Curious mind

feeling lost and confused. I’m a male in my late 30s that’s only ever been with women. For years I’ve had this major curiosity of experimenting and bottoming with a guy. Awhile back I let a girl peg me to see if that curved my curiosity any. After feeling embarrassed by her reaction during the act it drove me from letting her experiment with me like this. I’ve thought a few times of trying it again, but finding girls interested in this act is few and far between. And my curiosity in being with another guy still simmers in my mind. Anytime I have “alone” time and think of another guy I feel great, but after the act I end up feeling guilty and worry if I did Do something with another guy it might be something I regret one day. This has been a on again off again battle I’ve had with myself for a few years now. Any in site or help would be greatly appreciated even if it’s just reassurance that I’m not losing my mind feeling like this