gingersnappen’s ramblings👩🏻‍💻

Let’s begin with the event that brought me to cups. It’s not particularly triggering or horrible in comparison to many others’ issues here, and it wasn’t particularly as impactful as other events that have occurred in my life, but it is what pushed me over the edge to be here. I’ll write an vague account of what that was so that I have a record of details before I forget.

So, I’m lucky to be privileged, and my family takes education really seriously. After a few years of public school I applied to a private school and from there was expected to go to a private high school. All of this was preparing me for college. I’ve been getting ready for college essentially all my life. I got into a prestigious boarding school where I dedicated myself to extracurriculars, improving the community, and having ok grades. I had trouble - which is how I got my ADHD diagnosis - but it was, overall, very good for me. I learned a lot, made good friends, and grew to be an independent person.

COVID hit during the end of my junior year. We went fully online and my grades plummeted. I had to move out of my dorm, back home, where I couldn’t get used to a new routine and environment... even when I went back in person in the beginning of this school year (Fall of 2020) I was doing horribly. I started to notice that I was trying really hard and dedicating almost all my time to my studies but it had nothing but a negative effect. I would sit down to do work, and then freeze up, unable to write or solve anything. When I sought help, thinking perhaps I needed executive functioning help that was tailored to my ADHD, I was accused of cheating by the school administration (I’m asking for help, and my grades are going down, how did that turn into cheating I don’t know) and threatened into a medical leave. If I didn’t agree to go to the mental hospital then they would make me go in front of the discipline committee for cheating. Terrified of being punished for something I didn’t do, I decided to go to the mental hospital in the hopes they could help. Obviously they didn’t because inpatient mental hospitals are mostly for those who are at risk of harming themselves... and I spent a long two weeks there as the only person without depression. I spent more time supporting others than getting support.

At the mental hospital they gave me a depression medication, Zoloft, to treat anxiety. I don’t have chronic anxiety and they didn’t diagnose me with it.. Zoloft made me tired and unable to sleep, but I had to take it, because they wouldn’t discharge me if I didn’t try it. The only anxiety I had was normal situational anxiety stemming from the fear of not being able to go back to school. My fears were realized when I was discharged and my school told me they wouldn’t take me back under any circumstances this year. They then cut contact with me.

I’m still reeling from the feeling of betrayal from this event... as a senior, I thought I would graduate this year as one of the most active student leaders, who had contributed so much to improving the school and supporting the student body. Who would have known that the head of the mental health awareness club would have been kicked out for mental health reasons? I began to regret asking for help, as it only brought more trouble for me. After being discharged I secretly weaned myself off the Zoloft and had to go get screened for psychosis - and I don’t have it, don’t ask me why they accused me of psychosis when I was merely asking for ADHD help, because I don’t know either. After typing all of this it seems like some weird story I made up in a fever dream... I wish that were the case.

Where am I now after the events of that badly written summary? Well, to avoid having to be held back a year for asking for help, I enrolled in the local public school. It’s not the same quality I’m used to but I’m just grateful at this point to have a school to go to. The colleges I’ve been preparing for all my life? Well, I’ve lost hope I’m going to a good one. My transfer to the public school reflected badly on my application and college admissions officers were concerned I wasn’t mentally stable enough to attend their school. I only got into two safety schools, one of which is my state school. I’m trying to keep my head up and be grateful, as at least I can go to college still and maybe think about transferring to different colleges later, but it’s hard to stay positive... I’m so tired of being sad about my crushed plans and I wish I could just get over myself and get on with my life. I’m so lonely in this new environment at school with no friends and I don’t feel like a senior at all. Not to mention that hearing questions about my school situation and college plans are a constant reminder that I’m falling behind my peers, struggling because of something I can’t control.

I still haven’t figured out how to fix my study issue, and I blame myself for that constantly. My adults aren’t happy with me about it and think that I’m becoming a delinquent, and it’s hard not to believe them when they tell me I’m destined to be homeless. I’ll probably skip graduation this year because it’s now meaningless to me... and my self esteem is at an all time low. Stupid past me shouldn’t have asked for help. :/

well, that was quite the disorganized tangent! I’m not used to talking about myself. Maybe I’ll get better with time. Thank you for reading if anyone is reading this but I highly doubt anyone will. Maybe I’ll rewrite this in notes in a better way but I’ll post this unfiltered rant version here for now. ❤️

@gingersnappen- another concerned human being reading your entry. It makes me just gasp at the trauma you have endured this past year. You so eloquently described how this pandemic has affected many students. So tragic that you ended up in a mental hospital with inadequate ways to help you get back on your feet. I hope you get connected with the proper support soon. You deserve it. Hugs.

@barncat

well said....

@gingersnappen

Wow, that is deeply unfair, infuriating, and shameful on so many fronts: the school, the medical community, etc.

I'm super proud of you for having the self-awareness, intelligence, and courage to still be able to affirm the truth of, "What was done to me was wrong and shouldn't have happened"... despite all of the really messed up implications of accepting something like that (i.e. that lots of people and institutions of adults who are older and more powerful than you and should know better treated you in an unjust way and you weren't able to do anything to prevent it). It makes me angry.

That's really great that you're continuing to pursue school and do what you can to make things work. Of course, it's understandable that it would still feel pretty destabilizing and disempowering and isolating and like something has been lost to have so many things suddenly undermined and having to start over from scratch: your prior life path/goals/progress that used to be much more straightforward, your friendships/social environment, and people's trust/confidence in you (ugh how the heck is it supposed to be helpful to be told repeatedly by people that they don't believe in you).

Then I guess like you've said, there's still the original study/ADHD issue to deal with. No good deed goes unpunished... trying to seek help to better yourself and become a more productive, flourishing person? Nope, not allowed... Yay thanks I hate it, lol.

"Badly written" - nah, you're really good at this whole writing thing

@gingersnappen Hi! My name is Brittany and I am a stranger who wanted to read your post simply because reading other's thoughts makes me feel less alone and human. It seems as if you may be under alot of pressure from other's or loved one's, as if they may want you to follow the path they chose for you, and as if you don't have a choice. Your story reminds me of my college days. I had tried to go to school at 18 but as I was getting older with more responsibilities, I reached a point of saying "Why am I doing this?". At 27, I did finally finish College but in your situation, you may have to be brave and really think to yourself: what are you really going to college for? Is this my life path? Is this what I want to do? What do I want to do with my life? What is it that ( Your Name) really wants? I am so sorry you had to deal with such misfortune and just know that you do have a choice in your life no matter what anyone tells you. Never be afraid to use your voice, never be afraid to stand up for yourself. I hope this helps and I hope you post again soon. Take care of yourself❤🌻

