More venting, just because new stuff is happening and I do feel better getting this all out, and I hate paper diaries and journaling because I don't want people I know finding them. They already think I'm weird and crazy enough. Ok, now, when I was 11, I started to see people my age around me become more interested in romance so I felt like I had to be too even though I literally couldn't have cared less, so I would pick a guy to have a crush on without actually having a crush on him. Why? Because my friends, who I know were awful and unhealthy for me, wouldn't take I don't have one for an answer. I ended up saying I had a crush on this guy, I won't use his actual name, I'll just call him S for ease of writing. Turns out, he liked me, so my friends, being the 'supportive and helpful' people they are, without knowing that he liked me, told him about my crush on him, hoping to embarrass me and use it to make fun of me. Jokes on them, he asked me out, of course it wasn't a real relationship, it was just a dumb little hand holding and candy exchanging cute little kid thing. He 'left' me after about 2 months and spread rumors that I was actually very rude and awful, even though I was only ever nice to him. He would call me curse words in gym and I didn't take that very well so I may have punched him, it was my first time getting in trouble at school so they just sent me to my latest counselor to talk about why I did that. After that, I 'dated' L, G and A, at different times of course because if I learned anything from my mother, it's to be a loyal person to friends, that includes people I have good relationships with. In 6th grade, I hit the worst depression I've ever had in my life, which hasn't been that long but it's been long enough, I was hurting myself, apathetic, my self esteem was below rock bottom, I didn't enjoy anything, and I just felt like a walking drain of resources and emotion. A was super supportive, genuinely liked me, would take away sharp things from me even if I got angry at him, and watched over me carefully if I was using a pencil or pen because yes, I would use those too, I have dozens of scars that are very very faded from them. My dad started noticing when summer hit, because it got so much worse, I wasn't talking to anyone, wouldn't eat unless he forced me to, and would stay in my room and not come out the entire day, and I was a very active kid normally. One day he found one of the things I was using to hurt myself and saw the blood on it and went off on me, yelling and screaming at me, he didn't hit me, he just kept yelling, and I for some reason only cry when he yells at me or I watch something that hits too hard, so I was crying and that made him yell at me even more and actually told me to my face that I'm not depressed, depression isn't real, I'm just crazy. After that, he took away any sharp objects in my room that he could find, refused to let me touch scissors even to actually cut paper, and made me clean the apartment and go outside. We don't talk about this to this day. I got better, but actually not because of the sun and cleaning, it was because I picked up drawing again, and though some of the things I drew and thought of were mostly disturbing and dark, it helped me feel better. 7th grade came and I had become VERY shy, I also have a very very very light and barely noticeable speech impediment that's only noticeable if you're paying close attention, and my dad has been pointing it out to me the entire summer, since I hadn't even noticed it before, so I was even more scared that I'd be made fun of. But I actually worked up courage and made some friends. Not to sound like a pick me, but I've always had a hard time making friends with other girls, it also doesn't help that I live with two males, no females, and the only females I had been around outside of being classmates was my nana and I didn't see her often so I was intimidated. I distinctly remember these two boys kind of acting like big brothers towards me, especially when this one guy was actually like physically hitting on me and I didn't know what to do about it. One of the two big brother types was your typical super tall popular athlete guy and the other was kind of the same except he got detention more. I was grateful to them because they always helped me make more friends and I actually made one of my closest female friends thanks to them, until she turned out to be very very very manipulative and lied to me about EXTREMELY important things. In 8th grade, I missed them, I didn't see them again, so I had to make new friends and I picked poorly that year. Very very very poorly. E and M were two guys I became friends with, we became a close trio of friends but I always knew that I'd never be equal to them as they are to each other since they knew each other longer and I was okay with that, I had other friends that I worked hard to make. Unfortunately, 8th grade was covid, so I was coming from doing a quarter of online learning which I failed because those instructions were the least clear thing possible. What I didn't notice was that E and M were actually very rude to me, and I was influenced by that. We would play online together as well, and I didn't know M had feelings for me, and I have the horrible habit of saying yes when people ask me out because 1, I feel bad saying no, or 2, and this makes me a *** person, I know, curiosity, so I said yes. I drew a very strict