Uglyduckling88's Diary: Feel free to comment
I just really need a place to vent. For starters, I have Social Anxiety. I have never had a job because of it and I have tried to get one many times but never had an interview or anything. I guess it's that whole need experience to get experience thing and I have no idea how to break that cycle, so for now I'm stuck living with my mom and Godmother and that is no picnic. My Godmother is one of the most judgemental people I have ever known. Just tonight she was telling me I needed to wear "real clothes" whatever that is. She makes fun of everything about me like who and what I like, how I dress, how I clean, and just about everything else. She judges everyone not just me. Every commercial that was on TV tonight was stupid to her or gross. She makes fun of everything from people's names to how they dress. She is always saying she wants all the computers of the world to crash. She is stuck in the 60s I swear. She has so many moods you never know what you will get like a box of chocolates. I'm always walking on eggshells around her. I can never relax or be myself. She and my mom always want me to go out to hear local bands but they are almost always in bars and clubs and I don't like those places. I'm an introvert, nerd, and bookworm. I'd rather be in a bookstore or arcade. I've always wanted to go to Comic Con but can't say that in my house, I would get made fun of. I love Supergirl, NCIS LA, Ghost Adventures, X- Files, and Once Upon A Time. I'm a cat person and seriously considering volunteering at my Humane Society but just haven't had the confidence to send the email and find out what to do. I love to draw, write, and do photography. I'm in a LDR with an amazing man who has high functioning Autism and we have been together for almost 10 years now. My Godmother thinks that is stupid as well. She said all men are pigs and scum tonight just because her relationships have been bad. She hates white people especially white males and said if she was president she would send all the white people in the US back to Europe. She hates police, military, famous people, rich people, politicians, and my generation, millennials. I can't stand people like her. I just have to get away. Well that's my story for now.
@Uglyduckling1988
Hi--glad you're creating this thread to vent.
I can appreciate how hard that must be to have to live in that environment with someone who just doesn't understand anything about you and is judging everything you're doing. Even if she's dead wrong about everything and you know it's her own biases, it's still incredibly uncomfortable and creates a lot of self-doubt to have someone undermining all of your interests, preferences, decision, personality traits, etc.. :( It's understandable that you'd feel like you can't comfortably do or be all of those things you mentioned (e.g. introvert/nerd going to Comic Con, hanging out in bookstores, volunteering, etc.). "Walking on eggshells" is a perfect description.
Wow, 10 years is a long time! Whatever she might say, clearly there's something there that you like and that's working for you. Same thing goes for all of the other things that you like. :) I'm happy that you know what types of things you like and who you are, even if you're in a situation where you feel like you can't express that just yet.
10/20
I am having a hard time not blowing up tonight. My Godmother saying people and things are stupid again and this time she fatshamed not just me but fat people in general as if she's stick thin which she is not. Everything has to be perfect to her standards or it's wrong. We made some cookies today and my Mom offered her some and she said no we could eat them and gain all the weight. I ate ONE cookie. She acts like we are going to sit there and eat the whole container or something and then talks about herself eating chicken wings. Then she said "fat people shouldn't wear shorts." Really? Fat people get hot too. So because she doesn't like seeing it fat people shouldn't wear it. She is NOT the queen of the world. I don't like saying it but I wish someone would pop her in the mouth or something. She has no filter and doesn't care who she offends. I had to get this out before I blew up.
@Uglyduckling1988 gosh that makes me so angry Im sorry you have to deal with being around someone like that. Try and ignore her and tell yourself she cant help it its just the way her brain is made and the way shes been raised she doesnt choose to be like that because viewing it like that might help you to get less angered by it. Also try to spend as much time away from her as possible like try going out. As an introvert with social anxiety going out can be pretty stressful well for me at least so my advice is go on a long walk but in the evening so its less busy they can be really therapeutic and I like to walk along the beach but if you dont live near one go somewhere else quiet and calm. Also try to turn it into a positive and see this as a learning experience on how to put up with people better and about understanding different peoples view points.