@DaisyBeeBlooming Thanks for your response, Brittany. While I appreciate your sentiments, I realize I probably wasn’t clear enough in my rant, as I did choose this as my life path. It is true that I feel pressure from my family but it is the truth that I want to go to college of my own accord, in order to achieve my career goals. I did end up getting acceptances to my two safety schools, and only my two safety schools, and I am planning to try and apply to transfer to another college from there next school year. However, my choice to be able to go to a college at the same academic caliber I know I qualify for as well as my desire to graduate from my previous high school instead of my current one has been taken away from me, simply because I tried to stand up for myself. I know that ultimately I should continue standing up for myself and not let any of these events get me down, but I’m still mourning the loss of what I could have had, if that makes sense ❤️ What hurt me the most is that I had decided what I actually wanted to do with my life, but those plans were derailed :,)

I’m glad that you were able to graduate from college! I hope that you have found or will find what you want to do in life as well. All the best ❤️

@gingersnappen Thank you for clarifying your situation, to mourn the loss of something you could have had, I do understand that. Plans getting derailed, I know all about that as well. Thank you for replying and I wish you all the best in the world, you deserve happiness☺🌻

No need to thank me, thank *you* for taking the time to read and leave kind words for me (: ❤️ I hope you know that you deserve happiness as well. Much love ❤️

You are too kind and anytime❤❤❤❤❤

Hello again.

I’m beginning to grow increasingly annoyed with myself, and it’s causing me to have a short fuse with others who remind me of myself. It’s not great, and ever since I recognized it, I tried to reel myself back in and be kind as well as keep some distance. I remind myself that it’s not them: it’s me. I shouldn’t go around correcting other people whose situations I don’t know even if I feel as though I’ve been in that situation before and even if I recognize someone else’s questionable thought processes.

What else...

Last night I got random calls from former roommates at my previous school and roommates from the grippy sock factory aka mental hospital. It was nice, and I felt cared for. But, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being separate - isolated yet clinging on to our connection. I think they missed me. I missed them too, but didn’t have the courage to call.

I also had a weird 10 or so minutes where I started questioning my sexuality yesterday. That never happens; I usually just come to random realizations of “oh I’m ace” and I tend not to ruminate on them. I wondered if I’m not just ace but also aro because I find myself disgusted by clingy relationships where partners care for one another so much but seem to neglect the fact that there is a whole other world out there. It’s nice to see them care for one another for about five seconds until I feel creeped out and want independence. Is this because it’s out of my comfort zone or because I’m not ready? Is this something that’s not being aro but a preference for having space? Is it because of my desire to achieve my own goals through my own hard work and because I don’t like relying too much on others? Or am I reminded of past romantic relationships with clingy exes when I see other similar relationships? Who knows. I pushed the thought out of my mind until now because I know I don’t have an answer. Why bother overthinking it when I a) don’t ever feel attraction for anyone, or haven’t yet and b) don’t even want a relationship now anyways? There are more important things for me right now.

Like I imagine a good number of people do, I cringe at my past self. It’s easy to point out mistakes after you’ve made them and learned better. Oh well. I try not to let my past define me, even though it created me. That doesn’t make a whole ton of sense 🤨 but ok then past me from a few seconds ago.

my internal monologue goes igudhjsjdhejjrjrjf 🎢 😀✌️

oh yeah, my cousin (the one who tried to do something potentially triggering and then ended up in the hospital) got a cat and a tattoo! Her brother aka my other cousin bought a house on his girlfriend’s credit since his sucks and he’s coming back here in two weeks. I haven’t seen him in person in probably five years or more. Hopefully I can visit them both soon ❤️ I wanted to end on a positive note so this entry was all over the place, oops. It’s ok, this is my thread after all, and I can do whatever I’d like to! (:

@gingersnappen

Whatever the romanic orientation label ends up being, that's helpful to know that certain past relationships that involve a lot of clinginess feel like they don't work or aren't desirable/relevant right now. That disgust/judgment sounds pretty healthy/useful at its core--to just sort of instinctively feel that certain past things/selves are "not what I want"... and to energetically, forcefully move toward the opposite because it feels more helpful for the current you.

I have no idea what I’m going to do about college.

The deadline for a deposit is looming, and I don’t know how to choose. I am ok with going to both the schools I was accepted into, I guess, but I can’t bring myself to try and decide between them. I think I need to stop avoiding things when I don’t like it: it’s such a hard habit for me to break. Maybe I’m not looking seriously into the two colleges because it would make things more real. I’d have to accept that I didn’t have a chance at the schools I dreamed of going to because of things both in and not in my control. I feel awful about myself and I hate wallowing in self pity so I choose to avoid, instead.

I guess I could ask for help. Explain that I’m stupidly avoiding everything because emotions are hard and I don’t want to come to terms with the fact that my plans were postponed if not ruined by poor choices and self destructive habits. But I avoid that too, because I don’t want to admit that I’m struggling. I would rather support others or do something, anything, other than seek support for myself about this. Besides, how can others support me? Tell me more executive functioning skills and strategies I already know? Tell me to sit down and “just do it” ✔️ (no I’m not sponsored by Adidas)? That’s not helpful to me. I need to drive myself to do things.

No, it’s not just that I need to drive myself. I also need to be in an environment like I was at the boarding school where I feel the passion others have for learning, where I’m at home and motivated to work for my goals to improve myself and get my money’s worth. I’m not in that environment anymore, though. So what else will help? I’m tired and burnt out but I can’t be burnt out and avoiding forever. The solution keeps shouting out at me: “just do it!” Go and overcome your ADHD, your mental health issues, your emotions, your laziness, everything standing in your way and keep pushing through forever and ever. Keep trying and you’ll get through it, it will get easier with time. You just need to jumpstart your engine and as soon as it starts rolling you’ll be as good as new again. Ignore the expectations you feel from others because of your race and your gender and your very existence. No, I haven’t gathered the strength or motivation to do that.

Sure, I could do self care. Try and get that motivation of mine up. But I have tried and I’ve been trying. There is a time limit on how long I can be burnt out for before there are severe consequences and that time limit ended a year ago. Severe consequences, hooray, made my attempts at recovery even weaker and now I’m completely running on fumes.

All I can do, in the end, is to keep trying. I hope that you, dear reader, will keep trying too, if you are also struggling with something. We can do it together, separately. (Do you see how this is another unintentional example of avoidance, where I try to support others again instead of me? I mean my words of support though.) I guess this is the end of my rant: if I continue I’ll just be talking in circles. Thank you for reading/listening. ❤️

I can be so impulsive that it becomes a problem.

To counter that I try to think things through before taking action and that can also be a problem, especially since I tend to overthink and then miss opportunities or destroy my own chances due to overthinking. For example, I don’t reach out to listeners often because I want to make sure I actually would benefit from a conversation with one. But then if I reach out and the listener doesn’t support me I feel bad for wasting their time and my time as well for believing I had found someone who would give me quality support. I have a habit of trying not to reach out to listeners I am familiar with on my L because I’d like to keep professionalism, so I opt instead to use “connect now” or browse listeners to find people. That can be a problem as I know a lot of good listeners on my L, so the list of active high quality listeners who I haven’t met and talked with extensively on my L is rather short. Eh, oh well.

