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Attraction vs Validation

User Profile: LovingPeacefulHeart
LovingPeacefulHeart August 8th

Dear Ladies,


I’m sure this probably a lifelong and nonlinear discovery. I’m wondering when it comes to men, how can we tell if it’s attraction or validation? Could what I feel might be attraction actually be my subconscious need for male validation? I’m curious what others journeys are with this question!

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User Profile: Aayla
Aayla August 9th
@LovingPeacefulHeart you're raising a very interesting question! It's true that, as women, we are raised in a patriarchal world and consciously or not we are brought up to seek validation from men. Deconstructing this need is important for everyone, including striahgt women, because relationships (romantic, sexual or both) can't be based on validation seeking, or else the relationship might end up being unhealthy and unbalanced. 

Personally, as a bi women, I found my attraction for men to be real, but my journey of deconstruction of social norms (and I have to thank intersectional feminism for that) helped me get a better understanding of gender norms and questioning why we act the way we do in certain situations and around certain people. The more I analyzed and deconstructed gender roles, the more aware I became of relationship dynamics, including the attraction / validation question you're asking.
For me, it turns out I am actually attracted to people of any gender, but I realized there were time where I indeed was subconsciously seeking for validation - telling what is what becaomes easier with time and awareness.
Everyone's journey is different, of course. Good luck on your own!
1 reply
User Profile: LovingPeacefulHeart
LovingPeacefulHeart OP August 31st

@Aayla thanks for sharing all this! ❤️


I feel like it seems natural for us to seek validation to a to a degree. Aside from patriarchy, it’s super important for children to receive love and validation and approval from their opposite-sex parent more so than the other. So as little girls we seek validation from the important men in our lives (father, stepfather, brother, etc). It’s also crucial for us to be empowered as we develop so as to not need it as much. However if that doesn’t happen we have to do it ourselves - which is probably what the deconstruction you were referring to involves.

What you shared was helpful and inspiring. I’m on my way!

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