A place for Vase and Berry
Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊
why is my hair hair falling out like crazy?! it makes me feel horrible looks at the huge bunch of hair that comes out when i brush or wash my hair.
i got so overwhelmed today in the chemistry class. first off, i don't understand what the teacher is teaching, next we found out we have a horribly long club activity this saturday, next we found out we have class photograph on monday. we also have ptm on monday by the way. and we also have our maths project submission on monday. why does it all have to be on one day??
i'm super worried about the maths project. it feels very complicated. and generally i stay up late the night before a project submission but there's no way i can do that on sunday night. because i have to wake up at the usual 6 am on monday by any chance (because my father's away, he cant drop me to school and i go by bus or i don't do to school). i also need to wake up and do my eyebrows properly. they are clearly horrible looking and i dont even get time to grow them out because i found out about it today. and i need them to look fine in the photo so i need time in the morning to fix them. and my hair too cant be messy. i wont be able to manage that if i stay up late the night before. and i cant even skip school on monday because the'res parent teacher meeting and class photograph. those are both important and i cant miss them.
i dunno how i'll complete my project early especially if the club activity eats up my time on saturday. i might skip the club activity. i hate it. but my attendance is too low so i dunno. i might go if my friend goes.
so all that has to be handled along with a possible physics notebook submission on monday. i'm trying to calm myself down and do what i can. today i'll probably rest and only do a little biology and some very basic maths homework. i badly need sleep. i slept only 3.5 hrs last night.
i was feeling horrible last night for having wasted my day not getting anything done. the feeling was really very bad and i couldn't get myself to go to bed like that. so i made a horrible decision to watch some youtube till i feel better. normally when i feel like this, i try to talk to some cups friend but they we're around last night. you know if you're talking to someone, it's easier to feel better soon and say goodnight when that happens. with youtube, we tend to keep and keep on watching and time flies away without us even realising it.
what made things worse was that instead of going for the videos i have watched before and i know they will help me feel better, i went with all kinds of random stuff. it didnt help at all and just wasted my time until i finally decided to stop watching at 2 am. and suddenly the silence and no youtube distraction made me start crying so i cried for quite some time before i feel asleep at around 2:30 am. then i had to wake up by 6 am. i made a huge mistake last night and it means i've been feeling pretty horrible for most of today.
just wanna ask, to actually go to bed by a particular time, say 12 am, i need to stop studying and cupsing by some point. generally i keep that to be 11 pm but i can never fully stop at 11 pm because i don't get the things done that i expect myself to do. like i don't finish typing my good moments but tell myself i need to do it even if it means going to bed late, because i don't want to fall behind on sharing. so how do i actually do everything earlier so i stop at the specific time?
oh by the way, my mother's drama happened again today. at first she yelled about yesterday's maths things and how i should be remembering and noting down stuff she's explained to me before. it hurt but i stayed quiet and let her say what she wanted without talking back. i thought that would let her calm down. so then she did calm down a bit and i continued my boring narration of what happened in school today. she started asking silly questions about library class. it annoyed me and i said something sarcastically.
she got so so mad, told me a bunch of things (like pointing at me and letting me that i've lost my mind and i'm acting abnormally and she's just being normal), got up and locked herself in her room. i let her be there. later she came to me to tell me that sarcasm is totally unacceptable behaviour. okay, i understand it can be disrespectful. but seriously? what's so wrong with sarcasm that she needs to get this mad? and she made me promise that i will never be sarcastic again. now i feel horrible. i am quite a sarcastic person when i get annoyed. how can i get rid of that in one day?
by the way, what she did does hurt and in the moment i felt like crying very bad but i think calling her a "horrible, stupid, insane lady" in my mind helped lol.
"i put so much effort into her only to have her turn out like her father. i selflessly served others, always putting myself last. and now no one's there for me. everybody is selfish and only think about their own needs and don't give a thought to that of others." and i don't think i need to tell you who said that.
i'm wondering, in what ways am i "just like my father"?
I am running late, so I am going to answer the longer message tomorrow. But for the shorter one - how are you like your dad - she worries about you like she worries about him in my view. Meaning that she sees herself as mentally strong (although she isn't because she gets angry very quickly) and the two of you as people she needs to worry about and take care of.
It allows her to feel superior (and always the victim) but it doesn't work well for her. She knows deep down she should be doing more for your mental health, but she doesn't want to do it because it would take effort. So I think that her playing the victim all the time is a lie that she tells herself. Your dad and you deal with your emotions more head on. That is actually the better option even though it is riskier.