I was debating for a time over deleting this entire thread as ranting here isn’t helping me any more than ranting in my private journals, but hey, I gotta force myself to keep trying things out of my comfort zone. I don’t have much else I want to say here so thank you for reading, and I hope you have a nice day or night (: (it feels strange to be able to address someone as if they are reading - 😀 I hope that wasn’t creepy haha-)

I’m actually so ready to delete this thread but the fact that I’d have to bother people about it to manually delete it is preventing me 😀 Arghh I guess I’ll try to make use of it - 🥲

I have to decide tomorrow what college I want to deposit my money into and I don’t know what to doooobsvhdjhdjs every time I try to look into them I feel such ardent self hatred but I need to decide, I can’t avoid it and then not go to college at all. That would make me feel worse.

I debated whether or not to talk to an old friend about it but didn’t want to bother him. The feeling of ✨pure inadequacy✨got in the way and I resisted the impulse. I keep trying to find listeners to talk to but I can’t find anyone, I either know them on my L or they don’t respond. Why listeners take “connect now” requests and then don’t respond is beyond me, don’t accept the request if you’re not gonna say anything. It’s understandable if people from browse listeners don’t reply but not replying after accepting my chat request yourself, really? Maybe I should resort to messaging the ones I know, it feels uncomfortable though.

Ok whoever reads this ridiculousness and upvotes without replying, thank you? I wonder what you are thinking (not pressuring anyone into replying, don’t if you have nothing to say) but uh thanks for the upvotes, strangers 😮❤️ sending motivational vibes to everyone who needs them (: that’s all for now, take cats! 🐈😀

I’m so burnt out 🥲😀✌️ the only thing keeping me from dropping out of school and giving up on everything until I feel better is the knowledge that failing this year means repeating another year and dragging out my burnt out phase for longer. I’m so done with everything dhdhhfjds 😀 I’m not in crisis though! I just really want to sleep through the next year and wake up refreshed. Nothing has been helping me get back on my feet, and I keep getting worse and worse no matter how hard I try to reverse things. I hate that there is a time limit for me to stop being an idiot and get on with life. I’ve passed that time limit and the longer I procrastinate on healing the more consequences I get; the more consequences I receive, the more burnt out I get; and thus the cycle continues. I try to remind myself that healing is not a straight line. I can’t improve by beating my mind into shape. But I’m not improving like this either, so what am I supposed to do? Grr. None of this makes sense probably but oh well. I tried to get this out in writing in case it would help me think of a new idea or see things from another perspective but it hasn’t and I feel no better or worse than I was before. Wonderful.

I may as well try to end on an attempted positive note. Argh, this is starting to look like some sort of pathetic virtue signaling to show at least someone on this blasted planet that I’m trying my best, as if their acknowledgement of that would make me feel better. Wait, nonono, I shouldn’t say things like that. Pretend you didn’t read that and I’ll try that again because that wasn’t positive at all (,;

Alright 😀 if I’m not feeling better I may as well try to do something productive and say things to make *you* the random reader feel better. Thank you for donating your time to this thread, I have no idea why you are here, but you are appreciated. If there are things that are troubling you, I hope you will have the courage to seek out support if needed. I’m not going to lie; that support won’t necessarily solve all your problems. For me, most recently, it made things worse. I’m still trying to hang on though, and I think you have the strength to too. The support you find may make things better for you, and take some of the burden off your shoulders. Keep reaching out and someday you will find something to keep you going and help you through the hard times. ❤️ I’m still looking for that light and I am determined to find it. We can do this together (: ❤️❤️

Or none of the above cheesiness applies to you if you’re not in a situation that would benefit from hearing those words 😀 in which case I say: I don’t know your situation (actually I don’t know anyone’s situation, anyone who is reading this lol because I don’t know you) but I sincerely hope you are doing okay! If not, my heart goes out to you, I’m not sure what to say but I’m sending optional support and hugs to you. That was bad but oh well, self given B- for effort. (:

@gingersnappen

I love your writing. You have so much self-awareness. It's really amazing and funny because you have a sense of humor/cynicism in recognizing how exhausting, frustrating, and counterproductive it can be to understand yourself.

I was a fool for not realizing this earlier. Avoidance isn’t that different from giving up. It’s merely less assertive. I hate how my brain keeps deceiving myself, how I keep using self destructive habits. I tell myself I need help. But help and change are different things, and I haven’t found any type of support that pushes me to make a positive change. I feel as though my thoughts circle down slowly into the drain until they overflow and scream “Just do it!” Why can’t I? Or maybe I can, so why am I not? Stupid, idiotic me. I may be standing in the way of my own ‘success’ - it seems so simple, get out of your own head, ignore yourself - and yet I am not. If that isn’t the way, then what is? This is supremely confusing. My talent for overthinking blows things out of proportion. This is how I am, though. Is that what I need to change? Or is it something else? Is the necessary change even within my control? What is it that I want? So many questions with no perfect answer. Being mindful is not enough. Being enabled to change, and then actually changing, might be enough. What will enable me? I have absolutely no clue. I am tired of looking for what will enable me. I tried enabling myself and getting outside help too but no, I am still here, stuck in this loop. Trying to tackle simplicity with a complex solution. Just do it, yeah sure. I would have done it already if I could, if I knew how, if I only - something. Something missing. When can I find that something, or even better, stop asking “if” and ✨just do it✨ like everyone including myself says I need to? What is going on in this hopeless, ungrateful, confused mind of mine.... I’d like help, please. What the *** is wrong with me.

Extremely curious what replies, if any, I receive for this nonsense. I’m being a brat, wanting things I can’t have and not getting over myself when I should. That is how I see things. Is there another perspective that will help me become a functioning person again?

I am ashamed of my existence. I am ashamed to even have the audacity to feel ashamed about my existence: why should I feel that way when there isn’t a solid reason why I am ashamed?

I’ve seen others worry about whether others hate them. I’m hardly ever worried about if someone hates me, because I believe my existence is so insignificant to them that they wouldn’t care at all. Why would they hate me? If one were to oversimplify things, there are three main ways one could regard another: with care, with distaste, or with indifference. If they hate me, so be it. But most likely people regard me with indifference even if I am concerned about how they view me, so there is no reason to worry. I realize I am privileged in having this mindset, and I am glad that I don’t feel the need to worry as strongly as some others do about how people regard me. I think I used to worry, but I somehow came to the above realization and stopped obsessing over what I now feel are foolish things, like how others view me.

