Land of confusion… TW, rape

I am not really sure where to start. I was 10 years old when I was repeatedly raped while in the foster care system. It was also during this time that I had my first crush on a boy named Lance. It was such a confusing time n my life because I was dealing with the reasons I got into foster care n addition to processing what had happened to me and why I had a crush on a boy.

In my teen years I was never interested in the dating scene or even have an interest in sex, I would rather be alone. Girls I liked never saw me as more than a friend, but I had gotten a lot of interest from gay men and even had one guy offer me $100 if I would dance nude for him in his hotel room.

Over the years the feelings about my sexuality had never gone away. One time when I had not been dating anyone for years, my sister in law asked me if I was gay at the dinner table at thanksgiving, of course I denied it, especially when you consider that my family was about as redneck and racist as they come.

i am also neurodivergent and on the spectrum.

I give you all of that context to bring you to the present day. I have been married for 26 years now. 4 years ago I nearly ended my life and started in therapy. By doing all of the hard work in therapy I am now seeing myself differently. I see myself as identifying closely to being pansexual as I need to have a solid connection with someone before it can be a romantic relationship. These days I tend to think more about men sexually than women, but it is just that… thought.

with all of that said, I am not happy in my marriage and am working on an exit strategy.

I am so lost, and stuck, and confused, and frustrated, and alone. I write this not necessarily asking for feedback, although I would greatly appreciate it. I would also appreciate any validation if your story is somewhat similar.

thanks for your time reading this.