@bestVase7265 "Your dad and you deal with your emotions more head on." how is that?
Your mom is mentally ill too. She has never gotten over her own abuse which leads to her constant anger. Your dad and you know that things aren't right and look to get help for yourselves. That is the only way to heal and she can't heal until she starts doing that. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 my father knows that things arent right and is looking to get help for himself?? really?
by the way he will be coming home tomorrow night. and i don't want him here. i like him being away. to be honest i haven't talked to him at all since 17th nov, only just seen the pictures he has sent to my mother of him visiting various places. i didn't even talk to him on the phone lol. and i don't miss him the slightest bit.
it's 12 am, my mother had gone to bed already, and i'm up doing my maths project that i need to submit tomorrow. i'm so tired and badly wanna go sleep but i need to finish this.
tomorrow i have class photograph, maths project submission and also parent teacher meeting (meaning my mother will come to school at 2:30 pm and we both will be there till 3:30 pm and then come home). i'm so scared about tomorrow.
and i'm so scared right now because i'm very sleep deprived and seeing things that arent there. i feel like there's someone behind me and i turn around to find no one. i'm so terrifieddd i want to sleep.
Do your best to sleep. Sending you lots of calming thoughts for your day tomorrow. You can do this. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 thank you. but i'm feeling too overwhelmingly overwhelmed. everything that i've heard from my friend today, etc etc etc and this huge problem with photo storage on my mother's phone that i cant figure out. i'm scared i'm gonna lose some precious photos. it makes me feel so so overwhelmed, i need to preserve every single photo that i take, i just cant lose any.
i'm so exhausted today from so little sleep. my hands and legs really hurt, and so does my head. i slept for 1.5 hrs in the evening. will probably do nothing and go to bed soon and hopefully get things done tomorrow.
Lots of deep breathing when you are overwhelmed. Make sure you are eating and drinking okay so you have enough energy.
Hoping that you work out your picture dilemma. Sending lots of peace. @exuberantBlackberry9105
i hate myself. i just want to k!ll myself, that's it. today is such a horrible day.
my "friend" has been making me feel so bad about myself. she has been so jumpy and excited today. she had constantly been boasting about how she rote learned an entire chemistry chapter yesterday. so of course she hasn't talking to me properly because she's in this horrible excited state of hers. i thought it would get better by the end of the day but it never did because nothing happened that would bring her feet back on the ground. she's been making me feel so so awful. i hate her.
and today, for the first time ever, my friend commented on my eyebrows. it feels like the worst day of my life. i thought she doesn't notice them. like if my mother notices and scolds me about it at home, that's one thing. now if even my friend is noticing it, it's really bad. "your eyebrows have become small" she said. i just replied "no! what are you even talking about?" she asked "did you do something to them?" i said no obviously and she just said a "hmmmmm" and left it luckily. i know on her mind it's that some people pluck and shape their eyebrows and stuff and wondering if i do that stuff. she has no idea that what i really do is struggle with randomly pulling out my brows with my fingers.
oh, and i looked at them in the mirror and realised what's wrong today since i havent pulled in a few days. everything was rushed today morning and i didn't cover it up well enough, so my brows looked really thin today. i'd have had many days where this has happened but today i guess it just caught her attention. that's such a horrible thing. even if she noticed, i wish she hadn't said it because it hurts.
and there's the person who's been trying to bully me during marchpast practice because apparently i'm "walking backwards" when really, i'm just marching on the spot and everyone else is taking little steps in front when they aren't supposed to. so she was constantly pushing me ahead with so much force that i could lose my balance and trip and she's screaming at me about how i'm not doing it properly.
we're supposed to scream "left right left, left right left...." while marching and i cant scream like that, so i just say it softly while i'm trying to catch my breath. and she's talking to me so harshly telling me that i'm not saying it and doing it properly. when i can saying it, just not loudly. and when i tell her that, she's shouting at me about how my voice is not heard.
i hate this marchpast practice. why cant any teachers make us do it? the teachers are just sitting and doing nothing and other students are commanding us to do it. when you let students do stuff like this, they use that power to do whatever they want and talk as rudely as they want. i was pulled out with a few others and made to hear rude stuff and practice separately because i'm not doing it properly. and it also means that even students who aren't really in charge get to be rude and do whatever because the teachers don't care.