I am confused about how a certain person in my life seems to think I don’t carry enough shame. I think that’s a flawed perception of me. Of course, I could carry more shame. Things could be worse. I am, however, acutely aware that my current levels of self-blame and shaming are rather unhealthy, and the fact that I hate myself - no, I disregard myself completely as I don’t care enough to hate - to the very core screams at me constantly. But that person is not in my head, nor are they me, nor can they read my mind, so originally I didn’t blame them for not recognizing my self hatred. When I tried to communicate that I did deeply loathe myself, that person didn’t believe me, and that is what I dislike. I don’t want to argue with someone about whether or not I hate myself, shouldn’t we focus on something else like how I can stop hating myself instead of whether I actually do? Admitting that I dislike myself isn’t easy, you know. Do they think I want to be this way? Why would I pretend to hate myself?? I guess they could think I’m trying to seek attention but like,,, no??? If I was an attention seeker wouldn’t I be screaming “I hate myself, now change my mind” from the rooftops to try and fish for compliments? I feel like I’m victimizing myself and I hardly ever talk about my self hatred with my support system because I don’t think I’m worth the attention, and I’m only saying this here because no one has replied recently 🤦‍♀️ I don’t need any more shame in my life thank you, I wish they would keep their stupidity out of my face so I can work through my own already pre existing emotions. Let me heal without additional foolishness please, I don’t expect life to be perfect but I will not tolerate unnecessary shaming. Why are they so set on shaming me more anyways? What do they gain from that? I know they’re not gonna feel better about themselves after shaming me so what is it that makes them do this?? Confused.

I don’t understand why they are shaming me but I feel there must be a reason, it’s hard for me to accept if there isn’t a reason. The reason doesn’t even have to be good, I can accept flawed logic. When I ask why they think I need more shame they say I don’t have enough and we’re brought in another loop, so I guess I need to learn to accept it. Somehow, for an unknown reason, they feel I don’t have enough shame, and somehow they feel it is their responsibility to instill said additional shame, and that is how things are, I guess. Why am I even complaining about this...

Anyways. Wow, I’m quite wordy. Hopefully this will post without giving me a warning message like it did yesterday, my last post that never got posted must have triggered some censor but I couldn’t figure out which part made cups think I was in crisis. There was something else I wanted to say but my adhd said vroom vroom *** and threw the thought away, lovely. Thank you dear neurodivergent brain. I’m gonna stop talking now haha, there are too many words already that I don’t even recognize or relate to anymore and I don’t know why 😳😬

I wish to be small. Not necessarily young, but small. Then I can hide more easily.

Shy. Wedging myself into corners and small spaces feels more like a hug the more solidly restricting they are and the closer I press myself into the floor. As long as I focus on the feeling of fake solid support in a positive sense and don’t become panicky from claustrophobia and the desire to get out. It seems ridiculous that I feel... little, I guess. I’m going to be a legal adult soon. Why am I like this.

I wanted to say this in the safety of a closed room with no one else but me in it. But when the room closed I was kicked out too by the app and now I am here, in a slightly more exposed place. And I no longer can indulge my desire for smallness here, it feels wrong. I get the feeling that I need to get back to reality and be mature. The small version of me doesn’t fit this side of cups and actually I’ve never expressed this before ever let alone in a way that others can see so I guess I’ll get off and wedge myself in a corner again. If I can even get back in the mode of feeling small. Must go back to hide, goodbye.

@gingersnappen

I probably overshare here. Maybe I should replace “probably” with “definitely” considering the length and sometimes content of my posts 😬 eh. Haven’t fully figured out how I feel about this yet.

scared, nervous, distressed, overwhelmed, ashamed, panicked to the point where I don’t even feel it coiling and constricting around me. I just feel numb instead, and heavy, and nauseous. My brain is pulling me in 5000 directions at once and yet I’m not moving or processing anything. Worried. Hateful towards myself. Don’t even have energy to feel so the numbness remains but that’s even heavier than emotions that show themselves in an obvious way. I’m not functioning in the way I want to. I can’t focus at all - I have adhd so to an extent it’s normal but this, how I am right now isn’t anywhere near my normal capacity for focus and other functions. I’m burnt out and I don’t have time or room or support to be burnt out. How the hell do I recover when I keep getting worse and worse? I have the motivation and the energy and the desire to get out so why am I not in control of the situation, why am I not changing at all despite how hard I’m trying? Despite all the support I’m trying to get which hasn’t helped at all and has actually made things worse for me so far? What if this isn’t something that can be “fixed” just like how my adhd can’t be fixed? I don’t want this I didn’t choose this brain. I want to scream “help help help please please please” but that’s obnoxious and won’t accomplish anything, even if I someday find support that is helpful I need to also hold up my end, accept the support, and try to change. I thought I was trying but no one else believes I am and I don’t see any positive results so maybe I’m not trying hard enough.. I don’t have energy, I want to give up openly. Not on life but on my commitments and on functioning. I’d like a refund for this part of my life please and thank you. Ahhh the urge to just, take my brain out, bounce it against the wall a few times and idk just have it not in my head is so tempting. It feels like my head is being placed in a high pressure vacuum and I think I might be having sensory overload- help please really I don’t know why I’m asking how can people help? How can I even help myself cause I’m not having one of those immediate breakdowns that can be helped by grounding strategies or coping mechanisms, these are just things I feel and have to deal with and can’t do anything about to my knowledge. I want a new brain. Curse the people who say adhd is a blessing I know you mean well but it sucks and I don’t like having it, it’s making my non-adhd issues worse in multiple ways. What do I do, what should I do, how can I function again.. questions I ask here but don’t expect an answer to from someone else.... I want a hug but virtual hugs aren’t the same and I can’t ask for or access a physical one. I don’t even have that many issues why am I so selfish? I can’t, I have to get out of this thread, literally don’t know want to do anymore. Please let me stop feeling this way soon I’m so distressed and negative headspace isn’t fun. I forgot to eat today and my brain has been fried for lord knows how long. Please let me recover soon. I- I have to stop autocorrect is the only think keeping them from being completely gibberish. Devolving, bye

