Where are the rainbows and unicorns in my life?

I have a lot to unpack. Nothing too earth shattering, but definitely things that affect me negatively. I'll start small with what I find to be a minor issue, but still holding me back.

I'm a bit compulsive. I have a need to check things over and over. I've tried to not do this and it sends my anxiety sky high. Things like replies to emails, locked doors, any potential safety hazard I think think of. I will refresh a page over and over and over waiting for a response to appear, even though I have my phone set to alert me to a response. I find I can't concentrate on anything else until I get a response.

In my mind, I tell myself this behavior is crazy, but I can't seem to stop. I feel very distressed when I try.

I'm also a very routine person and if that routine is messed up I get angry. I'm good at angry, but it's not fair to the people in my life or myself.

I also don't have anyone close to really speak to about the things that bother me. If I have a bad day, I internalize it even though I know letting it out will relieve some of the negative energy I'm feeling.

I will worry about really silly things and imagine the worst possible scenario. I don't trust others to do things safely and therefore I spend a lot of time worrying needlessly. I call this being proactive, but really it's a compulsion.

I get irritated with my kids when they want to cuddle or play and I'm ready for them to be in bed. I'm very task oriented and I can't relax if there is cleaning that needs to be done or a task to be completed.

I feel like it's taking over my life some days. I don't find joy in just being. I have to be busy all of the time, yet lately I feel myself becoming depressed and having zero motivation to actually do things that need to be done.

And I'm lonely. My marriage is barely courteous, so that is a big contributor to my lonliness. I have no family near and the one real friend I have unloads her problems when we actually get to talk. I usually don't mind. I like being there for her, but at the same time it makes me feel so lonely that I have no one to unload to.

My life is not bad. It just isn't great. I'm healthy. My kids are healthy. I'm not struggling financially.

It just feels like I should be somewhere else doing something else, experiencing something else.

And I feel guilty for that.

So, that's the immediate not too detailed weight I'm carrying. Responses welcome.