Art Therapy?
I just recently started art therapy and it's been somewhat helpful sometimes to just get in the mode of making something. I think the best thing has been my new counsellor who I seem to connect with really well. This connection however is making it ten times more difficult for me to keep going. He doesn't seem to be running away, but I feel like I should because I'm clearly way too attached and don't know how to deal with these overwhelming, confusing and complicated emotions. He seems to want to keep going and working through things but I'm worried he doesn't understand the intensity and crazy feelings - I don't even understand them. I feel like I'm on a cliff and can't figure out what to do. I don't want to lose the connection, I think this could really work, but at the same time I'm terrified and don't think he really knows how things are for me - and if he did then he really would run. All of this just reminds me how crazy I feel and I'm not sure what to do. Has anyone else had a similar situation - I know it's a weird one but thought I'd ask? I've been through a lot of therapists. No one wants to work with someone with bpd......and I found one that has and fits me well. It hasn't been that long either but working on stuff just stirs up the hornets nest - I'm terrified the process will be my undoing.
@Trying87
Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story with us, lovely, it can be extremely frightening to press send, but you did it.
Art therapy sounds like an immensely positive thing for you, giving you the confidence to face new things. I'm a strong believer in the power of creativity as a way to overcome strong emotion - have you got any pictures of anything that you've made? It would be a joy to see them!
The patient-therapist or client-counsellor relationship can be an extremely complex one, and when we share our lives with someone, telling them our most intimate secrets and feeling accepted for perhaps the first time in our lives, it's only natural for boundaries to be hard to see. That's why counsellors and therapists go through an immense amount of training to keep the relationship therapeutic and productive, so that they can best help their patients. That is to say: it's his job to be there for you, to try and understand how you're feeling, and if you are as attached as you say you are, he is obligated to make sure that you don't get hurt.
I understand that BPD adds a great deal of complication, but you don't need to hide it, not in the slightest. It is his job to understand you! And believe me, you are worth that understanding and that love.
You talk about this process being your undoing, do you mean that you fear the trust you've placed in him will backfire? As I said, it is so damn hard to open up and trust anyone, but you did it! You're doing it! Even coming here, just a baby step like this, is another step towards becoming a more trusting and open person. It's easy to visualise trust as a solid, tactile object - we only have so much trust, and we can only give it to one person at a time, but the truth is that trust grows and expands - the more we share, the more we open ourselves, the more we have to give, and the less we notice it if someone does betray that trust.
All in all, please remember that your feelings aren't anything to be ashamed of or worried about - it's his job to protect you.
If you want to talk more, please reach out to me, I'd love to hear from you ❤ I really hope that things become clearer soon.
All my love,
Lyra
@Lyra
Hello Lyra!
I'm sorry it's been so long. For some reason I stepped away from 7 cups for a little while, and found myself having a really hard time at the moment and decided to come back on and was welcomed by your wonderful response. Thank you so much.
Things have been getting better of sorts in the boundaries department. My counsellor has been fantastic working with my worries around boundaries and we just keep talking about it all the time to keep things on the same page. It's been extremely challenging.
That being said we've been doing a lot of really hard core work - stuff that I have never worked on before after years of counselling with several people. I know the connection we have is why we've been able to start looking at the hardest stuff in my life. When I was talking about my fears of being ruined, this is actually what I meant. That in tyring to heal I wouldn't be able to survive that change. I wouldn't be able to survive the work it would take to move forward in my life. Unfortunately I am hititng that roadblock right now, which is why I popped up on 7 cups tonight.
On a side note my counsellor and I came up with a really neat idea for trust (well it was pretty much his idea lol). The concept is that everyone you meet or interact with has a bag and if they do something that is trustworthy then you put marbles in their bag. If they do soemthing untrustworthy then you take some out. I like it because it makes trust a more fluid concept, less all or nothing thinking and because you can take some marbles away and not feel bad about doing so in my opinion and everyone has their own so that helps separate things out.
Anyway. I just wanted to say thank you so much for this wondering repsonse. It was wonderful to see tonight. I hope life is treating you well. I'd post some of my drawings but they're really not very good lol.
Have a wonderful night,
-Trying87