Working on me, understanding me, all for me.

After a while I couldn't even really stand looking in the mirror. I cried when I was alone. I showered like every 2-3 days. I just wasn't taking care of myself. I also felt guilty because school was heavy and I didn't have time to watch the movies or read the books my mom got for me. I wasn't in a good place at all.

I basically gave myself a good mental slap in the face. I noticed it was leaking into how I saw others. My sisters were annoying, my parents were smotheringly loving yet critics, and I was ungrateful and hung up on stupid things that didn't matter. At the time it made sense to tell myself that. And now I see how unhealthy that was.

I decided I didn't like anyone romantically. Not anymore. It was like a switch flipped while I slept. (Important note: I do online schooling and read through my lessons and then do online quizzes about it, it is an actually schooling system and it is not easy) I started to take my time and read the materials instead of skipping to the assessments after skimming. I started taking notes too. I worked out a routine in the mornings. I woke up, took care of my hygiene, got dressed, made my bed, fed the animals, ate breakfast and got to work. I also decided that I didn't like my appearance very much. I started washing my face every morning and night. I started brushing my hair more, and I set alarms and reminders and started showering every other day (Tues. Thurs. Sat. And either Sunday or Monday).

I also started doing face masks every couple days. I read a self help book, and it was talking about how when you're very young the people around you fill you with opinions and form your subconscious. They said you can't change your subconscious. But they didn't say anything about how my conscious mind reacted to that. So, when I caught myself thinking negatively about myself or others I would think "that's not their fault" or "good for them, they're expressing themselves!" And if it was about me I tended to think more along the lines of "be gentle with yourself" "change takes time". This really led to me being more positive about myself and others. It didn't take me long, probably about 3 months, but I still have moments where I work on it more.

I've also noticed how judgemental my Mom and sister are, which makes them a little more hard to deal with.

In the evening after I get done with school or before bed I do yoga, and I plank. I've noticed a bit of change. Most of my stretch Mark's have faded, my stomach is tighter, I feel better/more energized, and along with putting on lotion, often, my skin feels softer and looks clearer.

Now, I don't sit on social media for hours at a time. I watch one of my shows, I read, I make art, I walk, or play with my pets. I still don't like being asked "are you ok" about my emotions just because I don't have a smile. It doesn't mean I'm mad, sad or tired. I'm just not happy enough to smile.

I now find myself defending people on TV. My mom will say something judgemental, and I will counter it. Or sometimes she will say something and offer a (seemingly sarcastic) "Oh sorry, that was judgemental". And my sister does it too. It's draining that they just don't understand, and make fun of things that make me really upset. It's like buying someone with violent stress a stress ball and then making fun of them when they use it.

I try to talk to my mom about things, but I'm always "being a teenager" or because of voice changes I sound whiny.

I used to want to puke just thinking about meatballs (as in spaghetti and meatballs), but now I'll eat them, I just can't focus on the taste or eat too many. The other night my sister says, "you see the train wreck?" And my parents had the news on, so I said no absentmindedly. *POSSIBLE TRIGGER* then she showed me her chewed food. I almost puked then and there. I covered my mouth with a napkin and tried to calm myself down.

"I can hardly eat meatballs without wanting to puke!" I yelled at her

"I didn't know" is what she said, but she didn't sound sincere at all.

I told our mom and she told her to quit. But then she our mom did it the very next night! It makes me so mad I pinched myself in order not to lash out. I had fingernail Marks in my hand! (Btw does anyone have any tips on how to deal with that feeling?)

And then they kept making jokes that weren't funny, but they thought they were. And I would understand if they were normal jokes but these were semi aimed at me. And I know they were teasing but it was still so aggravating. I started to laugh(when I get overwhelmed(mostly with stress or anger) I start to laugh really hard with my head in my hands) to the point of tears coming out of my eyes and I looked them in the eye and said "I'm not laughing cause you're funny. You're just so emotionally draining!"

My whole family knows im a introvert. Even if we only have one guest over, my mental/ social battery drains in like 15 minutes, maybe less. I can interact just fine, most times. But I prefer to be alone and stay home. But they always tell me "you need to leave the house more" and always make those types of jokes! I walked outside because it was snowing to take photos and when I showed them my sister started jokes like "wow you walked outside! By choice!". Even having her around me drains me. And she always twists words and gets angry so easy that I just remove myself from the conversation, and she tells me to come back, like she doesn't understand that if I don't remove myself I might explode.

I actually came here to talk about this next thing, but turns out I had a lot to say about everything else.

Lately I've been making up a lot of romantic scenarios in my head. Especially my wedding. I mean I know it's normal to imagine it, but I imagine a future relationship for myself. It's just domesticated love. Holding hands, cuddling, a wedding, the proposal, buying a house together. It's been happening quite a bit. About 2 guys. Definitely not the first one I talked about here. But a celebrity(who will not be named) and my Mom's Friend's Son. I call my Mom's friend Aunt *her name* because of how close we all are. They always talked about setting my sister up with one her kids, though. But that never happened and they went way different ways. But I like her son, who we'll call D. I always imagine either the celebrity or D in place of my future SO. I don't think it's unhealthy, but I'm not sure it's necessarily good to think about it so much and so desperately?

Toodles

-Bailey