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All The Time I Wasted

October 10th

I lived most of my life as a bisexual person. I don't know where the obligation to pretend I was attracted to men came from yet. Societal pressures? My family? Either way, I ended up in a lot of dangerous and abusive situations because of this stupid obligation. I wasted so many years on the worst kinds of men. I look back on the years now, knowing that I never was attracted to them to begin with, and I'm just filled with shame and deeper regrets. 

All those years, and what did I get out of it? Trust issues. Trauma. Fear. Paranoia. How do I even start this new life for myself when I feel it's too late? 

I want to find a partner so badly. I want to find community in people who understand. Who wants someone with this kind of baggage? 

The men I wasted time with made sure I knew no one wanted me. I can't see any other reality. 

2
Aayla October 10th
@thelindzchronicles I'm so sorry you went through this. There's so much social conditioning about sexuality and relationships that experiences like yours are sadly common. That also means, though, that you are not alone in it and that you don't have to blame yourself for what you went through. The kind of pressure we experience around sexuality can mess up even the strongest people. You did the best you could, and now you've finally come to know and embrace your true self. There is nothing wrong with you, the blame is entirely on the people who abused you and made you feel so worthless and loveless. They don't have the power to dictate how the rest of your life will go.
If you're struggling to come to terms with all of this, you may consider getting all the support you can, including professional one if you feel like your experiences have left you with a deep trauma. And I'm sure the lesbian community will welcome you with open arms, considering how your experience is relatable for many of them. Take your time. Healing and truly accepting that you are worthy of so much more is a long process, but you're on the right path. Don't give up, no one has the right to take away your self love or your ability to be loved by others.
Apeatrice October 11th

@thelindzchronicles

Dropping in to give you a hug (if that is acceptable)

Sounds like you have been through a lot. Thank you for being so brave and strong.

I hope you get all the support and the love you deserves.


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