Feeling Indifferent

I wanna first off say, that I didn't have a "bland" or "boring" childhood - being in a military family, we've moved a lot and visited and lived in several different countries.

I hate calling myself "fortunate", "privilaged" or "lucky" - because I find the class based economic struggle to be a hellscape where we all pretend that everything is fair when in reality, the standard for living for the middle class still feels like crap - despite being "well-off".

Over the last couple years, I've had to more or less accept my place in all that. I feel guilty whenever the family is able to afford to have a feast or any big meal - because I know there are people who can't.

Why should I pretend that the reason we're "well-off" is because of luck, when the reality is just as ugly as believing its "luck".

On top of all that, I also had to deal with my own identity - figuring out who I was. Going through a crisis, and now watching good people pass away from cancer or covid this year - while it is tragic, it just feels like part of another link in an ever-growing chain of grief.
I've had difficulty showing any other emotion than apathetic indifference, while I acknowledge their significance - I don't give it any more thought beyond "Oh, [name] passed away? From what?" and in the back of my mind I feel horrible thinking that but have become physicaly, mentaly and emotionaly incapable of expressing that grief in any "meaningful" way.

Over time, I've developed more of an apathetic view on the world - because positivity has become an afterthought and a short respite from the menial grind.