@Uglyduckling1988 When you live in an environment where you can do no right, then of course you will have social anxiety. I know I did. The best thing I could do to overcome it, was to keep telling myself 1. this person/these people I am talking to are not the critical/abusive person/people I left at home & 2. the easiest way to get revenge is to prove them wrong. Just remember that the people who constantly criticize everything are only doing it as a defense. Seriously, they are truly the ones who are miserable. You do not have to accept their misery as your own. You have to make your own life, your own decisions, and find your own happiness. The best way, or at least the first step, is to get out of that environment. So, keep that in mind while you are applying for that job. Get their voices out of your head & tell these people why you are worth it. By the way, I used to work at an animal shelter & they are always looking for help. GO...volunteer. Or see if they are hiring :)
11/2
Went grocery shopping today. My Godmother wanted vegetable beef soup for dinner tonight and wanted me to get the veggies and beef. I looked for the frozen veggies she wanted but couldn't find them so I called to ask what to do that's when she told me to do something that has always given me bad anxiety, ask someone for help. I have never been able to do that thanks to my social anxiety. There I was standing in the frozen aisle of Walmart, frozen with anxiety, sweating, shaking, face flushed. I was so embarrassed. I decided to go get the rest of my groceries and figure out the veggies later when she called me and told me to get canned instead. I found mixed veggies in a can all the ones she wanted I decided to get that thinking I was saving money. However, that was wrong. She wanted individual canned veggies and didn't tell me how many cans to get so I got 2 thinking that would be enough but know that was wrong too. Then comes the beef. I don't eat beef or buy it and all I remembered her saying was don't get the cheap one. Got the wrong one of that too. She made sure I knew how wrong I was and made me feel even worse when all I do is try to help. 
There are some people who are never happy, or that find their pseudo happiness in making others unhappy. She is one of them. Do not let her unhappiness become yours. You cannot make other people happy. Please if you take nothing else from this understand THAT. You absolutely cannot make other people happy. If she asks you to do anything again, just politely decline and ask her to have someone else to do it, or do it herself, as she well knows you cannot ever get it right for her. And do not beat yourself up over anything she deems wrong. Did you get what was on the list? YAY YOU Did you go to the store? YAY YOU Did you try to help (despite knowing her berating awaited no matter what)? Yay you...Give yourself the props for what you did, and ignore the negative comments. Has she ever been grateful or happy?
@resourcefulApple3075
Thanks! It's been long time since she's been happy that I know of anyway.
@Uglyduckling1988 You are welcome and, take that to heart. Realize that is not how you want to be & it is not your fault that she is unhappy. Make yourself happy. Find what you love & let her figure her own stuff out. I know it's easier said than done & being a people pleasure is hard. Just don't let your worth or happiness depend on pleasing her or anyone.
@Uglyduckling1988 I'm sorry that this happened. Just to mirror what @resourcefulApple3075 said, you did a great job and really tried your best and did something difficult just by being in that situation. I hope there's something relaxing or enjoyable you can do to reward/comfort yourself after putting yourself into harm's way like that.
[offering hugs/blankets/soft things to the you that was standing in the frozen aisle]
11/14
It's been a while since I last posted. Things were going ok until tonight. Godmother's son is moving into his own apartment and we have been out all day shopping for him. I swear he gets put on a pedestal. I'm always compared to him and it sucks. Anyway tonight we were out and we passed by a Krispy Kreme and Mom decided to notice it and Godmother said that she meaning me doesn't need any doughnuts and all I do is eat junk and I don't do anything and it's going to give me diabetes and stuff. That really made feel ugly and like garbage. I shrunk into the back seat where I was sitting wishing I wasn't there and holding back tears. I hardly eat anything and I don't remember the last time I even had a doughnut. I hardly eat sweets even though I have a sweet tooth. I don't drink soda. Anyway, they rented a Uhaul van to take all the stuff to the new apartment. It only has 2 front seats. They wanted me to ride in the back with all the stuff. No! It's not safe and it's illegal. They will have enough help there anyway. 😢
11/15
I'm falling apart. 😠Can't stop crying. So sick of Godmother putting me down and calling me names. She got all pissed off that I decided I didn't want to go and ride in the back of the van illegally, she yelled at me, told me to stay in my room all day, and called me a spoiled brat. Thanks for making me feel like garbage even more now. She makes me feel like I'm useless, worthless, never good enough, and just like I'm nothing. I swear she hates me. I don't know what to do anymore. ðŸ˜
12/31
Happy New Year 2020! Can't believe it's a new decade already. Hope this new year and decade brings all of us hope for better lives and futures. Things have been ok here. My birthday is next month. The love of my life has a new plan to move to Florida where his dad lives. I lived in Florida for a while. He will have his own apartment so that's nice. All I know is whever he is, is where I want to be. Getting there I still haven't quite figured that out yet and now he will be a bit farther away then he is now. I just need to be away from here. I feel so suppressed and like I can't do anything. I'm treated like a child and I'm a grown woman. My mom thinks my Social Anxiety is a game and that does not help at all. I just hope I can finally get away from here and be with my love.
