Dakota Raven coming undone
I feel at this point, things have gotten to the point that I have to journal to record my racing thoughts at the moment before they disappear into mist and then seem surreal. I had a sense of deja vu, and not knowing what has been a dream or actual disconnected events and thoughts.. i seem so detached. I don't know if this is a break, ptsd, dissociation, trauma response or what.. i have reached out for help, but i keep hitting walls. I can be clear enough to communicate it, at the time, but with everything going virtual, it doesn't help the disconnect that follows. How can I follow through if Im not sure of what i said, or if i even said it at all? I wish there was an answer, even if i wouldn't like it. i wish i had the comfort of someone experiencing this, or just someone tangible at all. I said I was going to journal my thoughts to have a record of them, with no thought of the writing or cohesiveness. I am afraid of that vulnerability, and honesty, to be honest. Of being judged, or pitied. But being trapped alone with these thoughts 24/7 can't be worse. I've always loved Alice in Wonderland, but I've found this to be similar as down the rabbit hole, and terrifying. I've taken comfort in, mad people have no thought that they are mad. Because I think about it often, and this is one of the scarier thoughts to me. Being trapped in my own mind, which seems unfamiliar lately. It seems that the times that I've come undone, seem brutally public and in plain sight even if I do feel utterly alone. Watching someone drown. Is how this feels. I'm drowning, and its in plain sight, with no life line to save me. Morbid curiosity, comes to mind. Watching a train wreck. You can't look away. These thoughts make me sad. I believe in God, and I think that there's a reason for this. Putting my faith in man too much. But I've never felt farther from God and man, punished by fear and negative thoughts, which don't come from God, but a darker source, which just creates fear, also not from God. I guess I feel forsaken. I am hoping to get to the root of all this, no matter the stigma.
I've had a few good days, where everything was clearer, but today is starting to get foggy again. It helps to think of it as the ocean. Its not that it's a good day, or a bad day, or that I am good or bad, but I have both aspects of being.... like the ocean. It is beautiful. Relaxing, but it can be dark, deep, and dangerous. Calm on the surface, treacherous underneath, but neither negate its other state of being.
I'm having a hard time remembering and finding words, but I'm not going to stress about it. Just accept it, and treat myself with kindness. I journaled by memory the other day, and I felt much better afterwards. So maybe I will try keeping an extensive journal and see if it helps.
I had a drs appt today to see about a referral to a neurologist. I still am going to group and 1/1 therapy, but I keep being told that this could be a trauma response/ptsd. But I don't feel that I'm getting the kind of help I need. When I have these episodes, I get so scared that I'm losing my mind, having a stroke, and it doesn't help that I can't make sense of reading, words, communication when it happens.
I really think it's a combination of so many things. My son is growing up, the abusive ex left me for someone else, in the middle of health and family problems, left me completely isolated. My agoraphobia has been bad, but it seems there could be many triggers because it seems when I'm in the house now, I get anxious. It's like a suffocating blanket. I was trying to read about healing your trauma, and I think I ended up bringing this on. I had very real flashbacks, and absolute terror. It was like living it again. Then I had a ct scan and they gave me contrast (another trigger) from the reaction. Its in my chart that I can't have it, but they gave it to me for idk what reason, and the next day was the start of these episodes. A few weeks later, and grandma died, and it opened a flood gate of issues, and not resolving them, guilt, grief, and so much more...and even though he was abusive, and started these issues, I miss my ex. Thats crazy. I miss having him here, even tho the majority of my mental issues started or were brought on by being with him. I feel like crying now, honestly. I found an old online journal that was not flattering at all. I can't even read it. The last... 18+ years are a blur, and it feels sad and frantic trying to make sense of it. I just wanted to update this a bit, but I need to stop right now. I'm feeling overwhelmed and emotional and I don't want to bring on another episode. Till next time, friend (Dakota)
