a journal for my thoughts
NOTE: I need a space to express the things I have bottled inside so I may mention dark topics. If you are triggered by certain things, please do not read. Specifically, I will talk about struggles with depression, anxiety, trauma etc (specific warnings will be at the top of each entry). I am open to replies! I just ask that everyone is respectful and I will be respectful towards you as well.
The Pros and Cons of My Life Right Now
Pros:
- My best friend / boyfriend is the kindest, most loving, funniest person I have ever met
- Exams are almost done and I can take a break soon
- I'm planning on eating custard buns after dinner today
- I started watching Dodie and she makes me feel less alone in the world
- I ordered some Tarot Cards months ago and they are finally being shipped out to me
- I have some creative energy in my right now, i havn't experienced that in a long time
- I'm planning on going to Montreal for New Years Eve
Cons:
- I suffered something traumatic over the summer and it affects my day-to-day life. I have troube concentrating, I have trouble relaxing alone, I can't sleep properly, I want to stop existing sometimes.
- I failed math for the second time and I'm wondering if my dream career is really meant for me or not. I excell at every aspect of the major i chose... except for math and at my university (and all universities near me), math is necessary to pursue this major. As well, I can't switch in to a similar major beacsue my dream career requires this specific stream or a stream that is MORE math-intensitve
- I'm low on money and i don't know what i'm going to do this summer to pay rent when i need to take math in summer school and i need a 40/hr job in order to survive... which is diffucult to do with schooL.
- This fall, i moved into a house with some people i considered close friends, but one of them has seemingly changed completely. They have lashed out at my housemates, and the house environment has turned extremely toxic. It sucks because i moved out of one toxic home into what i thought would be a healthier one, but it turns out i just moved into a duplicate of it. I have to live here until May. Until then, i'm living in negativity, discomfort, and fear.
- My depression has gotten so much worse. I can't find motivation which is affecting my studies - why should i study if i'm just going to fail again? I have trouble getting out of bed, taking care of myself, going to class, getting groceries among other things.
- I'm in therapy right now, but my sessions are about a month apart because her schedule is always packed. One of my sessions have gotten cancelled and another got cut short because the fire alarm went off
- I feel like a fraud. I always hold myself back when talking about my feeling with my therapist because i'm afraid she will hospitalize me. On the other hand, i have trouble communicating my feelings and situation properly because everything is so complicated and so i hardly ever get to the root of my problems (if there even is one).
- I had a nightmare last night
- Sometimes, i just want to fall asleep and never wake up. Just sink into the ground and stop existing. Everythign will be so much better that way
- I have to go home for the holidays and i hate my hometown. A lot of people hated me in high school, and because it's been less than 2 years since i graduated, most of those peopel are still there. As well, i don't talk to most of my high school friends because i realized they are a toxic group and there is a lot of drama between them.
- I suck at music and creative things. I don't have the time to practice art and music either
- Im scared my boyfriend will turn on me because he talks to people who hate me. He is a sociable person, and sees people optimistically so he try to be friend with just about anyone. I love that about him. But i am scared he will see me as a bad person because, occasionally, he talks to some people that don't like me.
- My grades are really shitty and i'm scared i will get put on academic probation, or that i won't get good internships/jobs and grad schools won't accept me and all my efforts will be in vain
i was thinking about a couple things today. one fo the main things were hte concept of triggers. i know what they are and i know many people who have them. many of these people have been through the same things i have, and suffer the same symptoms i do. but i came to the realization that... i dont have any triggers. or at least i have no idea what my triggers are, if i have any at all.
this led me to another realization: i've never been properly diagnosed. yes, i did go see a doctor, i took a test, and he prescribed me some antidepressants. but he was a walk-in docor and the test had 10 questions and he said i have mild depression. i also never took the meds because my dad took the prescription away from me before i could take it to the pharmacy. this was 2.5 years ago.
how can i know what my triggers are if i don't know which symptoms are normal and which aren't? when i feel my heart race, my throat clench, & my muscles sieze when someone yells at me, how do i know that anger is a trigger for me and not that i'm responding the way a normal person would?
"does X trigger cause a response that harms the way you function in everyday life, or cause you distress?" yes it does. but if iv'e responded this way my whole life, how do i know that i'm experiencing an ABNORMAL amount of stress? maybe i'm just a neurotypical looking for an excuse.
sometimes i don't want to get out of bed. i don't want to eat, or talk to anyone. sometimes i feel to nervous to go outside. sometimes i want to cry randomly because someone just passed by me who looked like someone who hurt me in the past. and yet i don't know if this is normal or if i'm sick because i've been this way for as long as i can remember.
i'm in therapy. she is the second counsellor i've seen. i'm also in group support and we meet weekly. and yet i'm still so unsure of myself. i don't know who i am. i don't know if what i feel is normal or not. and i don't know what to do.