Coming to terms

@hiimcaitlin Hey there, I can definitely relate to being confused over the years about what kind of people I’m interested in, and have come down to just looking at it on an individual basis. I’m a guy and typically date men, but gay doesn’t always feel exactly right for me. Personally, I most prefer for myself the “queer” umbrella term for my sexuality, because I feel like it is the best way to describe my interest in different people of various identities without necessarily categorizing it. That being said, there’s nothing stopping me from identifying with pansexuality, and sometimes have referred to myself as gay, but overall like queer because I think it encapsulates me the best. My dating just really depends on how I feel with someone on an individual basis. I think one of the biggest things for me is whether the person I’m seeing is also queer identifying in some aspect, because that often offers some relatable middle ground and I feel less gender expectations than I typically encounter in straight relationships, especially since I’m a transman.

You mentioned you’re concerned about physical intimacy issues. If you are questioning in asexuality, it is perfectly ok to treat it openly. Perhaps you’re asexual leaning, (I relate to this) or physical intimacy is something you might be open to on an individual basis. Asexual can mean different things to different people, and labels are free to evolve throughout your life. That being said, if you’re finding yourself more interested in women and having concerns about your identity around physical intimacy with other people, it may be something to consider in what you’d like long-term. Is physical intimacy something that you personally are wanting, and picture yourself enjoying? Where does it fit into a relationship, or how does that change your experience with a partner for you? If you feel like physical intimacy is not essential for the type of relationship you want and wouldn’t benefit you, that would be worth thinking about. But if you are wanting and hoping to have that kind of intimacy, and are picturing that as something you could have with women that you were missing with other people, it sounds like something that is important to you and worth exploring. 

Above all, I hope in thinking about this that you’re able to be gentle with yourself, voice your needs, and go your own pace one step at a time. However you identify, don't identity, or change how you identify, you are valid.