i am not usually hurt by things that random students do to me and tell me. i try tell myself that it's just them being rude and immature kids. but it's not helping anymore. i try, but it hurts.
no one truly needs me, so what the helll am i holding on for?
random sentence from the english lesson that we're currently doing: "death is the brother of sleep, is he not?"
random thoughts: i often wish people like my father never existed. how many people around me wish that i never existed?
who would really care if i was dead? except cups people, i don't think anyone would.
my mother might feel like all her efforts were wasted and maybe she will be hurt, but she hurt me too, so i don't care. she might just make a new discovery that i did take her hurtful words seriously stop believing that i think too highly of myself (yeah, she does believe that i see myself as a great person, which is so wrong, i see myself as garbage). just good luck to her telling people about my death.
my father will have to deal with telling people his daughter died of suicide. and it'll probably be an embarrassment for him. but what about the times he's made me embarrassed? he might struggle to sleep because every time that some relative or neighbour has died, my father had started sleeping with packed windows and doors because he's scared that that person's ghost will haunt him or something. maybe he'll be scared of me but what about the fear i live in every day because of him?
my school friend might feel lonely, alone and left out, like she has no one to talk to. but how does that matter after what she did to me? she taught me to feel all those things and i don't care if i make her feel those things now.
to all these people, i'd just be giving them back the bad things they gave me. the fact that i'm wanting to do that shows how much of a horrible, cruel person i am. i am so cruel. i know i shouldn't be hurting people back just because they hurt me.
as a living person, i try not to hurt anyone. i never intentionally hurt my parents, all that happens is in anger and i always apologise. my friend has hurt me so much but i didn't hurt her back and gave her the attention she wanted when she came back to me. she makes fun of me for little mistakes i make and indirectly tells me that my worth is defined by how much and how well i study. but i try not to make fun of her for her mistakes just because she does that to me (sometimes i do get annoyed and do it though. she gives me funny reactions for things i say, and tells me "this is not expected from you" and i will admit to having said that to her as well and laughed at her, because i'm tired of her doing it to me.)
anyway, i make no difference to any of my current teachers, they don't even know me or my name. only our maths teacher knows my name because he's our class teacher. the teachers who know me and love me no longer teach me. i wish i could go visit my 7th grade english teacher once but i don't want to go with my friend and my friend literally follows me everywhere i go and i do need some space but she wont give it.
so who would even care?
by the way, i so regret going to school today. nothing useful happened and my friend just made me miserable.
my death will show everyone how cruel i am. i might be cruel to you as well because you don't want me to go but i will probably still go and hurt you in the process. i'm sorry. i don't mean to hurt you because you never ever hurt me, but i cant don't think i can help it anymore. the thoughts are getting uncontrollably bad.
I am sorry for all of the rough feelings of today. I think all of the emotions from earlier during the week when you were highly stressed cascaded into some overwhelming emotions today.
Your brain is lying to you about all the people that will be hurt if you left. They will be hurt and be hurt badly. Dismissing that or them as people isn't good. Trying to figure out how to dismiss me or other people on Cups that you talk to is also not good. You also are ignoring all of the wonderful people that you will meet in the future that you could impact in beautiful ways.
I do understand your pain but you can find ways to cope with it. When you open Cups each time to start, it opens to a Dashboard. How often are you reading the "Learn" section to start your Cups time. It will just take a few minutes to read. Please try to do it.
It is all exhausting I know. But you can do this just by trying and learning that what other people say about you isn't as important as what you say about you. There is so much that you can control rather than just internalizing other people's emotions.
@bestVase7265 what do you mean dismiss you and other people on cups?
umm and i don't look at the learn section of the dash anymore. it overwhelms me, i can never manage to do what it tells me to do. plus there's a bug (which persists even after reporting several times) with it that even after completing reading it, when i reload the page, it shows that i haven't read it. that's annoying so i just doing look at it anymore.
"what other people say about you isn't as important as what you say about you" really? but i too say so much stuff to myself.
my father came home last night and he's caught such a bad cold. it's really, really very bad. i'm scared he's gonna spread it around and make me fall sick too. i'm asking him to see a doctor so he doesn't make me and my mother fall ill, but he wont listen. he just told me to stay from him then. so i will. but he's so unwell and i'm getting scared. i don't want to fall sick now and fall even more behind in school when i'm already so behind. and his cold doesn't look like some usual cold. he is coughing so much and it sounds horrible, his snoring is 10 times louder and i can even hear it from my room, and his voice sounds totally different.
by the way, i'm wearing gloves right now, my fingers are freezing. all my windows are closed and my room is still so cold. a lot colder than what is desirable. if things continue like this, i'll have to get my parents to buy me a room heater.
