Waking

My medication is finally beginning to take effect and I can almost remember what it feels like to be me. It's as though I'm waking from a drunken night, remembering what I did in my impaired state and thinking, "I did what?!?" Yes, I was not myself, yes I had little control over my thought processes and the actions that came from them. However I cannot think myself entirely blameless and I will always regret what I did and the people I hurt in my state of insanity. But I did not do these things alone, the blame should be shared amoungst those who helped me. Perhaps they were impaired as well, it does not matter. It cannot be undone and I will always regret what happened but I will no longer allow my guilt to consume me and kill me. A few weeks ago I believed I wouldn't make it to Christmas. I was so fragile and was waiting, prepared, for the breeze that would finally knock me over and shatter me into pieces. I was already broken, the glass of my soul already stained and full of fractures, teetering on the edge of the abyss. Life was simply too difficult and I was so weak I couldn't take anymore pain, and everything hurt me in some way. Now I'm waking up and finding that although everything still hurts I have some strength to go on. The sun has risen on a new day. Here's hoping I can continue to see it as time goes on.