Being avoidant without an intension
Hi! Here i am, after a long time of feeling wierd and alianated finally figured out what might be wrong with me. I'm so scared of other people judging me that i unconsciously prefer not to get close to anyone. If i manage to get close to someone and be brave enough to call him/her friend one's usually toxic and manipulative. I have a soft nature and people can easily use me for emotional support and when i need them they're never there for me. I sometimes let them manipulate me so i won't lose them, i don't really have any friends.
I had a friend like this and i got tired so first time in my life i got so angry that I broke a promise i gave him about helping him and i lied him. I know I've done wrong.. I'm messed up.. Think it's time to avoid him and try making new friends, but all of these is so hard.. I'm not sure if i can handle this much. Also i plan on apologizing him before i stop being friends with him.
@wittyCake5344 It sounds like you are making progress on self-awareness, which sometimes might seem like not much but is actually a huge and valuable step! I can tell that you are hard on yourself for how you respond to people, but usually we do not choose our fears or our automatic coping responses. Getting to know yourself better and what is driving those fears of being judged will help you heal and change, you are already doing the work of healing!