line, which is harder for me than you'd think, about physical contact because I have conditions that make me immunocompromised so I didn't want to risk covid, and at first he respected that. Until he started trying to cuddle with me and pull me into his lap and I was not at all having it. He also started making sexist comments about me when we'd all three play online together and I'm not exactly a feminist (I believe in equality yes but I didn't align myself with anything like that, and who cares about that) but I do have standards, and I really blew up at him when he tried to pull my mask down and KISS me. During COVID of all times. And I was 100% not okay with it, so I asked E if we'd still be friends if I left M because I thought of E as a good close friend, he first asked me why I was breaking up with M and then said absolutely we'd still be friends. So I did it and only talked to E, leaving M out of a lot of our time online because I didn't want to deal with him, especially when he made a lot of bitter and anytime comments towards me. Then, freshman year, I stopped talking to E as well because he became a jerk to me and would pinch me, I know that sounds childish but I HATE hate hate getting pinched, maybe I'm just sensitive but I ALWAYS get nasty bruises from it that stay for weeks. I also met W, and I do this thing where I look around a room and pick 3 people I want to be friends with based off a feeling, W was one of them, even though I kept hearing all these weird things about him, I just kept sticking around him and he didn't mind at all, a bit later, he asked me out and the thing happened again, I said yes. It was nice, I actually don't like physical affection much at all unless I actually genuinely like you or you're my dad, I'm very close to my dad and hug him a lot, so I tried my best to compromise on that, I'd let him sit with me in his lap sometimes if I had the energy for it, and even let him kiss me, it was my first kiss and honestly, the worst. I now know that I hate French kissing, so at least it was informative??? I have sensory issues so it made it worse, because it felt like I could still taste and feel his saliva in the back of my throat for WEEKS, I actually would throw up and got an eating disorder because of it. I told myself I was being crazy and that I was fine but my newer friends, who were actually really good people, were noticing and talked to me about it. N, a guy I had recently become friends with, made me realize I needed to leave W because I was literally making myself sick staying with him. So I broke up with W and tried to mentally recover for a bit. Then N asked me out and like a dumb person I said yes. He was very kind and affectionate and giving, he'd buy me chocolates and drinks without me even asking, but again, the physically was I just couldn't do, though I did really try. He'd constantly try to have me in his lap or touch me in some way and I was completely exhausted emotionally and mentally right away, but I still tried. Then he kept trying to share my food. I am the oldest of seven kids, I know how to share, but that's with younger siblings, and he was taking half of my tacos. I love tacos so much that I ate them consistently for lunch for 3 years. It just bothered me. And my eating disorder, while it was getting better, was still there so while I was bothered, I was also grateful that it wasn't going to waste, which confused me. We went into Christmas break and I remember looking at the stuffed animal he'd given me and feeling absolutely nothing. It made me feel horrible, like I was a terrible person for not liking him. What made it worse was that he had told me he loves me, which I was immediately thinking sorry man, no you don't, you haven't even known me for half a year. So somehow, I twisted my thought prices and decided to give the relationship another shot, I told him about my problems with physical touch and affection and he seemed to understand, and it got better, I wasn't being held nearly as much so my energy was slowly coming back. Unfortunately, I'm the middle of the year, I met B, his friend, who he asked to look out for me while he was gone from school for a little bit. I didn't cheat, but I found B genuinely interesting and actually truly wanted to be friends with him. He was openly flirty, funny, sarcastic, and sweet at times, and oh on whatever is holy, mans was hot, exactly the type of guy I'd like, so for the first time in my life, I actually got feelings for someone. I didn't act on them, I just treated him like a friend, and I had all of my friends numbers so I got his, we texted a lot, mainly just memes and a lot of deep conversations. He was really funny, I cannot stress that enough, and I'd catch myself blushing when he say something flirty when I didn't expect it and I'd have to calm down a bit to send a calm response back. N came back to school, and we all three would hang out and I quickly became tired of N's manually and possessiveness, especially around B. I couldn't hang out with B or talk to him without N glaring daggers at us, and it would always be a normal innocent conversation so I was getting annoyed quickly. One day, B invited me to his lunch period to hang out without N and it was a fun, innocent, great time, I hung out with him and some people I'm still friends with to this day. We'd sometimes go away from the group and just talk, us two alone, morning bad, completely