my world

adhd is interesting, for people that have never really been around it or experienced it in anyway, it can sometimes come across as nothing more than just being unable to sit still. Yeah, thats a pretty big part of it but there is more to it as you can probably guess, I mean, I wouldn't be posting this if there wasn't huh? hehe. I was diagnosed with adhd when I was a kid, maybe around 5 or 6 and I was a complete nightmare. I was never intentionally difficult but it was just who I was ya know? I remember a pretty bad day in primary school, It was home time and as usual I had to stay behind and meet some teacher with my mum because of my behaviour that day. It went a little differently this time though, As the meeting finished I walked a little faster ahead to get out of there as quickly as possible but for some reason I turned around. My mum was standing there just crying into her hands, A teaching assistant that worked at the school rushed up to my mum and tried to comfort her and took her off to the side. as they walked away from me this teacher looked at me with disgust and just said 'you're a horrible little brat' I don't remember exactly but it was something along thoes lines. At the time I didn't really give much thought to it and was more worried about being punished than my own mother crying her eyes out in another room. Stuff like that happened a lot, for a few more years in fact until I reached secondary school and that's where I discovered drugs.. Near to the end of secondary school, I tried my first joint. I was instantly hooked in the shit, one joint turned into two and so on. It was very hard to get a hold of cannabis in my area due to it being illegal and also just not a hot-spot for drug dealers but everything changed when the fire nation attacked.. ok, I couldn't resist there haha. Anyways, once I hit college it was a whole other story. I couldn't walk to class without being offered a bag, It got to the point where I couldn't sleep without the shit being in my system, when I had ran out, I would crawl on my fucking hands and knees looking for crumbs of weed to just try and put myself to sleep. While all this was going on, I completely forgot about my adhd and it kinda seemed like my adhd had forgot about me. I unintentionally self-medicated with cannabis but what I gained was trash in comparison to what I lost. I had used to be a energetic, confident and care-free person, I didn't care about what anyone thought of me and after years of abusing extremetly potenet cannabis (skunk) I had sort of destroyed my own personality. my parents were devistated that thier little boy has turned to drugs but I just said all the same bull-shit everyone else did;

'Cannabis is so much safer than booze and ciggaretts'

'It helps cure and ease suffering of chronic illness'

'its not addictive at all'

Yeah, while most of these things are true, they are not true for me. what I didn't know at the time is that adhd and cannabis do not work well together at all. what you need to know is that adhd causes a lack of dopamine in the brain, mix that with a substance that increases the flow and ammount of dopamine in the brain and its a recipe for addiction. back to the topic, after seeing how it was affecting my family, I thought back to that day at school when my mum was crying and compared it to what was going on around me at the time. At that point I knew I had to stop not just my familys sake but also for my own. Luckily I managed to get over it after around a week of constantly throwing up and waking up in cold sweats. After all that nasty business was over I took some time to look at myself and what it had done to me. I went from being an upbeat, happy kid to a depressed loser whos only friend is a computer. theres also another thing I was to get across to people who want to know more about adhd. lets say you and I are standing in a circle of people and just talking. what are you focusing on? the person talking of course. not for me, what im focusing on is everything but that. In my brain im getting close to a panic attack because im worried that im standing the wrong way, worried that i've had my arms crossed for too long, worried that my jeans are doing that thing which makes it look like i have a semi boner going on. it sounds dumb but that is what goes though my head when being around people and im pretty sure others with adhd can relate. Please, next time that guy with adhd walks by you, think about what i've said here. we're a lot more than just people that 'can't sit still' and it hurts when people just brush adhd off as an excuse to be an asshole.

thanks for reading if you got through all that, went off track a little bit with the whole drugs thing but I've got a few things off my chest with this post

-lev

me again

when a guy asks for help regarding metal, emotional and physical problems, please know it is a lot harder than a female asking for help. on the surface it sounds sexisit and it is but not in the way you are probably thinking. everyone is equal, every human, animal, insect. its a little different for the human males though. the social heiaracy we as humans have developed and adopted into our natural law is disgusting and painful. females are expected to care, love and show compassion. males are expected to provide, hunt and protect. These are primal instincts, its our nature as humans. what really gets on my nerves is how we call ourselves the dominant life form but still cling to thoes primal instincts. our brains are amazing, we are self aware, we question our own exsistance, we know where we came from yet we are still too stubbon to drop this social heiaracy and primal ball-shit

as a guy, i've been told from birth to 'be a man' and 'men don't cry', I know I shouldn't think like that but I still agree with it because its been drilled into my fucking head for so many years by other guys. guys cant ask for help, we do that and we are seen as weak and fragile which goes agaisnt everything we have been taught growing up. When I hit that button that sends me to talk to a listener im afraid and scared, scared that I will be looked down upon as weak while whoever is talking to me is up on that moral pedistal smirking at me while I try and pour my heart out. I know that isn't true but its how our brains are hardwired from the start.

In 2018, males and females aged 45 to 49 had the highest suicide rates at 27.1% per 100,000 males and 9.2% per 100,000 for females (UK Data)

There is a reason why guys take thier own lives more than females, we can't cry infront of friends, we can't ask for help because we will be seen as prey and pride wont let us do that.

its dumb and outdated but its how it always has been and probably always will be.

-lev

do it

Wont be a burden anymore

wont have to do 'life'

might be something better on the other side (50%)

dont do it

family

friends

my little baby dog

that 0.0000001% chance of becoming a streamer?

i want a friend

its time to sleep now. im tired