wtf!!

I've always been so patient and tolerable with people, never said a bad word or thing out of place, was always scared to give or even have an opinion in case someone disagreed and then didnt like me.

But I think since the start of this year, I'm lashing out at everyone. Constantly. I've driven so many people away, I've been called abusive, cruel, harsh, rude etc (even today)

I'm so frustrated and trapped in my living situation that every little thing now pisses me off. I always knew I was poison and that I would poison people, and now its come true.

I have so much hate, anger, bitterness, jealousy, scorn, disdain etc inside of me, 35 years of feeling and being made feel worthless, all boiling up and spilling out.

Its horrible how I am now, I've become the very things I always despised, and yet I don't know how to stop it.

I know depression is often described as anger turned inwards. I think it's true in my case. So much I need to say but no one wants to listen. Everyone is so used to me not speaking, they dont even try.

When I used to self harm it was always worse and deeper when I was angry, because of the passion and rage behind it.

I talked about it with an occupational therapist I saw briefly and he just said it was better to take it out on people around me then to cut myself. I dont agree though, I can deal with being harmed, I dont matter, but other people do.

I'm hurting everyone around me cos I feel like I dont matter to anyone, And I'm angryI cant act on my constant suicidal thoughts because theyll all be annoyed having to pretend to be upset. And ill always be remembered as selfish. Well maybe if they bothered enough to notice whats right in front of them and try to help.

Im so tired i keep forgetting what i want to write. Also typing is weird on this site. Maybe I should sleep and I might remember tomorrow. I'm sorry to write so much.

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