a place for galactictroubles to write their galactic troubles (all replies welcome)

Happy Lunar New Year! My family does celebrate it, though not a lot. We are excited for the Year of the Rat! More specifically, it's the year of the Metal Rat. I don't entirely know what this means, but a new year is always exciting. Honestly cannot wait for the big dinner tonight. Not seeing relatives but probably will tomorrow. 幸年快乐！

We're halfway through the school year already, which is honestly kind of crazy. Tomorrow is the start of the second semester. It feels weird, because nothing monumental has happened so far. Maybe it's one of those years. But it feels like every year something really big happens to me. Maybe this 'big thing' is going to happen later in the year. Maybe it's already happened/happening and I just haven't realized. It's weird how life works out like that sometimes. Things happen and we don't even realize they're happening until after they've happened. But I'm sure whatever happens, maybe it'll turn out ok? I want to believe it will turn out ok, even if everything is telling me it won't.

Ok wow so nothing really happened today.

But honestly I'm ok with that. I'd rather nothing happen than have something bad happen. I really just don't like bad things happening. But I mean, who does?
Isn't it weird how we feel lonely even if we aren't alone? Or how we can feel most surrounded when we are alone? I'm not saying I feel that way but I think about it sometimes. Our brains are just weird like that I guess. I wish more people would take me seriously. I feel like I'm not taken seriously because I am a kid. Honestly that's understandable, but sometimes I have something really important to say that could apply to them and they still don't listen to me. Which is kind of frustrating because then they get into problems that I could've warned them about because I've seen it happen but they don't think I understand because I am a kid. Oh shoot I am supposed to be doing homework right now. Um I think it will be ok. Actually nevermind yeah I should probably do my homework. I guess I will go do that now.

I'm starting to get worried. I'm starting to get sick of keeping up appearances. Keeping up two different identities. And I'm worried that people are starting to notice I'm not being my true self around them. Every lie I tell I'm just digging myself deeper into this hole. Maybe one day I will not be able to get out. I constantly act like nothing affects me, no insult really gets to me. But at the end of the day I lie in my bed and I think about everything people have said to me, and everything I said to myself. Often they are the same things. I just want to get through the week. So I know that I can do it again. And again. Nothing even really happened today that triggered this reaction. I just started getting anxious for no reason. Exactly one person was mean to me and now I'm suddenly ridden with anxiety. I don't get it. I try to make sense of these things but I just don't get it.

I wonder what it's like to take medications. For anxiety. Of course while I live in my parents they would never let me get meds. They don't want me becoming dependent on them or something. That's fine I guess. But I am curious about them, what they do, and if they work. One of my friends takes medications. She takes them for a variety of things relating to mental health. I haven't asked her about it though. I mean I probably should if I want to know about it since she's experienced with it. I'm pretty sure you have to get prescription for anxiety medications. I'm not very good at taking pills. I find the pills hard to swallow, even when I'm using water. I'll probably get better as I get older. I'm not feeling good. I've been having a lot of stomachaches today. Hopefully they'll go away by tomorrow.

What is the difference between jealousy and envy?

ok so I looked it up And apparently I'm actually envious not jealous. Not much of an improvement but hey at least I learned some vocabulary because of it. Yay. I'm feeling dumb. Like academically dumb. It's not great but I mean it happens. I just don't understand a concept and then I just feel really dumb. Oh well. There's not a lot I can even do about it anyways.

My skin is crawling.

Waiting and anticipating is honestly not a fun feeling. So because of this, I'm going to try and distract myself.

I want to eat a real coconut one day. Like a fresh coconut. It just looks really interesting. I don't really like artificial coconut flavoring but I don't know if that's accurate to what actual coconuts taste like so it's still an option. I also want to get a pet once I'm out of the house. I highly doubt I'll be able to get one while I'm living with family, but maybe when I'm living on my own I'll get a pet. That would be nice. I'd probably get a dog. Like a golden retriever. My friend had a golden retriever and he was the sweetest dog ever. It would give me a reason to go take walks. And dogs are just so sweet and they love you so much. I like most animals but I would still probably get a dog as a pet.

The school week is finally over. I don't know why but this school week felt like a whole year. It's honestly kind of crazy. I'm glad the school week is over. Next week will be the last week before break luckily. I really need/want a break. January was a such a hard month. No breaks and only one vacation day. I don't think I'm going anywhere for February break but I don't care, I'm just so glad to not be going to school. We're over halfway through the school year so that's kinda good. Just gotta keep pushing through second semester. 😅. I'll try.

Alright, February break is coming up. I'm actually really excited for break because we only had one day off in January. I really really really need the break. We're over halfway through the school year and honestly I really can't wait for the summer. Just to be out of school. I feel like summer is so close but so far. Ironically I don't even like summer as a season, but I just really don't want to be in school. It's kind of scary how quickly the school year went by. Already half of the school year is gone. Anyways, I hope we travel for February break. We honestly don't travel a lot but maybe we will this time. So anyways yeah, super excited for feb break.

Sometimes I just get these waves of fear if being alone. Normally I'm fine with being alone, but sometimes when I am alone, I'll get sudden extreme anxiety and the need to talk to someone outside of family. I don't know why they happen but I know it's not a pleasant experience. I will be very freaked out and self conscious until I finally get to talk to someone (text, call, in person) and then I will start to calm down. Honestly it's kind of terrifying, but it only happens on days where I don't do anything. If I have a busy day, I won't have this problem. But basically yeah that's what happened today. Overwhelming waves of fear and the desperate need to talk to a friend.