Living With a Bigot
I want to start by saying that my Mom is amazing and very supportive and not at all the problem here. It's her husband.
I moved in with the two of them about a year and a half ago, due to a previous bad living situation (and just missing seeing her every day). And things were alright at first, but the longer I've been here the less tolerance I've had for him. He constantly uses my deadname and old pronouns and is just generally subtly queerphobic. He is the type of person who does not listen to you if he doesn't agree with you and will try to guilt-trip you if you upset him, I don't believe communication would do anything here.
There are other issues I've had but these are the most prominent, and it's gotten to the point where I can't even look at him without getting annoyed. I'm tired of being angry all the time and it's only getting worse. Does anyone have any advice? (Besides moving out and my mom leaving him, neither are going to happen for different reasons.) Happy to provide more information if anyone needs it.
@CosmicDolphin You might consider that he probably forms his opinions from his “tribe.” Accepting you for you would mean he’d have to break with his tribe. So in that way he is just a human whose behavior is influenced. You also belong to a “tribe.” So in those ways you are both just humans who have external influences. That may be one way to “forgive” his behavior - and by forgive I just mean you try to disentangle from him. He is taking up space in your head, and fighting that keeps him in your head more. Not that this is easy.
At an individual level (ignoring the influence of the tribe) he has some behaviors that I know are maddening. He is not treating you well and it’s not like you can change his mind with a direct confrontation. He doesn’t know you, doesn’t seem to want to know you, may be incapable of knowing you. That kind of makes him a poorer human being. I assume the following. He is actually suffering. His ideas are angry. His ego is fragile.
One of the things I learned was that we get angry when someone else breaks a social contract. In this case his ideas seem to be somewhat antisocial - I mean, isn’t that what a bigot is, someone who acts in a way that we see as not quite right socially? So if you put aside the ideas of “my side is right and his side is wrong,” and realize that you’re angry with him because he breaks the social contract it might at least remove some of the psychological sting. You’re mind stops arguing the culture wars with the situation and recognizes your suffering (your anger) is due to the break in social contract.
What I am suggesting isn’t likely to give you a perfect force field. Continued interactions with him are going to irritate your nerves again. But while you have to be in that environment an imperfect defense is better than none at all.
Also, I suspect his behavior is somewhat driven by bullying. Bullies get bored when there is no reaction. So letting his stupidity bounce off your force field might make him tone down a bit.
@CosmicDolphin Here is an article on some of what I mentioned. It might say it better than I did or provide more context.
https://elemental.medium.com/why-unfairness-makes-you-rage-d7f684ae3de
