No friends 😂

Friendship..

Something I craved my whole life. Kind of like that desperate teenage feeling where you js wanna experience young love. Kinda like that but to js have a genuine friendship w someone. Since I was little, Ive always wanted to have long lasting friends. I wasn't a complete loner, had friends in between years, trios in gr 5, ''for lifers'' besties in gr 8, and thinking you found that one person that would be by your side till death in highschool. But growing up, I realized that no one rlly does stay. Always fighting for ppl to stay in your life, makes you realize thats its not worth it. Maturing is knowing that people come and they go. The universe places u with people to teach you new things even if they end up disapearing and leaving. Each person is a lesson. Learning and keeping this mindset helped me stay postive about having few real ones around me. But through time, I think about how nice it is knowing others can have someone who will always have their back, defend them, protect them, grow with them, and to have someone you can truly be yourself around and be happy and comfortable. Having a healthy genuine  relationship with someone like this is a dream in this generation. Meeting someone new from different times makes me think im closer and closer to it, to trusting, to believing, to staying. But they js always switch up, theres always a gut feeling somethings gonna go down and then I always end up distancing myself and ghosting bc i dont wanna experience it again. Like this year, grade 10 i started fresh. I was a whole different person. Was to myself, avoided drama, didnt talk to others unless I was talked to, avoided anyone from the past that I didnt want in my life and sticked to a new friend I came close w during last year and through the summer. I saw something different in this one friend. She seemed to match my energy, bring postive into my life, be there for me, and I felt a overall connection and bond. But recently, midway I js get this feeling. The sense of abandonment all over again. The fear of them leaving and getting tried of me. I get this feeling and push away. I barely talk to them to the point where the relationship is truly getting distant. This is a very bad habit. But its the way I am. I should consider talking to those who I feel this feelings towards but I do the opposite. I always mess up *** and end up alone. Anways, I got carried away. If you read this all I appreatiate it. Just wanted to release my mind from all this and let it go. Thanks for listening and hoping im not the only crazy one who goes thru this.