Transgenders and Transphobia
Earlier today I came across a video on transgenders in which they spoke about they experiences in various aspects of life. The one that stood out to me was that of dating life. It was mentioned that if a person is not willing to consider a transgender person as a potential relationship partner, solely because they are transgender then that person is transphobic. After some researches I realised that there is a great divide when it comes to this particular arguement. There are those who disagree with it stating that having a sexual preference is not a show of phobia however they are those who also agree with the statement. Now I’m hoping others are willing to share their views on this, it would also help me personally realise if I am being transphobic without even knowing it.
@TheLostGuy9889 I would say this depends on context and what people really mean when they say they're not attracted to transgender people. On the surface, I would say it's not inherently transphobic. We can imagine a scenario where there is a lesbian woman who feels repulsed at male genitals, she may prefer not to date/be intimate with a trans woman. However, then this question comes, if the trans woman has had bottom surgery, and a lesbian woman denies her just for finding out she's trans... is that now transphobic? I would say yes. The issue with this is, it makes it seem like not only do trans people have to out themselves, but also what changes they've made to their bodies, which you can imagine is not a good thing and opens the person up to discrimination and really just takes away their privacy. It also depends on how you handle it, and if you're making blanket statements. Simply on the surface stating you don't date transgender people seems to me a bit transphobic, but going case by case and learning of your attractions to each person you meet, that doesn't seem transphobic because anyone is allowed to have preferences. Telling someone you don't like them because they're transgender and being rude about it, that's transphobic. But having an honest conversation about your attractions and why you think it wouldn't work out, that's probably not. A lot of relationships end when one partner comes out as trans and wants to begin transitioning, because their partner isn't attracted to that gender, not because they're trans (unless, it specifically is because they're trans, which is probably transphobic). But, a lot of relationships do stay together when one partner transitions, even when the other partner didn't think they were attracted to the other gender, so that's why I think it's more important to take it situation by situation. It's important for both people in a relationship, or even in just a hookup, to feel comfortable. There really isn't a clear cut answer you could apply to all situations, but essentially if you're not outing someone, being a jerk, or making wide-sweeping assumptions/statements, you're probably okay.
As a little side note, one small thing you can do to be a supportive ally is to change your vocabulary :) for example, "transgenders" is often seen as offensive (and just grammatically incorrect), but when you write "transgender people", that was a good way to say it!
I see. Let’s have a scenario where Person A finds out Person B is a post op transgender. These are two people who had been hitting it off and there was clear sign that both were romantically interested in the other. Would it be transphobic for A to then not want or be interested intimately/romantically in B, because they no longer feel comfortable to have such relations with B, not due to any outward input but solely because it doesn’t sit well within A. They break things off and explain this, there’s no negativity shown or any bad blood as B is understanding of A’s feelings. Thank you for the correction I had no idea of it being offensive and I apologise for my ignorance. Do you know how I can change it?
@TheLostGuy9889 hmm I would say that person A may be dealing with internalized transphobia in this case, because if there were no external issues, and they had been getting on great, but just learning that person B is transgender made them want to break it off: what is this "didn't sit well" feeling? To me, that may be transphobia, as in, not viewing person B as their gender and thinking of them as "other", just because they were not born that way, even though in every regard (physically and mentally) they are that gender. I think person A handled it alright, but might have some thinking to do about what that inner feeling they had was, and why if everything was going great, would that little detail make them want to end things. Having these feelings doesn't make someone a bad person, even a trans person can have internalized transphobia, but what's important is learning about why you have those feelings and what they really mean, and how you can change them.
In terms of language, I find this a pretty good resource :) if you scroll down to where it has a little chart called "terms to avoid", you might find that helpful!
@TheLostGuy9889 i hadnt thought of this before... very interesting
This is the issue for many. I'm 32 mtf and to be honest for me I would be considered a freak. I am open to everything sexually except females one on one. I am having a difficult time with understanding what to do myself. I love men and I love what would be considered straight men. Many gay men don't like trans women. I see that many who would be considered straight love trans women but we are hidden because of the way we are viewed. I was lucky to have someone who didn't seem to care but now I question if he really did care about it now that he left me. I began not telling men because I didn't get to just be accepted. It's difficult to choose when a man you really seem to like can't accept that your trans. Mamy hide it so our personally can be seen first. It still is frustrating many believe it's wrong I'm still on the fence about it. Unless your trans it's extremely difficult to understand the struggle. I met a man on a chatline and I enjoyed talking to him I don't hear from him anymore and it's a feeling like your dying inside rejection is hard to overcome. I don't think it's transphobic I think it's a choice. Now when it comes to sexual things I have experienced many men don't care. They care about anyone finding out not about being sexual behind closed doors. I guess it's your choice to accept that for what it is or find someone who will love you for you. I can tell you from my experience it's difficult to do. I'm not saying it will be for you just bear in mind many "straight" people have it much easier. If you know you're trans know that the type alone gives the description of a difficult life. Stay true to who you are if you don't it will destroy you inside . I'm trying to change that mindset as well as my qlife. If you live in an accepting area look for others who are willing to help.