By dismissing us, I simply mean ignoring our pleas for you to stay alive. We all know how hard it is sometimes. We recognize all that you are going through. But we think that you are important enough to the world that you should stay here. You are needed here. You add value to this world. That basic fact is what you are dismissing.
I am asking you to start looking at the "Learn" section again even if it says you haven't read it. That part doesn't matter. What matters is that you do read it because it gives you tips to manage. Those are tips that your brain simply doesn't want to hear. It allows you to fall deeper into the hole when you don't read such stuff regularly. You NEED to figure out how to regulate your emotions so you control them rather than vice versa. It is your life line to a rich, beautiful future. Yes, the tips are hard to do. You don't have to do them all at once. But if you read them often enough then they may start to retrain your brain simply by reading them.
You are actually repeating in your brain the lies that other people are telling you about yourself (and usually making those lies worse). You need a new brain narrative that you are starting to develop simply by believing that perhaps what your mom says about you for instance isn't true.
Hopefully your dad starts to feel better soon and doesn't spread anything. It is tough when people around you are sick and you get worried. Sending strength and peace for the coming days.
@bestVase7265 don't read this message until tomorrow please. thank you.
i'm just doing it because i don't think i'm needed or important and i don't think i add value to this world. i just cant believe it.
i understand what you're saying, but reading them doesn't help me. i don't think they're written keeping in mind the people who're in a really bad position like i am. reading them makes me feel worse and overwhelmed. please don't tell me to read it. if you'd like, i can read and watch some other stuff that help me get up a bit when i fall into the hole and don't make me feel overwhelmed and guilty for not doing things enough or not doing them the right way that it's supposed to be done.
"You are actually repeating in your brain the lies that other people are telling you about yourself" right, and some of them my brain comes up by itself.
yeah, i think my father's doing a bit better and so far me and my mother are fine.
today i saw my previous bench partner after a long time. he hadn't been coming to school since monday and i was worried. but he came today and i heard he wasn't well. and then during lunch break, somebody dropped his entire lunch on the floor and claimed it was an accident. he got really infuriated though and took the metal lid of his tiffin box and threw it across the classroom. it didn't hurt anybody and he did pick it up later, but yeah. he was really angry. and his food was all on the floor.
so he didn't eat anything at all. just stood at the window and looked down and i think he cried a bit. the people who made his food fall (i seriously doubt that it was an accident) didn't even offer him anything. he didn't go to tell any teachers about what happened. i'm sitting here wondering, should i have offered him some of my food, because i saw what happened and i don't hate him like everyone else. i know he hates me because my friend makes fun of him and he hates her and therefore me too, especially since we no longer sit together. but i still could have asked if he wanted something. i just didn't do it because i was scared of what other classmates would think of me.
i feel so sorry for him. i wish i could help. if we still sat together, it might have made it easier for me to help but now i can only watch him struggle with bullying and depression. i can see how depressed he is. i don't understand how he even keeps living when the whole class and every teacher hates him like this. how he lives while always being the soft target for all sorts of bad behaviour. 5 students could be making noise in the class but only he always gets punished. i still remember him telling me that he wants to k!ill himself. i'm scared he'll do it so whenever he doesn't show up in school i worry. i don't want him to do it because i cant deal with the guilt of knowing what he's going through and not doing anything about it and not doing anything to help when i could have.
I will read this one and look at it carefully tomorrow evening. @exuberantBlackberry9105
Ok. Here is a more specific answer to this post. My guess is that I will get to the one at the bottom tomorrow.
You are needed and are important. You show that in your ability to see the pain of your former bench mate. You are quite compassionate and can see things other people are missing. The world really needs your compassion. I know you say "I can't believe it". That is a decision. You can make a decision to at least let others hold onto that belief for you. Trust me.