Not processing anything still feel horrible and don’t even care that I’m writing sentence fragments strung together in a run on sentence. Want to rip my brain out and mince it before putting it in a blender as if to show how this feels in a physical way, I want to hide and run and collapse and do so many things and instead I’m laying here frozen, confused, and overwhelmed. I don’t know how I feel anymore there’s too much that I can’t describe, I’ve gotten some of it out but not all. I don’t even have large issues like dissociative disorders or bpd so I can’t imagine how much people with those and other extremely hard conditions suffer, maybe my descriptions of how I feel are overdramatic though. I’d normally tell myself to shut up and stop doing this, ignore yourself it doesn’t matter and push though whatever it is. That usually allows me to drag myself through whatever it is but it’s bad for me on the long run and now maybe I’m having to deal with the aftermath. I want to drag myself through again, I have to grit my teeth there is literally no other way I know how to function except to keep trying, I’m used to ramming myself at brick walls until I get through and I’m hardly ever to walk around them so please please brain let me work normally for once. I hate this, I hate being ashamed of feeling and existing and I hate being scared to express care about people not because I think they’ll reject me but because I think they will feel uncomfortable. I don’t want that, I don’t want my existence to do that and asking if I’m a bother can be bothersome so I just clam clam clam it up and that’s bad too. I hate the phantom pains that keep coming back lately and I hate the dent I feel in my body because of what’s physically missing. I don’t even know why I am feeling like this it isn’t anything specific or the aforementioned things, those things bother me but it’s not why I’m like this. Why haven’t I found therapists or psychiatrists or literally any professionals or non professionals that are helpful I’ve talked to so many and I’m lucky to have access to them, what the ***. Meds give me side effects and don’t give me any benefits, I keep trying new ones and none of them work. I want one to work. I’m not taking good care of my body because I literally forget - this current med makes food look like styrofoam fakes and I lose understanding of why anyone would want to consume food, leading to me being accidentally restrictive - and who is gonna take care of me if I don’t? I think I’m giving up and I don’t want to, I am so ashamed but even if I don’t give up I know I’m gonna fail things. I try and I fail and I want to learn and improve but I’m not improving, I’m tired of trying and weary of this cycle. It would be better if I failed new things, but these are old problems and it’s like I haven’t aged a bit since middle school. I feel like a child in an almost adult body who has aged backwards, everyone said I was mature for my age when I was young - I had to be - and now some people tell me I’m a delinquent destined to be homeless due to incapability of functioning. I didn’t choose this. Or did I? Did I choose this without knowing and self destruct and argh my stupidity I can’t even tell the difference between what’s my fault or something out of my control. A lot of confusing things seems like both because humans are complex creatures and yet some things seem simple, duality clashes constantly as if my brain wasn’t overloaded enough. And what am I accomplishing by wasting my time here? Being here isn’t helping me function more and I still feel the same after typing these nonsense essay posts. I don’t have enough words to express myself. I learned vocab to help but I still feel empty. What’s the point of expressing myself if I feel awful afterwards? If people still don’t seem to get it? And if they do listen and understand that doesn’t make me feel any better because I’m in the same situation, so...? I’m literally only here because I can’t seem to stop trying, I want to get better so badly, I hope that someday I can be better... I’m growing impatient and I want to make progress n o w. Why am I here, feeling like I’m rolling down a moving sidewalk (those flat escalators in some airports) that’s on its way up? Trying to hang on, and find purchase, but ultimately continuing to roll further and further down. Maybe I’m on the wrong platform, maybe I should take the stairs instead but I should stop rolling and get up before deciding. And I’m still rolling. What even is this analogy. And why am I still talking. “Hthrhrjdbheje” is one of my more coherent current thoughts. Gonna end this abruptly because I don’t know what to say anymore, bye.

Unnecessary public update: still feel awful like usual but I’ve repressed it. I’m not doing a good job and it’s a fragile temporary solution but now I can ignore it a little easier and try to do last minute work.

Maybe this is why I’m so attached to hugs and comforting platonic touch. It’s something guaranteed to provide direct relief because I’m touch starved among other things. It’s really the only thing I have left that makes me feel better.

I don’t impose hugs or touch on people because some grow uncomfortable and plus it’s not good to hug everyone all the time, in case someone is sick and I spread that to others through hugs unintentionally. How ironic for a pandemic to happen, because I completely stopped having hope for a real hug anytime soon. I appreciate virtual hugs but they aren’t the same and I bet half the people who send virtual hugs wouldn’t want to actually hug me, not that they could because cups people are strangers. I am vaccinated now but not everyone is and I understand it can be uncomfortable. Plus, I’m needy and I want hugs that last a solid 5-10 minutes at least. If it’s a short hug I’m not gonna force it into a long one, of course, and there is no one I can ask for a long hug, so. I’m not gonna waste others’ time with that bs. And I know I will get emotional because last time I got a hug I had to hold back tears, I didn’t know how to handle being cared for and I hated having to give up that physical connection as soon as they let go. I didn’t cry because we were all sad and I didn’t want the people hugging me to be more sad. If I let myself and if we had time in that moment I probably would have completely broken down in the parking lot.

Hooolddd on what am I doing, this update was supposed to be one or two sentences and I got distracted. Am I rambling because I want someone to read, and to understand, or because I’m getting too comfortable with the fact no one is reading? I have literally no idea and the previous sentence doesn’t say what I actually mean- um - bye, I guess, wish me luck on my exams, me. 😌😅😀

Um, spontaneous additional thought? Maybe that’s all I need. Caring reassurance through touch. Then perhaps I will pull myself back together again. I’m a bit skeptical but willing to try, and still clinging to hope. That seems like a simple enough solution, and it’s not really something I can start trying because it’s not a socially distanced activity but I will try when it’s possible to hug again. I hope it works - no, I hope something will work, I don’t really care what the solution is at this point as long as it’s healthy and helpful. :,) anyone out there reading this: I hope you too find support if needed. Sending optional hugs (see, I’m trying already haha) ❤️

Fujygghfdt whyyyy do I have to take this exam I *will* actually fail. I’m not diminishing myself, I actually won’t do well because I didn’t study, my brain was too occupied being half nonfunctional. I’ve accepted the bad grade, but ahahaha I want my $94 back 🥲 so I probably won’t cancel and walk out, I’ll just drag myself through like I always have 😀👍 same for tomorrow’s college exam and the AP exam after that fhghghf goodbye three years’ plus worth of work because it’s 100% not gonna show on the test, yay! Genuinely though! Because we love freezing and mental breakdowns in an unfamiliar environment where you don’t know anyone!

I decided that after today’s exam I deserve a goddamn treat, regardless of whether I absolutely bomb it or not. Why? Because I am acutely aware of all the effort I put in that got thrown away and has no chance of showing itself on an exam. Let’s say a miracle happens, the entire test is algebra and not calculus, and then I get a five - that would be great but it also doesn’t show my efforts because it’s a number. I want a moment to try and appreciate that if no one else will. Smh.

If only I could get a hug before and after the exam, I’m needy sorry - wait no - this is supposed to be a post with positive connotation, don’t complain or yearn for things you don’t and can’t have, me! I will content myself with pretend hugs and imaginary steady support. I can complain about that and other things *after* this week.

Running out of things to say that are fake positive, I need a new brain! Um, I hope you’re doing okay silent upvoter, and if you’re not then know I’m sending you silent support right back :0 💕 I always have the urge to say “done” like we do in SC/HH :,) I’ll indulge that urge today even if it feels a bit silly! Done! ✨

@gingersnappen- wondering how you felt about the exam. ANd hoping you found something meaningful as a treat afterwards. Wish I could have sent you a big virtual hug before the test. Here is one for now- big bear HUG!!

