my daily reflections

lately, its easier for me to think that im just a blob of watever it is in a 2 layered circle: inner and outer environment. both environments r just systems that sometimes work on itself and u just function in it. ofc u have a power to shift patterns and change things. but still, its all natural. emotions r natural, trauma, coping mechanisms, all the things u hate urself for r natural. thats just common humanity. and learning things slowly is also just a part of ur humanness. so i wanna be gentle w that blob. its the only thing i have really. im so quick to feeling shame when things go wrong despite everything that actually lead to certain situations. i always punish myself first. i keep reminding myself that i shouldn’t relax too much. anything can go wrong so don’t trust too much, dont hope, don’t let it get to you. and i used to hate myself when i was 13, 14, 15. a child. i didnt realise i was one. and mb in 20 years ill look back at myself now and feel the same way i felt when i noticed how small i was for all that self criticism and harshness 

took me a long while to realise that my attention seeking tendencies arent always bad. i always perceive it as me wanting a certain treatment, or like me performing to get attention. but maybe im not performing, maybe im just expressing myself that way, or connecting to ppl by wanting validation. i do have a habit of performing to fit in the standards tho, we all do to some extent. but i dont wanna feel that way anymore. tbh that’s just exhausting and not rewarding, nobody cares about u that much