You are also making a decision not to read the beginning section when you start each time. This one I am NOT going to let up on in any way, shape or form. You can tell me that there is no one in your family, no friends and no teachers who could ever help you get better at the moment because there is no one you can trust. You can tell me that there is no help line who would actually help you. You CANNOT tell me that reading a few paragraphs each day is too much for you. They are critical to retraining your brain. You don't like reading them because they are telling you truths that your brain doesn't want you to believe. It is easier to be in pain. You are most certainly not too sick to be helped by reading them. They are supposed to make you feel guilty and uncomfortable. You are strong enough to handle the words. Note that I am not asking you to do what the words say just yet. All I am asking is that you keep reading them.
I know you feel guilty about not helping your former bench mate. It is okay that you didn't. It would have been nice but he also could have gotten mad at you. He may have needed space to be alone at that moment. But you did see and you did care inside.
I also want you to lean into that fear you have that he is going to do something. I have that same fear for you. You want him alive even though he is depressed. I want you alive too. You can overcome depression. He can too. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 that hurt. i dont want to hear you say that.
and... my father has got be sick. very sick. probably wont go to school for a few days and miss out on what i really didn't want to miss. i want to kick and slap him so bad. and then k!ll myself.
I am sorry that I said something you didn't want to hear. All of it was meant to be encouraging and to help you believe that you can get better. I will continue to urge the same thing. I am asking you to read a few short paragraphs per day. It is a little like writing down the good things too. It took a while to convince you to do that. I recognize that this new effort will take a while too because your brain has become so accustomed to the lie that there is nothing you can do. I believe in you and that you can change your "destiny" here on earth.
I am sorry that your dad is so sick. Have you gotten sick too? Otherwise, I am not entirely clear from your message why you aren't going to school. Sorry for my confusion. @exuberantBlackberry9105
hey hey, happy birthday! 🥳 how's your day been? have you been able to do anything to celebrate? i know you mentioned that you won't really be celebrating, but maybe you could do a little something? i really hope you did. 🤍🤍
i wanted to make you something because you mentioned that you're not looking forward to your birthday. check this out: https://www.canva.com/design/DAGX3fTQ8Bo/XAWu9dVtwqNdeqvfsIFptw/view? (there's more after the first page, i just put the first page out here too.) i hope you like it hehe. ❤️
by the way, i made it because i really wanted to do something for you for a change. it's not out of obligation or anything like with my mother's birthday. i wanted to do this because it's always you doing so much for me and i never do anything for you. i just wanna give you something nice after what could have been a busy day with your mom, and want to make sure that you have at least some form of celebration on your birthday. ❤️❤️
I am going to start here tonight. I am so sorry that I didn't see this yesterday. I saw the "don't read this until tomorrow" and didn't look below it.
It was very lovely of you to put so much work into the Canva presentation. I really enjoyed reading it. It was very creative and shows your real strength in writing and creativity. I do love supporting other people. You already give me thanks though by just staying alive through tough times.
My birthday overall was okay. Today was the better part of it. We have a very important national holiday on Thursday that for me means a large family gathering with food where we give thanks. I have a nice family so it usually goes well. But I am in charge of desserts for the meal and have to take leftovers with me. They decided to give me a cake the day before my birthday. Then my mom who we saw on my birthday decided to give me another large cake. So all we have in the fridge right now are cakes and pies. I wish my birthday was any other day of the year besides the day after Thanksgiving.
This year my parents were too ill to go to Thanksgiving itself so we went over to my mom's house Thursday night (dad now lives in nursing care nearby). Mom broke her kneecap 6 weeks ago and needed surgery. Getting her to slow down and stop complaining about it all is really hard. She is very stubborn and acts like a toddler which means that she regularly says mean things to me, after which I get an "I can't help myself." So we spent all of the morning of my birthday helping her decorate her home for the holidays. She has boxes and boxes of stuff and everything has to be just perfect. Thus we only got half done before we had to leave to go visit my father and have the second birthday cake. He has lots of bowel issues which made that part less than pleasant with nurses needing to clean him up. We then drove the 3 hours home.