innocent. I already said he was flirty, and I found I didn't really mind if he got close to me. Sometimes he'd rest his head on my shoulder because he was tired, he worked and did school and had family issues as well so I completely understood needing a shoulder for a bit. Well, this made me not even notice B's closeness at times and N would get upset and actually try to fight B, which was a bad idea because I'm still sure that B could beat him, he was training to be a marine after all and I'd constantly get between them to stop the fighting, I just genuinely wanted them to get along so that we could all hang out, because I had told him way before about the physical touch problems I had and I now understand that it probably felt awful for him to see me so casually close with someone else when I wouldn't let him most of the time. And when I realized that, I did apologize to him and explain that it really was innocent, I didn't have any ulterior motives about it actually. Because even though I liked B, I'm loyal to a fault, so I'm my mind, I was still genuinely giving my relationship that second try. I did make a mistake though, I'm not perfect, that's for sure. The group at B's lunch, we were playing chicken, no, not the stupid try to get run over kind, the move away or let the other make a move on you kind. One thing about me, I'm INCREDIBLY stubborn and hate losing and being thought of as a chicken, so when one of the group members said I'd be too chicken to let B kiss me, I only registered the word chicken attached to me and was immediately like ***, and true to my stubbornness, I didn't move away, it was a light peck, nothing scandalous, like B was polite about it, and I turned to the others, proud to defend myself from being a chicken as it dawned on me what I had just done because he's, I really really am that oblivious and dense. I then decided to make the immature decision to hide what has happened, anxiously asking everyone there to keep it a secret, they all agreed, even B, though he did become much more flirty after that, he even told me that my lips were very soft and I couldn't respond, didn't know how to, and in my mind I was just thinking, I didn't use chapstick, maybe I should, I was drinking through a straw so maybe that made them soft, I didn't focus on what he said, I just was thinking about why would they be soft like a goofball idiot. On the last day of school, I avoided N entirely, which *** him off, and since I didn't have any finals to take, I slipped those periods to hang out with B and my now best friend Y, the most angelic beautiful woman to exist, yes, anytime I talk about Y, you will here the absolute highest praise from me about her because she's a wonderful human being who deserves nothing but love and the best. I only got to spend one hour with Y before she went home early to go to her part time job, so I spent pretty much the entire day with B. We went walking together to Shipley's and I had a 20 on me, and I used to do this thing, which I know isn't financially smart but that wasn't something I really thought about then, where I'd give all my cash on hand as a tip because I actually wasn't supposed to have physical paper money at that time, so I told the man at the register he could keep the change and B was immediately like wtf, no, don't do that, that's really nice of you but that's a huge tip for a 3 dollar purchase, and explained to me what amount I should tip, which I never learned before because my dad never explained it to me, so I was just like oh, and have the man the proper tip, and then felt bad because we were kind of loud when talking so I felt we caused a disturbance, I have him 5 more dollars and was then dragged out of the store by B (not really, just a figure of speech), and we sat on a bench and ate the donuts and I drank my strawberry milk in peace, it was really nice and relaxing. N then found us and was upset that we went by ourselves to get donuts when I wouldn't go with him whenever he asked, and that wasn't because of the fact that I liked B, that was because I knew N would try to kiss me or more if we were alone walking. I trusted B not to overstep my boundaries and I was comfortable with him. N actually swung at B and that was the last straw of nerves for me so I yelled at N, he then got mad at me because I wasn't getting mad at B as well and I said that's because he isn't even trying to fight you and he's been nothing but nice, I said more in the heat of the moment, I may have called N an idiot and pulled him by the collar away from B, I was really ticked off, they've never seen me like that. Not have, surprisingly, I'm very hard to get mad, I've only ever had a physical altercation with people who are the absolute bottom or they choose the worst day possible to mess with me, but that was mostly in elementary when I didn't have good self control yet. I broke up with N, he asked me if it was because of B and I honestly said no, and explained that my feelings towards N were much more platonic, in fact, they were never romantic, he took it hard, and asked to still be friends and I said alright, but I can't promise to be emotional available to you now and he said that's for the best because he didn't know how to talk to me anymore. A day later, I know this is going to sound awful, but I was never emotionally or physically invested in that relationship so it was extremely easy for me to adjust and move on right