Thank you @barncat , it’s silly but I teared up a bit when I saw your virtual bear hug :,) I definitely failed the exam, and I know I could have done better if I had been in a stable mental state. However I am satisfied that I did the best that I could have in the moment and what matters is that I successfully sat through it for the whole day (I have 50% extra time so everything is 50% longer) calmly with a determined mindset. I have three more exams left, I think I can hang in there this week until they are over 💕

I hope you don’t mind that I read your bio 😮 the pandemic has definitely made things harder for people. I am glad that you have support from your husband and your new doggo, how sweet (: sending belly scratches to them (your dog, not your husband 😆) ❤️

@gingersnappen- sorry to hear you failed the exam. Hope your mental status is improving every day. Your story really touched me. Waiting for life to return to some normalcy with the pandemic- but it seems to be taking time. Glad you read my profile- also have three horses on nearby property. Many here know me because of my horse stories. I'll be happy to send you more hugs anytime. Take care- sending you another big hug!!

@barncat the result was to be expected, I didn’t practice or study like I should have or I guess would have if I didn’t transfer. I don’t have the results but based on what I understood on the exam I predict I’ll get a 1 (the lowest possible score). I had another exam yesterday and will have my last one today, I’m excited to be done with the week since it was awful! 😅❤️

oh wow, I’m surprised that it touched you 😮 Three horses, that’s adorable, I’d love to hear some of those horse stories one day! I’m almost an adult so maybe I’ll see you in rooms on the adult side of cups when I transition. Thank you for more hugs, I’m sending more back ❤️❤️

After some reflection and a conversation with my mom, I realized something that I forgot to mention in my first post. Or rather, I didn’t go into detail about it in my first post but I think it’s worth it to elaborate here. Beware, this is really long.

I am - or, err, was - the ‘head’ aka club leader of a mental health awareness club at my school. I was involved in many other clubs and student leadership roles but that role is the one that sticks out to me the most, now that I’m in the position I am in. I made it my business to be aware of all resources the school provided to students so I could promote them through the club. I emphasized mental health services the most because of the club’s purpose. My advisor was actually the school counselor and the club advisor. When I sought out help from the school for my own mental health issues, I asked my advisor if I could speak to the school psychiatrist that I had advertised to so many other students myself. The school really liked to encourage students to seek out help and support if they needed it, so I felt confident in my decision. However, my advisor then contacted the psychiatrist and scheduled an appointment with him for me behind my back, and didn’t even negotiate what time we would meet together with me. I was confused - if I was the one seeking support and the one wanting an appointment as the patient, shouldn’t *I* be the one to schedule a time with him? I was the one going, after all, not her, and I did not ask her to schedule that for me. She had no permission to do so. I only found out that she had done this when she sent me an email out of the blue with a time, saying I had an appointment with him then. I found out later from my parents that she had created an email chain with him about times, adding my parents’ emails on but not mine. Keep in mind that this is a boarding school, so they assumed that I was with my advisor and had given her permission to do this.

I brushed this off in the moment, thinking that she meant well and that it was okay. She had put me in a tough position because I had another commitment during that time, and had to tell them last minute (about two hours before) that I wouldn’t be able to make it. However, I told myself to get over it - my mental health was more important, and I prepared myself for the appointment I did not expect to have.

That was when I got an email from the Academic Dean. Oohhh that email, hahaha, that absolutely wonderful (sarcasm) email. In that email was a list of all the assignments and tests I had turned in late or done badly on. At the end, the Dean said that they had reason to suspect that there was some sort of academic dishonesty going on. He encouraged me to reflect on my actions, and said that this was a warning - if I didn’t improve my behavior then they might send me in front of the discipline committee, which is made up of a few student leaders. The DC (discipline committee) process involved those students hearing everything that happened, the school’s accusation against me and my defense, and they would make a decision about whether they wanted to punish me and how. They would then take this recommendation and give it to the Head of school (the principal) who would either agree or disagree (most of the time he agreed) and then make a school wide speech about it, detailing the situation but leaving names out so that everyone knew someone was punished - and what punishment they got - for whatever situation. It’s a small school, so many students usually figure out who it is. Knowing that I had done absolutely nothing wrong, but also knowing I had no power to stop the school from forcing me through this process, absolutely terrified me. I immediately showed my advisor this email by forwarding it and then proceeded to write a reply. In my reply, I took accountability for all the late assignments and fail grades I received, saying I understood that those would have severe consequences and impact my grades. I said I understood why my teachers were concerned, and that I understood why the Deans were brought into things because the way I acted academically during that month was drastically different from how I had been in previous years. However, I stood my ground and said I did not believe I was academically dishonest. I said that I was seeking mental health support on top of academic support, which was completely true, and said I hoped I would be able to improve and not appear in front of the discipline committee. Last of all I emphasized that I am an extremely introspective person. The Dean’s email gave me the impression he did not believe that this was the case, and I wanted to clarify that I wasn’t the reckless and misbehaving person he thought I was. He had encouraged me to take accountability for my actions, and I had already taken accountability. It hurt me to see he thought I wasn’t blaming myself for everything, shaming myself for all I did wrong that year (which was pretty much just receiving bad grades and having poor mental health) and trying so so so hard to improve both on my own and with support. I asked my advisor if she would read over the email before I sent it. She said no, because she thought anything I could say in reply would make things worse for me. She didn’t even want to look at my response, and assumed that it was bad without reading it. So, I went to my parents and asked them to read it, but when I received a text back from them I had already sent the email on my own (by accident, but oh well, let’s pretend it wasn’t on accident).

My advisor later read my reply because I had attached her on the email chain. She later told me she was surprised and impressed that I was so reflective, and that she thought I had communicated my stance in a mature manner. I was hurt to hear she was surprised. I have always been this way, determined to take accountability, communicate, and improve. She, the adult at school whose responsibility to support me and advocate on my behalf, believe in me and help me the best she could when I came to her with issues, never thought that I had those positive traits. She didn’t believe I was good enough, even though I had proved that I had those traits time and time again in the past. I guess she never recognized me as a whole, because my ability to communicate, take accountability, and strive to grow at all times are among the few things I’m actually proud of myself for. 💔 She meant well, and was trying to compliment me when she said she was surprised, but felt like a betrayal. She never gave me a chance when she refused to proofread my reply, and that spoke more to me than a flimsy peace offering compliment could.

Anyways, I got a bit off topic. That email from the Dean gave me a lot of stress and anxiety. I was already anxious about speaking to the psychiatrist, and anxious because I was failing my classes, so the anxiety I felt from fear I was going to be expelled from school and ostracized from my peers for something I didn’t do was overwhelming. When I spoke to the psychiatrist I was shaking and emotional from all that had happened during the past few weeks, and blubbering about the email from the Deans.

**This** is the moment when the psychiatrist told me he thought I had chronic anxiety and that it was what was preventing me from doing good academic work. **This** was the moment when he recommended I go on a medical leave, and if I did that, the Deans would not be able to put me in front of the discipline committee immediately. **This** is another moment where someone did something without my permission or knowledge again, when he contacted the school and the deans that he was recommending me to go on a medical leave. And what a wonderful (again, sarcasm) decision that was. Everything started rolling faster and faster downhill from there.