Today at least we got to go on a morning hike and I got to use some new binoculars that I got for my birthday to look for birds. But the rest of the day I have been refocused on grading. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 that's perfectly okay, i understand.
i'm glad you enjoyed reading it hehe. but what do you mean it "shows your real strength in writing and creativity"?
it's good to hear that your birthday was alright. i see about the holiday on thursday. i hope it went well. sounds like a very busy time for you though. oh lol, do you like cake? good luck clearing up your fridge of so much make and desserts. i hope you can eat it up soon before it all starts to lose its taste and stuff. "I wish my birthday was any other day of the year besides the day after Thanksgiving." i understand the feeling all to well - i always wish my birthday was any other time of the year than in the middle of exams (i almost always have exams on my birthday and the day before and after and it sucks.). but i think your birthday isn't on the day after thanksgiving every year and you just got unlucky this year?
i'm sorry about your parents, sounds like both of them arent doing well lately. wait, you had to spend your birthday decorating her house? that doesn't sound good, especially if she wants everything perfect and also gets mean sometimes. glad you could manage though and are home now after what sounds like a very busy day. by the why, i'm curious why you'd decorate this early. like i know christmas is a big celebration in your country, but so much decoration and so early? interesting...
new binoculars sound fun. i hope your could enjoy your morning hike before all your grading again.
how is it december already? where did the last two months fly by? i wish time down slow down a little.
okay, i had to live till your birthday but it's over now. so what am i supposed to live for now? i know my mother will be away for a few days during my winter holidays. that would be an excellent opportunity to d!e. i don't know what to live for anymore. i'm tired. like these last few days have been fine at home and school but i still don't feel good.
You are very right about my birthday not being next to Thanksgiving every year. I absolutely shouldn't complain so much. No one has a perfect birthday.
I haven't really done much decorating at my own home yet for Christmas, but it really is a month long holiday here. The four weeks beforehand are called Advent and a really a time of preparation. So it is a massive wave of decorating, cooking and gift buying (while continuing full time with grading and school work). It is all pretty stressful, especially on top of being behind due to the storms. But I don't look down at the pile and just keep going.
There are lots of other good things to live for. If you need to, focus on something good in even smaller intervals, like something next week. Do keep writing in the "Good journal". Read through it to see all of the things that made you smile, if even for a moment. @exuberantBlackberry9105
hi. so, i'm alive. i was so close to attempting last night, but somehow i didn't. i couldn't go to school today and missed out on the english class i was looking forward to since so long. lemme try to respond to you. excuse me for typos as i'm on my phone lying in bed.
i know you have good intentions and are trying to encourage me and help me but sorry its not helping. for you it's just "a few short paragraphs" but for me it's more than what i can take. you dont understand.
"You can tell me that there is no one in your family, no friends and no teachers who could ever help you get better at the moment because there is no one you can trust. You can tell me that there is no help line who would actually help you. You CANNOT tell me that reading a few paragraphs each day is too much for you." i can and i will because it is too much.
"They are supposed to make you feel guilty and uncomfortable. You are strong enough to handle the words." wow i cant believe you want me to feel that way. anf no i am not strong enough. please dont talk to me like that though it hurts so much. i know you're trying to help but it hurts.
no it's okay i understand the confusion, it makes sense. i typed "my father has got be sick." and didn't see it. i meant to say my father has got *me* sick. yes, i have gotten sick too. very very sick.
last morning i woke up sleep deprived but fine otherwise. then in school my throat started feeling dry and hurt. during marchpast practice i started feeling dizzy. by 7th period, i started feeling feverish. came home with a horrible throat pain and dry coughing, headache, fever, and intense leg pain. took fever medicine, because it was 100 something. felt horrible and suicidal and lay in bed, slept a little i guess. tried finding someone to talk to but nothing helpful. skipped dinner because of nausea and had four biscuits.
then i stayed up till 2:45 am because of crisis thoughts. i tried so hard to make myself cry but the youtube videos that always make me cry didn't work last night. the pain was unbearable and i couldn't even cry it out. i had no reason to live, knowing i would miss school today and miss what i was looking forward to. but didn't do anything because i was scared it wouldn't work since i dont have proper rope. so i hurt myself a bit and it kinda helped with the pain in my head then i tired to sleep.
it was hard because i was choughing a lot anf felt like i'd vomit. some stuff came up my throat but i swallowed it in because vomiting is my worst nightmare. but stuff still came up and i had to get out of bed at 4 something in the morning to spit it out. eww the most disgusting thing in the world. and so much stomach pain.
early morning today like 6 something my mother found that i have a fever so she gave me something for it and i went back to sleep. the maid came and worked in my room and i still lay in bed because my mother didn't wake me up. while the maid was still in to house, my parents argued a lot and my father showed his true insanity by saying all kinds of things, all in front of the maid. he is the reason i am sick and now he doesnt evwn have the time to take me to a doctor because he as "work", whatever the helll that is.
