Middle Child Diary Log

Diary log - September 17, 2023

I can't shake this feeling that's been gnawing at me. It's like a constant shadow lurking in the background, questioning the choices I've made and where my life is heading.

Today time seemed to tick painfully slow as I half-assed punch the data into spreadsheets and checked every email that I have to send. Is this what I envisioned for myself? Everything is repetitive.

I can't help but compare myself to others my age who seem to have it all figured out – successful careers, exciting adventures, and meaningful relationships. And here I am, barely scraping by, feeling like I'm just going through the motions.

The worst part is the uncertainty that accompanies my job. I feel like there's no real sense of accomplishment or fulfillment in what I do. I just live from paycheck to paycheck. Paying bills, funding my sibling's education, taking care of our niece, and on top of that, my mom endorses me to our relatives, that I can lend them money?!

I tried to distract myself with some self-help articles during break, searching for answers on how to navigate this crisis. "Follow your passion," they say. But what if I don't even know what that is anymore? It's easier said than done. I have a lot of responsibility and don't have the luxury to follow any of that stuff anymore. I guess this is just a burnout, might just need to read a few manga's on the weekend to recharge.

At the end of the day, I'm left wondering if this is just a phase, maybe the reason why I'm tired with everything is because I'm just being too hard on myself. Maybe I need to give it more time and trust the process.

For now, even though I have moments when I want to surrender to the despair and uncertainty, I push through. I remind myself that someday my sisters will finish their degrees, and I'll find the clarity and purpose I so desperately seek.

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