im standing with the enemy

I have no idea how to start this. So im a teen, a girl, an older sister, oldest child, latina. What else? Oh yeah, i have an eating disorder and OCD. Well BDD to be more specific. I hate the way i look. You don't get it, i HATE everything about the way i physically look like. I've lost so much weight in the past ten months. My mom even threaten me to be force fed in the hospital if i didn't eat a proper meal this weekend. My parent's dont know about this. Neither do my friends. I can spend up to 2 hours in the mirror looking at myself. I cry myself to sleep at nights when people can't see me. My parents raised me not to show weakness. My friends think am a strong,independent person who's going to be a CEO. I just wanna cry and tell them to hold me. I have routines that i HAVE to follow every night. If i don't do them i beat myself up for skipping them. They have to be done on time too. My meals are eaten off of a small plate every meal. I yell at myself for getting a bite or two extra. I said was teen latina . I Medium length black hair,brown eyes, carmel tan skin. Im supposed to be haveing my 15 this summer. Im so scared to go through with this party. I have to wear a dress and show my arms and whatnot. Its a terrifing idea but i know i can get a lot of birthday money. I haven't gotten any proper assistance to my problem but i plan to pay for it myself. I kinda have to though, my family would think i am a freak if i told them. I've heard them talk about my cousin ,who goes to therapy. I know this is supposed to be our story but im kinda living mine right now. I wanna go to therapy but im scared to get meds. I wanna get help but im afraid that their going to undo everything i worked for. I want to eat a meal without regret but i don't want to feel like a pregnant woman. I want to go through a normal day without worrying about whats next on my mental schedule. I need a normal life but i don't remember what that feels like.