how selfish can a person get? he was so sick but never went to a doc until yesterday, after he already got me sick. now he doesn't have to time to take me to a doc. he hasnt even come once to visit me in my room to check in on me. wow wow wow i have the best father anyone could ever have. i want to k!ll that man.
anyway i got out of bed and stuff close to 10 am today though i was awake in bed sweating from the fever coming down and couldnt sleep being so wet and so much noise thanks to my father yelling.
i kinda felt better though and got to chat with my most beloved cups friend after ages and had to assure them that i wont k!ll myself to calm them. they personally need me here and i didnt know that they did. now i gotta live though, someone i love needs me. and i managed to eat some upma that my mother made me and i didn't vomit or anything.
anyway, at around 12:30 pm my mother and i left to go to a doctor. i dunno, it's some kind of infection. to determine weather its a bacterial or viral one, i had to get a blood test done. right now its being treated as bacterial and i have to take so many meds and if it turns out ti be viral, then even more.
yeah so i came home feeling horrible from all that dusty air and terrible weather because of a cyclone in the other side of the country. it's affecting the weather here too. and i hate it. anyway, i showered and tried to sleep though i could feel a fever coming. was too tired to go to call my mother in her room and my voice was quite gone. so yeah i felt cold and tried to sleep. and hour later she came and gave me fever medicine.
rest of my day has just been something... sleeping, laying in bed, chatting, something something. havent got out of bed though and i cant drink water because of my throat. no lunch either, but like six biscuits in the evening.
by the way my blood test report came back and the doctor has asked for it to be sent to her via whatsapp but when my mother sent it she asked for a picture of the hard copy, not a pdf of the soft copy. and my mother couldnt leave sick me alone at home to collect the hard copy from the hospital. so she called my father and he didnt pick up. when he came home they had a huge argument. like *huge*. he eventually went to collect it though.
and my report is not normal. first of all, the doctor gave me one more medicine to take, which means it's viral. plus, my haemoglobin, wbc and 2 other things arr too low. and some other thing is higher than normal range, i dunno what but my mother told me. apparantly it's all because i'm not eating well enough, is what my mother says. like i eat everything she gives me but she says that's not enough anymore and i need yo eat better, like more protein. yeah right i dont drink milk and i hate dal and fish and whatever but what does that have to do with this? anyway yeah, my report is baf and i'm not at all well.
it's 10:20 pm. i have to gargle and stuff and maybe after that i'll try to clean up the mess in my room and go to sleep. i dunno if thats will really happen but yeah. will miss school tomorrow too and i'll respond to your other message if i can.
I am very glad that you held yourself back from doing anything bad.
I actually do understand. I know exactly how painful that stuff can be to read. You need to remember that I suffer from the same things that you do. Reading things like that used to be very painful for me too. I did it anyway. This is actually why I will continue to be so insistent. Reading words like that can save your life. Your life is very worth saving. Sometimes we have to put ourselves through a bit of extra pain and hard work to feel less overwhelmed and more hopeful for the future. It is why I do therapy and take medication. It it painful sometimes? Yes, but I know that I day or two later I will feel better. You are strong enough to do this. How about trying it once a week to start? Don't let your brain establish blockers that don't need to be there.
That other Cups friend isn't the only one who needs you. I need you too.
So sorry that you got sick. It can be really rough. I always felt like getting sick while depressed was just a bit like a double dose, but all I could do was lie there until the physical symptoms began to improve. It was pretty frustrating. I have a feeling that your dad hates doctors and he will use any excuse to keep himself or you from being able to go. But, yes he was being quite self absorbed in not taking you. I am glad that you finally got to see the doctor and start on some medications to improve things.
The possibility of you not eating well with the depression is high. Eating more protein will actually help you feel better emotionally so it is worth paying attention to. But of course not milk, dal or fish. There are other options. What about spinach, nuts, chicken, or any kind of beans that aren't dal?
