Coming Out to a Partner
Hi, I'm new to this site and kind of new to the idea of being asexual. I used to wonder about it, but not seriously, until recently when I got into my first relationship. At this point, I'm pretty sure I'm hetero-romantic asexual, because I do really like my boyfriend in a romantic sense, but anything physical beyond hugging, hand holding, cuddling, etc. makes me really uncomfortable. We haven't been together long and the furthest we've gone is kissing, but when we do, I don't feel anything and will be wondering how long until it can stop. Which has led me back to thinking I'm asexual.
So now I feel like I'm in this dilemma where I feel like I need to talk to him about what I'm thinking and feeling before we get too deep into the relationship, but I have no clue how to do something like that. I really like him, but I'm worried that telling him about these things will be a deal breaker for the relationship.
If anyone has any advice, stories, or even just words of encouragement, it would be much appreciated! I'm really looking forward to meeting and talking with people who are going through or have gone through similar experiences. Thank you!
Hi. Its so tough to talk about
whats really important isnt it
Hi! I haven't been in your situation myself, but I can imagine how hard it is. It's normal to be afraid of losing someone you love, but opening up and talking about things is very important in a relationship, and not being able to do it might affect your relationship and general wellbeing with time. Of course you can take all the time you need before telling him about it, but I believe it's very important to open up about something so relevant.
I suppose a good way to deal with the topic would be not tell him "I'm asexual" straight away, but rather introducing it slowly, telling him about how certain things make you feel, what you want in a relationship and what you don't feel like you need or desire. You can reassure him that it's not something wrong about him - if he doesn't know the reality of asexuality, he might be afraid he's not "attractive enough" for you - you can tell him how much you love and care for him, and how much your relationship means to you. You can encourage him to ask him any question he has about asexuality, because understanding things deeply is the key of coming to terms with them.
Finding a balance in your relationship that meets your needs is not impossible, there are many asexual people who live happy and fulfilling romantic relationships, even with people that aren't asexual. You'll have to talk a lot about this and it might not be easy at first, but I believe that opening up will be a great relief for you.
I wish you the best!
@Aayla Thanks for the advice! I definitely want to ease into the conversation so I can try to gage his reaction to certain things. I'm just also worried about what the overall reaction will be. But I agree that the conversation needs to happen, communication is important and things are only going to get more complicated the longer I put it off.
@bookturtle taking the conversation slowly will be of great help in decrypting his reactions, and leading the conversation in a way that makes him feel comfortable. Of course there are no guarantees of how it will go, al you can do is try to be hopeful and remind yourself that positive outcomes are possible even if your fear is making you think otherwise.
Feel free to take your time, if you need to - it's ok to feel a bit uncomfortable. I'm confident you'll the able to find the right moment!