Journal of Thoughts

I'm a writer, so I've always enjoyed writing out my thoughts and even sharing them online. I feel like it can be very positive and also motivating to others. Words and stories are powerful. And your stories matter too. I'm happy to have found this page within the community. I struggle sometimes to know exactly where to post on sites like this, so this sounds helpful.

My name is Matt( also go by Maddie or Mattie). I live in Florida( go Gators!). I was born with a rare disorder called MPS. Basically I'm missing enzymes which are suppose to help the body. Since I was nine years old( I'm now 29 lol) I've received treatment through infusions which basically creates a fake, artificial version of the enzymes that last a few days then I have to get more treatment. I go every week. It doesn't really bother me. I'm thankful for all the wonderful people it has brought into my life. It just sucks waiting and waiting for an actual cure to be found if possible. There are multiple layers to MPS. I have the most mild version. Some are very severe. Life is for the living. As long as I'm alive I'm going to stay positive and encourage others.  

I love talking to others about deep, personal stuff. I feel like those conversations are very hard to come by nowadays. I like to hear others opinions. I don't always agree with other opinions, yet it's still good to reflect and have an open mind. I don't have all the answers. The ego is a dangerous thing. I struggle to process information sometimes. The words are always on my mind, yet don't always come out as I hope. I've gotten better at dealing with that, but it can be challenging. In the back of my mind when in a conversation I'm always afraid I'll say the wrong thing or the other person won't understand me.  I'm introverted, yet definitely  also have a more extroverted side if you know me well enough.

I'm nonbinary and trans. Like I've always known that about myself, yet have always struggled with how to handle that. I've come a long way and am embracing this beautiful side of myself, yet it can be so difficult to just be yourself around others, especially with how politics is going. I don't care who you are or what you believe. As long as we respect each other we good. I always think about transitioning. Like life as a woman would be so fun, but I also realize the damage that would do to my relationship with my family. I don't blame people if they have a problem with my life choices. I just wish we would respect each others boundaries and happiness. I feel like my creative side is very feminine and that is where I get to be myself. I'm team girl for sure. I love opening up to my female friends. It helps me feel more like myself and equal. I used to be so scared to talk about this, yet now I can't stop lol.

I come from a dysfunctional family. Being an empath it can be very draining. Family should always support each other no matter what. My dad is a narcissistic, alcoholic.  I still live at home with my parents, so I'm constantly around that. People are always telling me to leave or whatever which makes sense, yet it's not that easy. I wish he would admit to his flaws and be a little less annoying. I know it's not my fault and I can't change him. It does add more fuel to my fire at least. I'm not a super emotional person, yet I do have a sensitive side and I'm trying to embrace that more.

Ok. I'll stop here for now. If you read all that thanks so much. Hopefully I add on to my journal later. Take care and always be creative!