I don’t really know what I’m doing
I’m just kind of here because I can’t let myself vent too much to those around me because they didn’t sign up to be my therapist. I also don’t really have the right to complain about anything in the first place, I’m just banking on the idea that putting everything here will decrease the chances of me randomly rambling about *** to my friends and family. Trigger warning I guess if you read anything I post, I tend to be pretty blunt about things regarding self-harm and my eating habits.
God I feel so out of place. Like I don’t really belong anywhere. Which sounds dramatic and I hate being dramatic - I’ve tried to avoid it unless I’m clearly joking around. And it’s honestly a really cliche sentiment. It’s just that everyone around me seems to have a friend group - or at the very least, a friend - that they’ve known for a long time so when I try to interact with people on the days I have the energy to I just feel like I’m intruding or being bothersome. I’m 18 and genuinely broke college student trying to stretch forty dollars as much as possible because no matter how many job applications I fill out no one ever reaches out. It doesn’t help that I don’t have a car or license so my options are already limited. But today I went to an event which was really just a small gathering for the people on my floor. I have a hard time leaving my dorm, I literally just have dirty dishes hidden in my dresser because the idea of going downstairs to the kitchen in order to wash them freaks me out. So I actually decided to go and try to meet people, only for me to sit awkwardly because, naturally, everyone had come with their friends. Even the people I did sort of connect with I met by accidentally wandering into a church because they were advertising free ice cream and it was hot as ***. I don’t follow the religion but they have fun events that get me out of my dorm and interacting with people - my roommate is often out with their friends - and despite how tired and anxious I tend to get, I feel really *** and alone without face-to-face human interaction. I also tend to find comfort in physical touch, but I’m far from close enough to anyone here to just be hanging off their arms so I’ll take what I can get. But I don’t follow the religion and they’re always talking about God and their connection to him and I just feel like an intruder all over again despite how nice and welcoming they all are because I know they think I’m someone that I’m not. It just sucks and I’m so, so tired of this. I’m always tired in general, but still. Even the people in my major all have different goals than me - the college I’m at doesn’t even focus on the career I want, I just need to get the degree it offers. So even in that sense I feel alone. I’ve been trying really hard to stop isolating myself but it feels like I’m draining my energy for no reason or gain. I keep failing and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong - even though I’m used to my best not being good enough this one really stings. Funnily enough, the two people who tolerate me and actually hang out with me once a week graduate next year - so I’ll just be back to being alone with no motivation or reason to leave my dorm outside of classes. Oh joy. I almost want to just give up, but I’m not going into debt for nothing. My good this is a rambling mess.
@feralpuddle damn! That's a lot of issues. Welcome to adult good I guess😁 you don't have to give up, but possibly a little break is needed. Any family you can go to and just chill for a week?? What are you studying by the way??
It's ok to be a bit of a outcast, makes you sound more mysterious. I understand socialising, anxiety, feeling alone it's a horrible thing to go through at your age. But don't worry we are all here for you ❤ good call on the free icecream 😋 I have my beliefs, but I don't class myself as any religion. But I do know, in church all are welcome, if it's doing you good then carry on going ❤ just little steps, keep trying, you got this ❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤ never be afraid to reach out here ❤
Thanks, I don’t know if I want to be here but there’s no going back 😅 I wish I could take a break- My closest family members are four hours away unfortunately. I’m studying animal sciences! It’s kind of funny because everyone here is so focused on getting into vet school while I’m over here trying to get experience with training them.
I guess, it’s just lonely. But thanks, that’s really kind ❤️ It was totally worth it 😋 That’s what people say but it’s not exactly uncommon for religious people to not accept queer people and it’s a little nerve wracking because I get in my head about the fact that MAYBE the room could turn on me or something - which doesn’t make sense because the two people I regularly talk to from there are totally fine with it. Returns giant tiny hug ❤️ I appreciate you taking the time to write this, please never hesitate to reach out either ❤️
I don’t know if i’m more distressed or angry right now. I worked hard to develop and improve my minds eye and I was so excited about the progress I’ve been making. It’s not even that much- a vague image of an apple or brief image of someone’s face before it melts away (sometimes almost literally) But I take it all back- I don’t want it. It was cool at first and actually fun but I swear to god that intrusive IMAGES were not anything I even thought about and if I had then I probably would have worked to not develop my minds eye in the slightest. It’s so much harder to cope with those as opposed to intrusive thoughts because at least I can drown those out. And the worst part is since I’m so used to not being able to visualize things very well, my thoughts are very description heavy. So like when I’m told to “picture an apple” I just think the words “round, red, sweet, etc.” as well as emotions and feelings likely associated. So freaky intrusive images (did I make up that phrase?) mixed with my highly descriptive way of thinking is so disturbing that I don’t know what to do with myself. God this sucks.