I said in my first entry that I was threatened into a medical leave or else I would be accused of cheating. This is true: I received emails, was in meetings, and was pressured by various adults to go on this medical leave after my psychiatrist made the recommendation. However, I did not say that I was driven into an anxious state before I met with that doctor. That anxious state is what caused him to make the recommendation of a medical leave. If I had never received an email from the Deans, and if I were more levelheaded when I met with the psychiatrist, who knows what would have happened instead. The school, my psychiatrist, and my advisor all said I would be able to come back after my medical leave as long as I met their terms (being okay enough to come back within two weeks basically) and I was still driven by fear and anxiety, so when my advisor talked my parents into the idea of a medical leave as well and everyone around me was pressuring me to leave, I left. It was either have a mental breakdown every day because everyone wants me to leave, and then deal with a cheating accusation that was false while in this state, so of course I chose to leave, believing I could come back and things might be better. I did not know in this moment that they would not let me come back to school that year, even though I met their conditions for the medical leave. I did not know they would blame me for this, saying that I chose to go on the medical leave and that the psychiatrist who recommended me was working for me and not the school (apparently seeing him was an extra charge, he has a relationship with the school but isn’t employed by them, no one told me this and my parents also didn’t know until they were charged money for it). I did not know that they would cut off all contact with me, unceremoniously dumping me and asking me to move out of the dorm, preventing me from having access to campus or teachers or even printers. They changed the password to my school email but did not deactivate the email itself, saying I wasn’t allowed to have access to anything.

I accept all that has happened. I accept that I am not allowed to go back this year, not allowed the privileges a senior usually would have, not allowed to do the things I loved to do at school or have closure or pursue the short term future I had planned carefully for for years. I accept that I won’t receive the same quality of academic excellence at my new school and that I was not accepted into colleges I know I am qualified for because of the transfer and events on my record from this year. I even accept that I paid expensive tuition for a school year I never had, and only received less than half of it back, despite not being there for even one quarter of a semester. I have to accept these things, as I cannot turn back time. If anything, I have forced myself to remember I must be grateful I can still go to school, grateful that I am alive, grateful I am not depressed (I hope) or suicidal, grateful that I have a college I can go to next year even if it’s a college with an acceptance rate of 84% (and since it’s a state school and I’m an in-state applicant, the acceptance rate for applicants like me are basically 94%) and grateful that I refuse to let my previous school bring me down further than it already has.

However, the way I was treated when I sought help was unacceptable. The behavior of the school administration and the lack of support I received is unacceptable. I would have accepted receiving poor support, but being forced out in the way I have been is the opposite of support. I was pushed further down the drain I was already in when I asked for help. I am glad that I have a stable enough mindset to know I was in the right when I asked for support: if I was not in that mindset, I could have retreated into my shell, and I could have became unwilling to seek support let alone try to improve my situation. I could have lost all hope in receiving support without getting rejected and thrown away. I did not, and that is entirely due to my efforts to not sink further. I pulled myself up and made plans to salvage what I could. I would be lying if I said I do not regret asking for support, but I will not say that I completely regret it either.

I have processed these events but I have not moved on as much as I wish to, and I am still very very frustrated and sad. I still feel a bit betrayed even though I guess the school doesn’t owe me anything, since I gave so much to that school and received almost nothing back. Even the way I speak with my friends from the boarding school world is different; I talk to them less often since I don’t live with them, and I don’t feel it’s okay to speak about my feelings regarding my situation or talk about myself because I don’t want to make them sad. They have the things I want the most right now after all, and I don’t want to upset them any further than they already am on my behalf. I don’t want to risk making them feel that they don’t deserve to appreciate what they have because I’m not there to appreciate it too. I want them to appreciate everything fully, and hold the things they love closer to their hearts so they can experience the things I couldn’t. One of my best friends got into his dream school, and I haven’t even told me how devastated I feel about my own college dreams because I want him to be peacefully happy, without being burdened by sadness in the background because I am not in the same position. I may tell him eventually, but I don’t think I will tell him anytime soon, because he deserves to have this moment. I refuse to overshadow his happiness with my grief.

Everything hurts so badly in this moment, but I am strong enough to process it and get through it with the support I do have. I realize that my feelings about this can seem trivial as it’s completely revolved around school, and that I am still in a position of privilege despite all I was put through. I sometimes feel that I’m being silly and overdramatic since I’m still sad about something that happened in November. But this is how I feel, and I can’t control the brain chemicals that give me emotions. All I can do is process, reflect, and grow from the experience. Nothing can be done to erase what has happened, and I do not expect or want apologies from the school like my friends and family do. To me, an apology won’t fix anything - I won’t be able to go back and have things be the same as they were, have this past year erased from my life. I’d normally be grateful for the experience but I haven’t really grown from it at all so I’m not entirely grateful for that, but I digress. I am currently failing at my new school, but I am determined to cling on by my fingernails to graduate on time. I don’t want another year of this ridiculous phase. (:

feeling an abundance of frustrated emotions again. why do people do things without my permission? I wish that adults with the power to change parts of my situation would listen and make efforts to understand me. I’m trying so hard to communicate and I beat myself up every day thinking I’m communicating wrong even though a lot of the time it’s because they didn’t listen. Stupid mouth wasn’t clear enough and didn’t make sure they understood. Why why why why.

No, I must remind myself - communication is a two way street. I can try my best but if the other person doesn’t put in their part it’s not going to work. How do I differentiate between when it’s my fault or theirs though? I don’t want to blame them, I want to take responsibility. I say it’s me. I’m tired of that, can they put in some work too please? I’m not perfect and there is always room for me to improve. I don’t know how to tell others that in a manner they will listen to: I’ve tried before and it usually results in others lashing out, prompting me to go on a self-hate spiral until I rebuild myself in a different way in an effort to please. Or, maybe it is entirely my fault. I’m not sure how but I’m sure I’ll be able to figure out something to criticize about my communication style. Conflicted. I sometimes wish I wasn’t so introspective. the ever-present feelings of shame return, although passively. :/

I don’t know what I’m blubbering about, aha. Thank you for reading, have a lovely day or night.

@gingersnappen- wondering how you were doing. Read some of your posts- I can feel a lot of betrayal in your description. I hope you have a support system that you can trust because it sounds like that was broken a while ago. You sound so mature processing the events of the past year- and are able to articulate them well in print. Please take care.

@barncat I am alright thank you, as of this moment! How are you? I do have a support system that means well, although the way that some show their care can be hurtful. I trust in their good intentions but not in the quality of their actions, if that makes sense.

