unique oppurtunity for growth, cognition 45 years and emotionally 4
I have recently found out that i managed to convince myself of a reality in which...interpersonal trust is useless and i never wondered if i even knew what trust was.
i never actually wanted anything, but still thought i wanted something. with 'want' i mean literally a pre-verbal emotional aspect that feels like anything that would expose myself to disappointment or would expose myself to possible hurt was closed off in such a way that effectively I've never fully experienced any emotion fully, but more baffling was able to not avoid questioning the situation myself (!)
part of it was all set in motion because i found and was in a requited true love relationship, and it took two more years that i finally realized why i would break up with this girl while she tried to get back with me... and why i rejected and hurt her as soon as she came close. this incoherence created such an internal conflict that i almost killed myself, but there were not enough drugs in the world for this love to not force me to face this self-deception.
its like a new shot at life. this was your past, this is your possible future (which seems to me simply unbelievable wonderful) this is who you are not, this is what you can be...
now i am a vegan, realize i don't have a primary addiction problem (psychiatrists told me time after time, but what did they know), that i am not an evil asshole, that my childhood was not that great, but at least i can remember it, that i made no sense to the love of my life, that it has been difficult but that i am blessed with a second chance that seems so unreal and amazing that everything from here on will be dedicated to love, community, honesty, compassion.
i belief that there are no perpetrators, i am blessed to not have to be subject to the going scientific reductionist 'food for worms'-theology, and I've validated all my feelings with a paper proving to others and myself this feeling was allowed to be valid.
i realize i have intrinsic value and those things are not just sentimental notions of wishful thinking.
having been a perpetrator makes me able to have compassion with even those others find it hardest to feel compassion for... the ones that inflict pain receive no worldly understanding, but i can attest that hurting the girl i loved beyond space and time (and even according to the passionate love scale was love bordering on the supernatural) and that the greatest torture was to realize that i pushed her away until that internal pressure made me lose my sanity temporarily.
phew. that was a lot. I'll structure it later
@frisosayforth
Hi! It sounds like you have had a lot of insight and realisations, and recognise opportunity for growth. Thanks for sharing! I think a lot of us have emotional regulation abilities of a 4 year old, in certain situations at the least.
Yes, trust is a tricky thing! Sometimes we get it confused with things like forgiveness, reconciliation, boundaries. Also shutting ourselves off to emotions is pretty common. Especially if we don't learn healthy emotional awareness/regulation in childhood.
It sounds like a powerful experience you had with love, rejection, internal conflict and your self-deception, and you have gained a lot of awareness and compassion. I am happy to hear you feeling positive and blessed with a second chance, that you know you and your feelings are valid and you have value.
