-Unspoken thoughts-

I usually try to avoid "venting", maybe more so in the forums but felt it was better than the feed and people who I call "friends".

Side note: If you're not fond of swear words, then maybe not read this but it's up to you.

I'm sick and tired of some people, their actions, all the shit they do. At this point, I shouldn't even be around people, especially my "family" because I would just be told over and over again about what surgery my cousin did which I've expressed to someone I did not give a shit about. Thank whatever that, that person I told understood where I was coming from when I said that. If I were to even dare say it to whoever knows she did the surgery or someone, I'd be seen as selfish, a bitch, piece of shit to even think about that. Why? I could care less if she did the surgery or not, everyone is worried about her and I'm not. I'm not a comforting person, so even if they told me a day before she did the surgery to give her "encouragement words", I mentally could not. Unless she wants to be told that her surgery is nothing, it's not a major thing and it's quite common, the least that could happen in the surgery is losing some blood which they already have some on standby or worse case scenario is that she becomes paralyzed so pardon me for not being of any help. They can't expect much from me, fine, they won't know how I'm feeling and I'm to explain to them blah blah, make them understand but at the end of the day, I'm to be supportive. Be nice. Give a damn about what she's going through. They don't even take a moment to give a shit about what I'm going through. But no, they don't.

They know, all of them know I was supposed to do surgery to correct my spine issues years ago but some shit with some religion shit coming in the way make everyone tell me who is in the pain, and in a way persuaded my mom to let me not do it. So where does that leave me? Being in pain for chronically 2 years September coming this year? 2 years and they don't give a damn. If they knew that I was supposed to do it, why are they gloating and saying oh how my cousin is finally getting the surgery, look how she's gonna be, look at this look at that.

The only person who I so freaking glad for is that my mum knows not to talk about her surgery around or to me, anything relating to it because if she didn't, I would honestly just be done. Got told the next day after her surgery by her sister that she's okay and what was my answer, "that's nice", in a dry tone. Just even the call that they called me to tell me she's okay, I would've said "yeah I know, didn't have to tell me. Common surgery, and look she's alive yay and yay because if she wasn't okay, people will be crying down the place and everyone would be in an emotional mess. So yeah, she's okay, that's nice!" Like I said, I'm supposed to be supportive and be there for her. I'm supposed to be there for some family that doesn't even give a shit about my well-being, who doesn't take the time to hear me out, to fucking check up on me, don't give a damn about me, so I'm sorry if I might not be up and running to go to everyone's needs. Sorry that I make it to most of your fashion shows shit that I struggle with despite being in pain and body issues to make it, sorry that I'm trying to help this sister of yourself when I'm dealing with my own shit, sorry for hearing you vent about shit that you damn well know how to handle. Sorry for even trying to be that cousin, niece, friend, a person for trying to do good shit for others and not having one, not one good thing they try to back for me.

This is where I try to say I'm an understanding person, look at things from both sides which I always, despite everything going on try to do. I know where they are coming from with all of this, what they are going through but what does that leave me? I'm trying, I can only do much to a point in my 18 years old self that is struggling with things she's getting no answer for, maybe even life long things beyond my reach? And I swear on all things holy if someone say "it will get better", "You need to look at it from their side, they are also struggling too ", "it's family stuff, it will happen", or other stuff like that, because so help me someone that it's going to piss me off more than how I already am.

At the end of the day, all I say is "I understand. Tell whatever it is to me, don't worry about it, I am fine" even if I don't want to because it's who I am.