Transgender in Russia: I'm begging for help. I ruined my health by thinking.

• Right now I'm scared, I'm lost, don't know what to do, I don't have anyone to ask for help.

  Hello, I am a Male to Female transgender, zoomer in my 20s in a very difficult life situation. And I don’t see a way out (I need an outside perspective). I’m looking for advice on how to find a path forward.
  

• Brief version: I live in Russia (and I am also part of a minority indigenous group), where LGBT communities are considered extremism. I wanted to transition since I was 15 (I’m around 24 now). Before COVID, I went through a medical commission for my MtF transition when it was still allowed. They told me I was too young and not ready for it. They said I should return in about 8 months, whenever they were available, and then they would approve it if I came. Back then, I didn’t want to transition in Russia due to widespread transphobia, lack of money, support, and other limitations. I wanted to emigrate.

• A few years later, I started feeling like it was too late (I was in my early 20s) and that I might never manage to both emigrate and transition as I once dreamed. The intense stress began taking a serious toll on my health. Symptoms started showing up: my eyesight worsened, I started seeing double, my hair began to fall out, and I developed gastritis. I continue to experience new health issues, like my uvula became non-functional, seborrheic dermatitis appeared, my nails grew oddly and are brittle, even my pronunciation has noticeably worsened (that’s insane!) - I stumble over words, words break off during conversation, it’s difficult to pronounce sentences.

• The worst part is the heart issues. So, I was born with a heart defect and AFTER the stress now I can barely manage anything physically. Even carrying groceries for more than 8 minutes makes me feel faint. A cardiologist told me I need urgent surgery in another city (it was over a year ago), but I can’t afford it. I’ve gone through more than ten jobs lately, never lasting even a few days because I physically can’t handle work because of my heart problems. It’s a vicious cycle: I need money for treatment, but to work, I need to be healthy.

• Whenever I come across posts of transgender girls showing their transition results, like on Reddit, I feel an intense frustration—they look beautiful and achieved their transition, while I couldn’t. I feel a mix of envy and sadness because I can’t be like them.

Even if I recover my health, there’s still the issue that is more important - my gender transition. I don’t have connections with people who could help, I don’t have money for relocation, and I don’t know how to live this life.

Q:

• “What do you want from us?” - I’m in a tough situation and can’t see a way out (I need an outside perspective). I need someone to help me find a way forward.

Feel free to ask me questions.

P.S. I'm really nervous. This is my first post. Sorry, if the text turned out a bit jumbled or if I selected the wrong topic. I've read the guidelines, so I hope everything is ok.