away, and B and I were on a call, and I was working up all the courage I could possibly have to tell him I liked him when he actually told me he liked me right before I was going to say it. I know this is probably sounding like some cheesy romcom crap but this is really how it all happened, and no, it was nice but it wasn't nice for long, but I'll get to that. He then asks me, he asks me and doesn't just outright ask me out, which would've made me feel like I had to say yes, if I like him too, and honestly, that made me so happy, that I didn't have to feel forced or anything. I told him my feelings and he then asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, I said yes, then he asked me if I was 100% sure, so I genuinely thought it out again and still said yes. We started dating, and I asked him if he'd be ok with not telling anyone for a bit because of how badly I knew N was hurting, and I don't like causing emotional pain. He agreed and said he mainly doesn't really want to fight N because we both knew he would try to fight B. I was very happy, he was sweet and later on asked me what I didn't like in my old relationships so that he could make sure not to do any of the things I didn't like, and I honestly told him. We had a funny moment about being disgusted with French kissing and I could finally laugh off the horrible experience instead of gag the memory. Then, right before he went off to Marine boot camp, he warned me that he wouldn't be able to respond during training because he wouldn't have access to his phone. I'm very very low maintenance, and only really need to know that you're alive to be fine, so I let him know I'd miss him and to text me when he's out, wishing him the best of luck. 3 months later, still no contact from him, and I was a little worried, but I stayed still, hoping that there was a reason for it even though my paranoia and skepticism said there wasn't and that he probably was ghosting me because he didn't like me anymore. 3 months becomes 6 months and I still haven't gotten any contact with him, so I mentally prepare to move on, though I still thought about him all the time. During that winter, a guy I met when I was 10, he 11, had gotten back into contact with me, and I felt a little attracted to him, he told me he liked me, we started dating, I quickly became disinterested and felt guilty, like I should've been so waiting for B and that because I would still think about B that I was cheating on the current (at that time) boyfriend mentally and emotionally, the guy then said that he'd loved me from the moment he met me 6 years ago, and I remember feeling that extreme disconnect between us, like I just couldn't. I remember asking him what it felt like, he was confused but answered me. It started to get on my nerves how he thought I couldn't do anything wrong, he would always call me his angel and I felt like he was putting me on an unrealistic pedestal, and so I started purposefully being more rude and would tell him things I've done that weren't good girl material just to try and get him to stop thinking I'm perfect, it didn't work and I only got angry. After a bit, he told me he wants to get promise rings, it hadn't even been half a year yet, and he was already thinking of marriage, a house, and kids. I was only 16, no way was I thinking about becoming a mom already. So I did something I'm still not proud of. I ghosted him. He contacted my brother when he saw I wasn't answering him and I had my brother pretend he gave his account to someone else, I then ignored and blocked the guys number, didn't respond to the emails he'd send me, and stayed away from the places we'd meet up at. I felt awful about it, but I really thought that was the best way to go about it, my immature brain didn't want to be uncomfortable and angry anymore. I thought I had sent a clear message about how I felt by doing that even if I knew that want the most responsible or respectful or polite thing to do. A month later, I actually got a message from B, he had gotten a really bad spinal injury during training and was released due to his injury, he then got kicked out of the house by his mother and she has been the one in charge of the phone lines so that's why he couldn't reach me, so he had to find a place to live, he had to stay in a couple places for a while, he had finally gotten a job and then gotten a phone and was then saving up for a car and apartment. I was relieved and felt guilty, because though I literally didn't know if he was alive or not, I did date another guy when we technically hadn't broken up. B asked me if we were still together and I asked do you want to be, he said yes, we stayed together, our relationship got more sexual, we'd technically been together well over a year at that point so I was comfortable with it, he always made sure I felt appreciated and my self esteem got better. I didn't have much experience on a relationship I actually care about and was invested in so I'd ask my female friends about it, they were helpful, and I got over my shyness in that area (mostly, I'm still working on it to this day), and I'd never been more vulnerable and open than I was with him, even though he doesn't know much at all about any of the things I've been through, he does know much more than most, and let me talk when I wanted to, let me share when I felt comfortable enough. We bonded especially over family, because not only did I have f-ed