@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 this is the sickest i have ever been in years. i feel so very horrible, like the horriblest of horribles. i don't even know what to say. and till yesterday my mother was being good to me. but not anymore. she's screaming at me so much right from the minute she woke me up. being so harsh with me when i'm so sick. i tried talking to her about it she started her "oh yeah, only you and your father can be in pain, i cant." drama. i'm so fed up of this. i understand she's in pain but what kind of excuse is that to keep and keep on screaming? yeah, she has fallen sick too and i know it's really hard but why does she have to be this horrible to me? for your information, i'm not deaf. i have fully functioning ears. i dont need yelling and loud talking to hear you. i can very well hear if you talk to me softly.
now i'm out here dealing with some pretty intense suicidal thoughts again. like my whole life is a mess and i'm tired of this, i'm so gross too. and i can easily get up now and do something because i'm able to get up today unlike yesterday that it was physically impossible for me to get out of bed. but yeah, i know i cant leave the planet just yet. so i'll just sit with the thoughts.
i pulled my eyebrows a lot last morning and eyelashes a lot just now. yeah not good but it feels good. now i dunno how long they will take to grow though.
so the basic difference between you and me is that you can make yourself do things anyway even when it's hard. and you're willing to work really hard. that's not the same with me. i'm lazy.
why do you say you need me? please tell me why. like how am i helping you that you need me?
yeah, being sick really sucks. i hate this. i hate this so much. and it's all his fault that i'm sick. well, i dont know if he hates doctors or whatever, but every time that me or my mother told him to see one, he just said that doctors always give antibiotics for "just a cold" and how antibiotics seem to makr things go away quickly but actually cause more pain to the body. okay, i understand he doesn't want to take antibiotics but ultimately he does need to, if this is an infection. it won't just magically go away, will it? cant he just endure a little more pain to keep his child and wife healthy? no. it doesnt matter to him. how selfish can a person be?
my father almost never takes anyone to a doctor. i know it all too well. whenever my mother is unwell, he never cares to take her to one. even if she's badly injured, nothing. when i was in 7th grade, my mother once fell badly and got really hurt and couldn't walk properly but he never took her to a doctor. that's just how he is. generally he still takes me sometimes but not this time. he has work. look, he was on a trip for 10 days where he just had fun for 9 and had a meeting on 1. after coming home, he spent 5 days in bed from his sickness. so many days wasted not working. all of this year he hasn't taken up any new contracts. he's wasting so much time. but when it comes to taking me to a doctor, he has "work".
"The possibility of you not eating well with the depression is high." how come? i always try to finish the food i'm given. okay, so you ask about "spinach, nuts, chicken, or any kind of beans that aren't dal". yeah, except chicken i have all the others when my mother gives me those. she doesn't make spinach often because it's a lot of work, but when she does make it, i have it of course. nuts, yeah, whenever she gives me. and yeah beans like rajma, chole, etc etc i like those as alternatives for dal but my mother doesn't make them often. basically i eat everything she gives me, weather i like it or not. i have just a few things that i don't eat, and that too is only because they irritate my mouth/throat (for example, pineaple). the few things that dont irritate my mouth as such but i still dont eat them are fish and milk because i hate them a bit too much. but otherwise i'm not like most kinds my age who are very selective about what they eat.
fun fact: i havent seen my father since monday at 7 am before i left for school. only ever heard him yell since then, not seen him once. because i'm sick and laying in my bed, my mother has been bringing me my food and meds in my room, and my bathroom is in my room so i dont need to leave my room. my father doesn't care to come see me even once in my room. wow what a lovely caring father.
anyway, lemme reply to your other message that i havent replied to yet.
you absolutely can complain about it, even if it's just about you getting unlucky this year. i know how frustrating it gets. hmm i think depending on how you define "a perfect birthday", i think many people do have a perfect birthday... but yeah, let it be.
oh my god i never knew christmas was that big of a celebration. like honestly i don't really know how christians in india celebrate it. no offense but as far as i know, all that us non-christians do is santa claus, lol. so in families where parents want to to it, they just give their kinds some presents and say it's from santa claus. and people who have christmas trees in their homes might decorate it on like the day before christmas as an invitation for santa, or some people buy tiny plastic christmas trees. plus, all of this is a very new trend in urban areas as slowly spreading into the rural areas. and yeah, little kids do various christmasy activities in school like origami christmas trees and whatnot, but yeah. it's mostly just a little kid's thing here.
wow it really sounds like a very important celebration for you, clearly not a little kids' festival. so how're you supposed to manage grading and so much? when does your winter break start? good luck with all the preparations and decorating while also managing schoolwork.
yeah lol, havent written good moments in an entire week. honestly not sure what to write in it if i spend all my day in bed. but yeah, i'll see what i can do. i hope i can come up with some excuse to sit in bed with the laptop today so i can use cups more easily, help around a bit, watch youtube and listen to music to make me feel better you know. i wanna do my cups work becuse it helps my mood so much but i need the laptop for it.