Difficulty Accepting Myself

I have been meaning to make a post on here for a while because I have been really struggling with accepting who I am as a gay man. I am 20 years old and have yet to figure out what I really want out of this life. To give a little bit of background, I grew up in a household with very strict parents who don’t necessarily tolerate anyone being different. As a kid, I was very sensitive and every time I would act feminine I would usually get criticized by my older brother and my parents disapproved of this as well. As the years went by, I was conditioned to believe that any form of feminine self-expression was wrong, because I am a boy and boys are only supposed to act manly. I kept this lie going for years that I was not gay, and I think that I have hid it so well that no one even suspects it. I think my parents think that I have somehow changed or grown out of a “phase” because I no longer act girly like I used to as a kid. But the truth is, I haven’t changed. I think my whole life I was in denial that I was gay and bottled up these feelings so much to the point that I thought that I truly changed into a heterosexual male. But now I realized who I truly am and who I am truly attracted to. Now each day is unbearable because I feel compelled to tell people that I am gay but I don’t exactly have a supportive group to turn to. I have a hard time keeping friendships because every time I meet people I feel like I have to put on my “straight act”. There’s no shame in being gay at all, in fact I am jealous of those who are able to freely and confidently express who they really are because I am so afraid of doing that since I don’t have the loving supportive community around me to come out. But every day is so difficult keeping my secret, so much so to the point where I lose sleep every night thinking about the future. But I’m not sure how old friends and family members would react if I did come out. I’m afraid that they’ll feel disappointed or even betrayed that I never told them the truth. I have no friends and am so lonely because I don’t exactly fit in well with my heterosexual friends and I don’t fit in with fellow gay men either, so I am somewhere in between where it is just me by myself. It has made me grow to be more and more comfortable with myself, however. But I also dream of having a wife and kids but I’m afraid that this dream will never happen because once I come out as gay, I can never go back. I want so badly to love myself and feel more confident but I don’t know where to start. Any advice from anyone to help me turn my life around would be more than appreciated.