How can I trust anyone, how can I live? 🌿

My genitalia was mutilated without my consent. I was told to stop talking about it and I would forget, early on I tried to traumatize myself in other ways to try and forget the injustice done to me, I forgot at times but the physical effects of psychological trauma stayed. I remember trying to seek help from my parents some years back and they have expressed anger and resentment towards me, claiming it was a source of trauma for them too and I should keep quiet. I believe there are no records of what was done to me, I believe it has been tried to be covered up, I have been continuously lied to. I have had chronic health issues I believe are due to what was done to me to make my genitalia fit into what is “acceptable within our society”. I do not trust anyone to tell me the truth or help me. I have been in therapy my whole life and I have not found peace from what was done to me. I feel distraught and terrified on a daily basis. I feel my pain and my rage is not valid because it is what has been shown to me by others who do not understand why I can not just “get over it”, I have been gaslit on this topic when I have tried to get help from my family, I believe the doctors lied to them “just extra skin removal” but I still remember the pain, I never forgot the pain. Due to this I feel I have been like a door mat my entire life, I feel I am not allowed to have boundaries or a sense of self, I feel people will always take from me. I want to isolate, I feel I have been disrespected and it is impossible to get justice, I feel I was left in the dark to fend for myself and other people will only ever cause me pain. I regret living. I do not know how to live well with this, I feel like screaming constantly, I feel no one understands my rage, I feel lost, I feel lonely. How do I quiet my rage so I can live a functional life? I am 28 and I feel I have never known peace.

I am glad to finally have a safe space to let this out. It is a deep source of pain for me. I feel the binary standards our world has picked to obsess over harms people and prevents people like me from receiving help because “I should be grateful” or “it was so I could live a normal life”

I feel people only mean me harm, I feel people will continue to harm me either “out of curiosity” or because of their fear of “differences”

it breaks my heart, I loose faith in this world, it is painful to feel and think and live. I do not feel I deserve to be what I want or feel what I want, I do not feel like my life is mine, I crave to recover from the mutilation and disrespect I endured, I am exhausted from living in fear and loathing.