up experiences with family, so did he. And it was really nice to have someone who understands the feelings I have about my mother since he's in a similar situation except she's still alive for him and I think she didn't get around like my mother. At one point, he had to move back in with her because he literally didn't have a place to live, so he paid his part of the rent and bills, took care of the dog and cat and worked. We talked and hung out whenever we could, and on one call, I got to be a witness to an event. He was winding down after a long day, playing call of duty, and called me, and I sat on my bedroom floor, I know the floor is weird but mines carpet and comfy and stays cold when it's hot so it's the best place to sit and lay down most of the time, and we were having a good time when his mother comes into his room without any warning whatsoever and starts screaming at him about him not paying his share of the bills when he literally did, and that the dog made a mess, and he tried to calmly tell her that he did and that he'll clean the dogs mess up, and she just got worse, for context, she's severely bipolar, narcissistic, and also has bpd and is supposed to take meds, heavy antipsychotics, for it and usually just doesn't and she gets violent. The argument got really heated and it was a video call so I saw her almost hit him and he said don't hit me, and tried to calm her down and stay calm, and when she got angry and indignant about it, he asked me if I'd be okay acting as a legal witness right now for his safety through text so that he wouldn't force me, I was actually almost in a panic attack because her getting violent was bringing back really really really bad memories and sensations for me, but I was a bit calmer when I saw that he was respectfully and politely asking for my help, when it's his safety in danger right now, so I texted back yes, and he tells his mother that if she hits him, I am a legal witness right now, and she starts going off about how he's using a girl as a shield and insinuating that I'm just any girl on the street, and then tells about how he's the crazy one for using me and I'm just wide eyed, actually very close to crying because it was bringing back my grandma and my aunt's and some experiences that were honestly awful and unforgettable. She then takes his phone and asks me if I think she's crazy, so I took a second to steady my voice and said from what I've seen and heard so far, yes, yes I do. I couldn't stop my voice from being a bit shaky but I did my best. She eventually got furious and told B to pack his things and move out by tomorrow and left his room. I did my best to be calm and supportive and check on him, asking if he's okay and if he needs anything, he said he's ok, he's been dealing with this since he was born, I felt awful because I didn't really know how else to help him, I couldn't physically be there at that moment and I also didn't know how to deal with mentally ill mothers because mines been dead for so long. He told me that my just being there was more than enough for him and I was glad that I helped at all. We got off the call and I immediately called two of my best friends at that time because I was crying because of the panic attack and didn't want to cause B any more trouble than he already had, one didn't pick up, the other one did, O, and they helped calm me down, kind of just sat there with me on the phone until I felt functional, they told me funny stories until I laughed, and once I could talk again, I partially explained what happened, I left out B's part because that's extremely personal, too personal even for my best friend. I lose contact with B again for a couple months because his mother broke his phone and kicked him out again so he had to find another place to stay and save up for a phone while paying rent again, he ended up staying with this married couple he was friends with and got back in contact with me when he got his new phone, he once again asked if we're still dating, I didn't date anyone during the time he was gone this time, and I said yes unless you don't want to be, he explained to me what happened and told me about the people he's staying with and then asked me if I was okay with the fact that he is staying in the same house as answer female that isn't his family, even if she's taken, and I said absolutely, it's not my decision anyways, besides, I trust you. He got sick a while later and called me, and I've been on the medical pathway for a long time so I was immediately asking for his symptoms and asked to get one of the other people in the house on the phone, I then gave them a list of ready things to do to help him that they probably already have around the house and they have the phone back to him and went around the house to get the things. I was worried, and if I could've been there, I would've. I have issues with sick people not being taken care of because of what happened to my dad multiple times, and it was made ten times worse since it was a guy I genuinely care about. He got better after a bit and at that point, we'd been dating for over two years. He then told me that he loves me and doesn't expect me to say it back and for once, I could say that without lying out feeling guilty and so I did. He waited a long time to tell me that because when I told him the things that happened in previous relationships that I didn't like, one of my biggest issues was the