Ahaha, thank you, I’m again surprised that you think that since a lot of people say I’m immature and unclear with my words 😯 I know I can be pretty wordy and go off on tangents, so I’m glad you think I articulated my thoughts well (: I hope you take care as well! ❤️

For the past few days I’ve been feeling periods of numbness again. Or, I suppose I should say I was experiencing a lack of feeling. A few on Cups told me they hoped I would feel better: I didn’t know how to respond, because at the time I didn’t feel anything bad that warranted needing to feel better. I ended up thanking them because they meant well.

I am here because I started to feel again. Even though it’s mostly negative emotions, I’m relieved to have them back. I was finally able to identify how I felt and why I felt it. I know that I will always have myself as a potential source of support, and I don’t really know what will help when I don’t feel any emotion. So when I started sobbing, I was grateful. Not grateful enough to not be sad anymore but whatever, it’s okay.

I am among the most pesky invalidators of myself. I can never escape myself, and I have the largest arsenal of things to criticize about myself because I have - or at least I think I have - the greatest amount of knowledge about my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I hate that fact. I hate that I hate myself and I want to get better. Yet here I am, in a place of stagnancy, not getting better at all. Actually, I may have gotten worse.

Hmm, why did I even type that? That isn’t the thing that’s actively bothering me. It doesn’t passively bother me that much either, to be honest: it’s merely a fact that I dislike, but a fact that I have accepted nonetheless. What did I come here for again? Ah, yes.

I had an urge to message a friend about how I’ve been feeling lately. However, I refuse to act on that urge. I wanted to come here to say what I would have said to that friend, so I could resist my impulse more easily. Now that I’m actually typing random things out I no longer feel like my emotions would matter to him. That may be untrue, but I don’t care. I’m sad after losing something that he has. That’s why I want him to be happy in an untainted manner about it. I can get over my emotions on my own.

Besides, talking to him or any of my other friends for that matter won’t make me feel any less sad. I’d just be wallowing pointlessly in the hopes of some sort of saving grace that doesn’t exist. I must bear this, and be patient. I am determined to grow from this. I don’t think I’m going to say what I previously wanted to say to him here. I know it won’t help me, so I’m not going to waste the effort. Um, farewell then. Sending optional support, hugs, or anything appropriate that you, dear reader, may find helpful to you. That sentence doesn’t make a whole lot of sense - actually, I’m rambling so this doesn’t have any structure or meaning really anymore - so uh goodbye for real. (:

I think I’m grasping at a false image of an ideal I can’t reach. I don’t want to age up, because then I’ll be a legal adult. It feels like my childhood is over even though I know it’s stupid: my age is just a number and I will still be young after becoming a legal adult. It’s hard not to let societal pressures get to me, though. I want to feel like I had a good childhood, ya know? I certainly had it better than a lot of others, but I’m still not satisfied. I know I can’t change the past so I look forward to the future. I fear aging up and letting ‘the now’ pass me by, though - if I keep hanging on to the idea that “things will be better” then what will help things be better now? What will give me memories that I can look back on with satisfaction? Not because I want to brag to others or something, of course, but because then I can be a little more satisfied with myself. I accept I can’t change the past even though I don’t like that but I want to do things before my birthday that make me happy... genuinely happy, not the distracted kind that involves pretending my problems don’t exist. I shouldn’t wish for all my problems to go away because they won’t. Actually they make life better sometimes because they are challenges I can grow from even though I hate them. But I want to feel some sort of equilibrium where I can feel peaceful in a positive way even though life is chaotic. I don’t know how to describe it, um, this probably doesn’t make a ton of sense but I’m lost, you see. The way things are going I predict that I’ll turn 18 with a bad end, like I have for the other 17 years of my life where I have feared birthdays that bring arguments and pain and grief. I don’t want to look forward to my birthday, and I don’t want to make it a goal to have a good birthday for once. I just want to be able to give myself the gift of a good moment of peace before my birthday. Maybe that is too much to ask for. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know how to get there. I am the best person to figure out how I can get there and I’m stuck. How can I ask for help when the answer has to come from myself? Talking it out or I guess typing hasn’t helped me either, and I keep going in circles like this grasping at straws and chiding myself for overthinking, for placing value on myself and certain goals, for not being able to find a solution or new things to try... I’m so tired, and lost, and sad, and I hate this. I want out of here. At the same time I want to make “here” a better place, because I don’t enjoy wallowing in the attitude that the grass will be greener on the other side. I don’t know, this literally makes no sense, I’m getting in the way of myself and I don’t know how to stop. I’m going to leave this post for now, I’m full out rambling without too much of a filter and thrashing around because of false hope again. I can’t wait for someone to save me because they can’t, I have to save myself. My hope for some sort of a a white knight is unhealthy and foolish: I recognize the stupidity but I still cling on because I don’t know what else to cling on to. The goal there I guess might be to rely on myself but I’m not entirely there yet. I know that I don’t actually want a white knight, it’s just something I have as a placeholder for a solution I don’t have. I want someone to care in a way that will make me feel better, but I also don’t actually want that, because I shouldn’t rely on it. I shouldn’t subscribe to the idea that someone caring will suddenly make things better or will.. I don’t know, solve lots of things I currently cannot describe coherently. That’s a people pleasing habit of mine I should break. Arghhh why can’t I care for myself faster??

Okay, I actually should leave and distract myself with something productive. Grr. I’m sorry, although I don’t know why I’m apologizing. Bye. Take care, random reader scanning over the foolish words of an angsty teenager.

Hold up, sorry, one last thought from a frazzled ADHD brain. I want my father to get help for his anger management issues before my birthday. I guess that could be one step forward towards achieving my goal. I don’t know how that can happen though because he refuses to admit he has issues and I can’t force him to get help if he doesn’t want it. He has to do it himself, and I know I can’t convince him because I’ve tried everything I could think of so far during my short 17 years of life. He thinks that telling me he wants me to commit suicide is okay, and that saying similarly hurtful things to everyone around him is okay but it’s not and I can’t convince him that it’s not unless he wants to believe it himself. I haven’t spoken to him since the last time he told me he didn’t want me because I ran out of energy to try and mend our relationship, so I’ve been hiding under the pretense of giving him something he wants - my disappearance from his life. It’s foolish because I haven’t done anything wrong, and I hate feeling scared or panicked whenever I have to move rooms because he’s there or choose to sit for hours in a locked school or library alone so I can walk home and avoid him. I’m inconveniencing myself for him and it isn’t making anything better. What else can I do though? He has to take action and I can’t force professional mental health care on him. Even if this were somehow miraculously improved before my birthday it’s still not enough for me to achieve my goal; this piece is more about him than me, and I can’t figure out what *I* need for *myself*. Sigh. I feel an episode of numbed panic coming over me, great. So, here is an actual goodbye because I’m getting sensory overload that I refuse to let overwhelm me! Shshfhjejsb! Don’t ask me what that is supposed to mean because I myself don’t know! 😀👋