.
Izzy x
@Bizzybee21
Hi Izzy, thank you so much for writing this and sharing your experience here. You are definitely not alone! I hear your senses of frustration, fear, loneliness, and I understand them very well. I am really sorry you are feeling self-harm urges again, that must feel very challenging. I am proud of you for having progressed to a point where you can recognize and deal with your emotions so well. You seem to be talking from a place of non-judgment and compassion, this is truly inspiring.
What you are going through makes lots of sense, you know? It is ok to have challenging moments like those you are experiencing in this incredibly stressful time. You are truly doing a great job, even coming here and writing what you feel is a great thing and I hope you can feel some pride for it!
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