other person being overly attached to me way too early and that I couldn't feel any attachment because of that, so this was a great change of pace. He then asked me if I'd want to move in with him when I graduate, and I said absolutely, he's been saving up for a place for a while, and that point, he was super close to being able to buy it. We have very similar house habits, though they do differ. I genuinely like washing dishes, mainly because I like watching the soap go down the drain, and the smell of soap, I also spontaneously go on cleaning sprees, and he likes to clean as well. I also like organizing, like bookshelves, closets, rooms, I know it's weird but it's calming and aesthetically pleasing. Also, HE CAN COOK. I can't, or, maybe I can, but I only ever learned to make cupcakes, cake, and raw pizza, otherwise, I'm a microwave kind of girl, though I shouldn't be trusted with that either, I've actually broken three microwaves. So I appreciate a man who can cook. And I'd get to see him more often. And my love language is gifts and quality time, I usually make the gifts or see something I know someone close to me will love so I get it for them. Yes, I'm probably broke because of this, do I care? No, the smiles are worth it. And quality time isn't necessarily physical touch included, it can just be talking or listening or just sitting with a person, though I don't mind physical affection from him. Also, I don't exercise, he does, it'll encourage me. And I won't be embarrassed to exercise and try to get in shape because it'll be for my health and happiness. Fast forward to now, I'll be graduating this year, and I hope to move out of here immediately, I do have other options to stay at, my absolute best friend Y has offered, there's college dorms, and 3 other offers for me to stay with them, all female, instead of with B if I decide I don't want to. I genuinely love him, and I'm hoping that we stay like this, but there are several parts of me that think we won't, I'm not at all a romantic, I'm always very skeptical and distrustful, but this is the one thing I want to work out in my life. Sometimes I doubt if what I'm feeling is really love, but even if it isn't, I care more about him than anyone in my life, he's one of the 3 people I'd be griefstricken for if they died, yes, there's only 3 people. Y, my father, and B. Y is supportive of my relationship with B, which has been going on for a long time now, not long in the great span of life but looking enough to count, though I know she'd be ready to defend and protect me and comfort me if something goes wrong. I met her the same year I met B and she could immediately tell that I liked him but she told me she was proud of me for not acting on it even though she wouldn't blame me at all since I was in a relationship that I didn't even care about. She comforted me during one of the few breakdowns I've ever had, a guy took my private sketchbook from me and that was my last straw for that day, and when I could feel I was about to cry, I tapped her shoulder and she immediately hugged me and let me cry in peace against her shoulder, and then proceed to threaten the life out of the guy who took my sketchbook until he gave it back, apologized, and got me ice cream, and then asked me why I was so upset about him taking my sketchbook that I'd cry over it and Y went verbally ballistic on him, I love her platonically for that, ever since then, we've been practically sisters, even if we lose contact, we reconnect like we never stopped talking, she's always kind, supportive, and caring with me and even tells me when something I've done isn't the smartest without being rude. I always feel like I can be really myself with her, when I usually feel stifled and boxed in. She helped me make more female friends, she never made fun of me or anything, if I make fun of myself, she's automatically within the second telling me every quality I didn't even realize I have, and whenever she's feeling low, I completely reciprocate. She works part time jobs to support her mother and little brothers, and I respect the heck out of her for it. Whenever I want to try something new, like makeup or clothes that I'm not sure I look ok in, she's immediately hyping me up or if it doesn't, she tells me honestly and then I'm relieved and I find someone the clothes would look good on and give it to them. She and B are the healthiest relationships I've ever had, friendship and romantically respectively. I was super close with a girl before Y, having known K since 5th grade, and I was always kind and uplifting with her, she didn't have the best self esteem and I felt she deserved to feel appreciated and she was pretty! She just wouldn't accept that she was. I was always buying things and then giving them to her with the excuse that they look better on her, when really, I bought them for her specifically, because that's how I expressed how I felt about people I care about, I bought her ice cream and candy too, I loved spilling her because she deserved it. We were close until last year, when I started not to keep hiding parts of myself. So I tried to be more comfortable with my personality. I'm blunt, polite, fiercely loyal to my friends, and usually a great listener, I'm also very morbid occasionally, I love zombie stuff and horror, I also love comedies and anime, and I can get kind of wild, especially if I'm in forensic science and have access to the fake b