Right now

This might be hard to read because my thoughts are disorganized so this'll be messy and disjointed. I'm really depressed. Genuinely. This isn't a oh I need something to make me stand out thing, I'm so serious, I'm not joking at all. I turned 18 a little while back, and I know it's supposed to be depressing. I also know I should have and be able to do things that I can't and don't have. I can't work, I can't get my permit or license for driving, I can't apply for college, all because of a stupid social security card that the government taking so long to get to me. I'm overly anxious all of the time for no discernable reason, I'm always thinking about money even though I live with my dad, I'm still in high school, I have no bills to pay. How much can I spend right now? How much would this cost? What's the total if I buy this for my brother? For my friend? For my dad? And I've got nothing. I'm a partial insomniac, I get very little to no sleep every day, I'm also bipolar, and I never learned how to make proper connections because I'm my formative years, I was never shown how.

What was supposed to be my example of love and relationships, ie, my parents, fought all the time, it was a very one sided love, I watched my mom use my dad with no remorse again and again and again, no matter how many times she left him or divorced him, he let her come back because he loved her that much. I don't know how to properly express my emotions because I don't even know what I'm feeling half the time and I was always taught to just shut up and do what's best for everyone else as the oldest child, I had to set an example, I had to be better, well behaved, polite, always smiling, completely obedient, not a single independent thought, never a problem, or I'd get yelled at, and my dad was too overworked trying to support all of us to fix anything about that.

When I was a toddler, my mothers friends son almost raped me and I was the one who got in to terrible because I must've tempted him. The friends husband would hit me with a paddle if I just said I couldn't eat carrots since I was allergic. I'd get hit if I didn't sleep during nap times. No matter what I said, no one listened so I stopped speaking a word for years, when my mother died, I started speaking again.

I've always had a deep distrust and paranoia towards EVERYONE. I couldn't trust my family growing up, I still can't, but now it's because I never learned how. They adore me and I can't seem to like them back, shouldn't I feel some sort of warmth towards them? They're my family, they're supposed to be people I can rely on. The family side I grew up with was my mother's, very toxic, a lot of mental illness, basically a horrible environment for a child. The family I'm surrounded by now is my dad's. There sweet and loving and would drop everything to help me, but I don't feel anything, no connection, at all. Same with people, the second I form an attachment, it immediately dissolve into nothingness, I trust no one, not a single person, despite having this support network that I can't let myself access because they don't know me, I don't know them, taking their love and adoration, using it, and giving nothing in return, that's just awful, I hate asking anything of them.

And relationships, at first, I just dated out of curiosity, what was all the hype, is holding hands really that fun? Kissing? Not to me, I found that out quickly. I'm demisexual, I can barely feel sexual attraction and it's only with people I'm extremely close to. Problem? I'm not close to anyone. One of my exes cheated on me because I wasn't willing to satisfy him sexually. I'm a horrible partner. I'm emotionally distant, I don't like pda, or physical affection, I didn't care for compliments because I'll doubt the validity of them anyways, I always grow to resent my partner, I text my partner at the time sparsely if at all, and didn't end it until I'm completely fed up and can't handle another single touch. My first boyfriend in high school, he was my first kiss, and I got an eating disorder from it. It was a French kiss, and I didn't know what's wrong with me, but I feel absolutely nothing when missed, it doesn't matter who it is. But, I could taste the phantom feeling of his saliva in the back of my throat for weeks, it got so bad that I was throwing up my meals, avoiding eating all together, would throw up at random times just because something reminded me of it, and only 3 years later, have I had any semblance of recovery.

So I don't really have anything to offer anyone. I can't offer companionship, sexual satisfaction, vulnerability, or stability, nothing. I date anyway to try and feel what I'm supposed to. It never works. I'm trying to be less toxic myself. I'm trying to keep in contact with friends, maintain friendships, but it just feels like I'm going through the motions. Like in bit life, you just press a button and boom, time spent with friend, relationship at 100%. I've tried hard to get out of the cycle of feeling like life is a game where you press a button and things happen, like everything isn't real. I've sort of gotten out of it, it comes back some times. But I'm always awake, always thinking, always here, always unavailable.

I want to help myself, but I just don't have the energy for it. Talking is energy, walking is energy, eating is energy, feeling is energy. I'm not suicidal, I'm just tired. I tried to talk to my dad about it, he's always tried to be there for me in his sort of old fashioned gruff father stereotype kind of way, and I practically begged for therapy, but we can't afford it. In this economy, I should've expected it. With my luck? I should've expected it. I've grown to expect the worst in any situation, I'm not pessimistic though. My view is that humans are things of duality, were constantly hypocrites, we just can't help it since it's our nature, so I prepare for every circumstance, just so I'll never be surprised by the worst humanity has to offer. It's not pessimism because I'm happy to be proven wrong, I constantly HOPE to be wrong. I'm usually not though.

Yesterday, I finally got the energy to clean my room, it became a dumpster fire, not literally, it was just a wreck. I was so proud of it because I'm not a very organized person. My anxiety was supposed to get better. Now I can't sleep because I'm too anxious to keep my eyes closed, too stressed to shut down. It doesn't help that I've developed feelings for this guy. It's too soon for me to say anything. It's been around two to three months of knowing him, he's sweet, funny, goofy, and attractive. He's not my usual type but I actually feel something for him. And because of how I work, I have to plan things out months and years in advance every little realistic detail.

So I've already figured out how I'll tell him I have feelings for him: Hey, so, I have feelings for you, no, this hasn't influenced my behavior towards you, no, this isn't a do or nothing thing, I'm not saying this to make you feel like you either have to be with me or cut off our friendship, and yes, this is completely selfish since I'm only telling you this to get it off my chest, not to get an answer, and no, I don't think you have feelings for me as well, I'm not delusional or nearly so confident as to assume that, and I'm perfectly fine with continuing to be just friends with no hopes of something more, I expect that anyways so don't feel any pressure whatsoever. I don't want to jump into a relationship and I'm sure you don't either.

That's how I'm phrasing it. I'm not in some teen rom com drama, this is real life, so it's really not that big a deal. Either something happens or nothing does and everything stays the same. I feel like this is reasonable and rational. Instead of bottling it up like I do everything and just getting it out of the way so that we can grow past it. I know I probably sound crazy or not okay, I'm not gonna lie, I probably am, I'm just venting and putting this all out so that I can see clearer without anything messing with my judgement.